Tuesday, June 24, 2008

This Post Fueled Entirely by Random

At approximately 12:07pm yesterday afternoon our internet went out. It had been sketchy the night before and throughout the morning. And when I say sketchy, I mean: bitch. The frustrating part about it, other than you know the lack of service, was that all the lights on the modem and the wireless box thingy receiver indicating that all systems were go, were in working order. So in order to know if it was up and running again, I logged on approximately 973 twenty separate times and rebooted everything just as many. I also kicked the dog, screamed at the children, slammed one or two doors and bit the UPS man. Not really. But I did discover something a tad unpleasant about myself. I have an addiction. It's one thing to have other plans and leave the computer and all of her seductive powers of your own accord...like when you're shopping, attending graduations, or at the beach. But if you're sitting around with a whole bunch of nothing to do AND your plan was to catch up on some of the blogs that got pushed aside for other pressing issues in the last couple of weeks, well, the result was double bagger ugly.

I contacted Mr. Farklepants at work, where internet access exists, and have him update my sisters on our impromptu trip to Santa Barbara today. The answer to their questions were: 1) Be at my house at 9:30am, 2) Wear your bathing suits under your clothes, and 3) That is all. There is no "3". What? Yes, I know I could have called them. Shut up. Being without internet access is kind of like, well, it's like:

  1. Up shit's creek without a paddle (but with less negative outcomes)
  2. 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife
  3. On a sinking ship and no raft
  4. Only having a flat head when you need a Phillip's head screw driver
  5. Or being stuck on the side of the road without cellular phone service...
...Only with air conditioning. Indoor plumbing. And a couch. And television. And snacks.

Check internet access.

And...HEY LOOK! BROWNIEEEES!! We have to make these RIGHT NOW!

And naps. And UNO.

Check internet access.

Know this: Scrabble with a four year old is very trrrryyyyying. She won. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Wait for the husband to get home to fix this. Because I was at the point where I stopped blaming any outside source and was admitting that it must be me. The little woman.

Check internet access.

Go outside and BUBBLES!!!!

Listen to husband on hold with Earthlink for 3 days. Verdict? Internet will be back in 2-3 hours. That would put us around midnight or 1am.

Watch 300 because computer generated abs get me hawt. And make me wish we'd named our first born Leonidas. And make me walk around the house shouting SPARTA!! Only with less bravado and more Tourette's Syndrome.

The end.

EDITOR'S NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that I have at least two readers whose children have Tourette's Syndrome. Please know that I did not intend to offend anyone. I apologize for my comment.

29 comments:

HRH said...

What is this random fuel of which you speak? Could it be the answer to the energy crisis?

You had to live REAL life for 1/2 a day without internet access? OMG. Sending prayers.

hulagirlatheart said...

The last time I was without internet for any length of time I actually got out some Stampin' Up supplies I was coherced into buying at a home party (I was weak). Pitiful...

Threeundertwo said...

I've heard of these types of things. *shudder*

Madame Queen said...

But BUBBLES!! Didn't that make the day better? No?

Seriously, I hate it when that happens. And it's so frustrating to keep trying and trying and trying. I get the same kind of rage filled frustration when I keep getting a busy signal after somebody has asked me to call them back. I'm like "why did you get on the phone when you asked me to call you! ARGHHH!" Kind of like that.

JoeinVegas said...

But, your next kid could be named Leonidas. Or the dog. Give hubby a new nickname.

stephanie (bad mom) said...

First, I completely sympathize with the no Internet access trauma.

Though I must say, technically you could use a flat head screwdriver for a Phillip's place, but you couldn't use a Phillip's in a flat head opening.

But everything else you mention = sucks. Except brownies.

Glad you're back and somewhat sane.

standing still said...

There is nothing, NOTHING, that makes me more cranky than when our internet goes down.

Mysterious 1's and 0's are out to vex me.

Daalelli said...

I totally feel you on the cg abs of steel *drools* Ooh and Leonidas as a dog name wouldn't be a bad idea *wanders off to find a puppy badass enough to pull it off*

Marmarbug said...

Oh I hate when the Internet is down. Or the power. I am sorry I just need modern technology.

Undomestic Diva said...

Oh mi gawd, I am so glad you survived. I know how serious an impaired internet connection can be and I'm just so glad you got it back. I can see it was touch-and-go for a while there.

I realize I must sound bitchy, but frankly, after reading that you have a/c and I do not, I'm having a hard time still liking you.

Madge said...

Tourette's Syndrome is so underrated

Ann said...

I can't even stand it when I have to reboot, REBOOT, for gods sakes. But when my internet goes down? It's akin to PMS x 10. Unacceptable. And the phone? It's practically prehistoric in this household.

scargosun said...

See what happens without internet access...randomness. I need the internet to keep me sane

that and prozac.

calicobebop said...

I play Uno with my four-year-old and she whoops my ass on a regular basis. And I'm not throwing the game or anything! She throws down that "draw 2" card and cackles like the evil little witch that she is! Or maybe she's just competitive like her mama.

Don Mills Diva said...

No internet?!

And you lived to tell?!

Astonishing.

Bunny Bunster said...

Yeah, well, my home compuer is DEAD. It got killed. By. Lightening. And it was only a two month on touch screen baby.
So, stick that in yer bonnet and wear it!!
(it's getting fixed as we speak for probably a bizillion dollars! but I don't care!)

jess said...

Oh, I feel your pain, sister. Not that I'm addicted to the internetz and blog reading. I can stop anytime I want to. I just don't want to.

The Girl Next Door said...

I love it when you write like this. I live in fear my home internet system will go down because Ex is no longer around to troubleshoot and goodness knows I Don't Have A Clue. Son THINKS he has a clue and usually makes it worse. Sigh....glad you are back.

Swirl Girl said...

or having the bottle without the corkscrew....


you slay me!!

www.swirlgirlspearls.blogspot.com

Sue @ My Party of 6 said...

I am getting itchy and shakey just reading this. And great analogy, Swirl Girl, bottle with no corkscrew. Not a good place to be. Last time our internet went out, I went to the library and let my kids completely run AMOK so I could get my fix. Glad you are back!

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

That would freak me out. The worst we experienced was having to call my mom to look up the number to the electric company. When the power is out, how can you go to the website to get the number? I totally understand your freaking out.

Allie said...

You said "double bagger ugly," that is awesome. I feel the exact same way when our internet isn't working. I am addicted and I hope I'm never nominated for intervention because I WILL NOT go to rehab. I won't I won't I won't. Sorry about that I feel better now.

You are hilarious. I absolutely love your sense of humor.

katydidnot said...

you are so funny it hurts sometimes. you write how i think.

Colleen said...

it gets UGLY in our house if the high speed goes down. I get panicky, sweaty, racing heart, spittle forms at the corners of my mouth. U-G-L-Y!

JCK said...

Very bad mojo for household when internet goes down. Very bad.... Glad you are back and running circles around us as usual! ;)

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

OMG! Tootsie, go read my post for today, Tuesday, June 24! We share a brain! And I bet we have the same Internet provider too!

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

What is this you speak of? No Internet? Please, NO! In there year 2008, we should not be expected to endure such pain. It's like going with water or air. Unacceptable.

Dijea said...

MMMM, Leonidas' abs. I need to find my husband really fast before I lose the visual.

A Mom Two Boys said...

You CALLED your husband so that he could EMAIL your sister's about your trip to OXNARD?

You need an IPhone or a Blackberry.