I Need a Better Hidey-Hole

I'm finding myself being sort of thrust into this thing that I'm not at all comfortable with. My research indicates that this uncomfortable and somewhat exasperating thing, is girl related. My research this time is not limited to a Google search. It is my twelve years experience as a mother to children of both genders. The boys are the oldest and I somehow managed to fly below the radar for playdates. I can count on one hand the number of times, combined, that the boys had playdates arranged. But apparently if you are the mother of a daughter, and another mother who has a daughter who likes your daughter and wants to spend time with her outside of school; that other mother will hunt you down like a heat seeking missile with your name Betty Grabled all over it. I'm this close to hiring a secretary to field the calls.

And I feel like a complete asshole for feeling this way, but I just want everyone to leave me alone. I know they're just being nice, and they just want the girls to play. For many of these women, their kindergartener is their oldest and they think it's important that they get together. But, speaking as a seasoned veteran, it's not. It's not important that they get together. Because they just did at school, or at dance, or at soccer, or at a mutual friend's birthday party. They're together all the damn time.

I spend more social time with the mothers of my daughter's friends than I do with my own friends. And if I insisted on spending this much time with my own friends they would be like, "WTF is wrong with you Clingy McNeedypants? Get off me." Because my friends are very much like me. Introverted loners who occasionally enjoy the company of others. And those others have to be people we're very comfortable with and the last thing you'd find us doing is sitting around talking about our kids or oh lord other people's kids...shoot. me. now.

None of the mothers seemed to have noticed that I've yet to initiate an arranged date for our children. Strike that. They have. Because now that Girl-Child has been to their houses half a donzen or so times; now they're inviting themselves to my house. And I'm all, sure no problem so long as you don't mind that they play outside on the street unsupervised because that's how I roll. Kidding. They're supervised. Mostly.

I would say that perhaps, outside of school, their children have no one to play with at home. But I find that hard to believe because I think it's a rule in the homeowner's association manaul that you have at least two kids to live in my neighborhood. My children can't go outside without swinging a cat to find someone to play with [please note that Vintage Thirty does not promote the hurling of animals as a means to locate friends]. Kids are everywhere [and I say that in the most sinister voice I can muster].

And, ohmygawd, the Girl Scouts...the Brownies! It's like rush week at Alpha Phi. At least three mothers have inquired whether or not Girl-Child would like to join because the spots fill up fast and if they're full she can be put on a waiting list and Girl-Child is all, can I have milk with them please? Clearly, she doesn't know Brownies from shinola. So I'm all, sounds nice and all and thankyouverymuch, but I'd rather wait until she is at least interested in joining, you know, when she knows what it is because there's already soccer and dance, not to mention the boys lessons, and of course school, and I'd like to postpone my head exploding as long as possible - Why are you trying to make this happen? Do you have any idea the carnage and blood letting that would ensue during my attempt to sew a patch to a sash? And wait, doesn't she have to be six? Isn't this a little premature?

And don't think that I can show up late to school at the last possible minute to pick up Girl-Child and avoid their requests. These women are armed with the class roster and aren't afraid to use it.