There is a morning news show that airs here in Los Angeles that features three hosts; a man and two women. The man is fine, I have no complaints about him. He's a'ight *knuckle knocks* The women, however, drive me insane. The weather girl(?) I guess, since she's usually found flipping through a tabloid or filing her nails, drinking coffee, and occasionally gets up to let you know that it's hot in southern California and it probably won't rain. She's also crass and obnoxious. But then I'm crass and obnoxious here on my own blog so look who's throwing stones at glass houses. Hypocrite, who? She often talks about subjects that are best left for the bar or locker room and not the morning hour during breakfast. [What is it with morning shows anyway? The radio is the same way. If you want to put your kids on the fast track to adult conversation, just tune in while driving them to school in the morning but be ready to answer, "Mommy, what's a booty call?"]
The other woman is the "celebrity news" host, which basically means she reads us the morning tabloid headlines. I don't know if it's because this is Los Angeles but her segments dominate the three hour show. Then they'll have whats-his-nuts from TMZ on to confirm if she's read them correctly or not. But this woman thinks she is very funny. She has this terribly annoying habit of fake laughing at her own jokes all the way through her face time. She thinks she is a riot. And now it drives poor Mr. Farklepants crazy since I brought it to his attention.
All of the above is my talented way of making a short story long [I'm gifted like that. Note to self: call MENSA]: The following are nine annoying habits people use in conversation.
- The One-Upper: this is the person that, while you're telling them your own story, will check out halfway through your first sentence to prepare themselves to one-up you the second you finish. They are not listening to what you are saying. As soon as you stop talking they will tell you how something the same or similar happened to them and how it was so much worse or absolutely better. And aren't you glad you're not/ don't you wish you were them? Your conversation has become a competition to them and they are going to win. The only way to end a conversation with The One-Upper is to say, "yep, you're right".
- The Space Invader: this person isn't familiar with the universal law of personal space. They're convinced that the only way you'll listen too or understand them is if they speak directly within an inch of your face. All hints of backing up are a sign to The Space Invader to move in closer. The way to navigate a conversation with this person is to have your back to the door. If you're up against a wall you are fooked.
- The Lip Reader: this doesn't take much explaination. This person watches your lips while you speak. It's irritating and also inspires me to roll my tongue up like a taco just to see their reaction.
- The Looker-Upper: ohmygod I'm so guilty of this. And it's an annoying habit that I'm aware of and trying to overcome.
IThis person will keep mytheir face forward while talking but mytheir eyes will look up as if there is a teleprompter just above mytheir eyebrows that is feeding them mytheir lines.
- The No-Eye-Contacter: Um, yeah, I do this too. This person will not look you directly in the eyes while speaking but rather will focus on something just to the side of your face or fidget with an imaginary thread on their lap. I think I started doing this when I realized that trying to look at both of the eyes at the same time on the person you're talking too is almost impossible and then I do that whole shifting back and forth... look at their left, look at their right, look at their... hey look! A tree let me look at that. Also? Please sit down for this and prepare to be shocked out of your days of the week underpants: I'm shy. Hand to God I'm shy in real life. Especially if I don't know you very well. And in that case, really, I'm lucky if I speak at all.
- The For-Effecter: this is the person who adds a little something (like a little nervous laugh) to the end of every sentence, question, phrase, or statement that they utter. For illustration: I went to the Mexican restaurant yesterday. Huh-huh. I ordered a chicken flauta with beans and rice. Huh-huh. It was the lunch special. Huh-huh. Only five bucks. Huh-huh. So I got two. Huh-huh.
- The Throat Clearer: Similar to The For-Effecter, except that they clear their throat at the end of every sentence, question, phrase, or statement that they utter. No illustration needed. Speaks for itself. Ahem.
- The Sentence Finisher: you totally know this person. The person who tries to predict the ending and finish your sentence for you. It's their way of saying, "I totally know what you're saying because look, I said it". It's their attempt to empathize and/or sympathize with you. Or just be an asshole. No one appreciates The Sentence Finisher. The only thing worse than a Sentence Finisher is...
- The Repeater: this person repeats the last few words that you just spoke in, I guess, an attempt to show that they heard what you were saying. And once you realize it's happening it is crazy making business. In fact, you'll avoid speaking to this person at all.