Friday, October 31, 2008

It's Probably My Most Random Post

So, my friend and neighbor Jason over at The Jason Show wrote a post listing his favorite words. Take a moment to go say hi. I'll wait.... All I could think about while I read his post was the spelling homework Boy-Child#2 sometimes brings home where he has to write a paragraph using at least ten of his spelling words for that week. Which is basically what I said in Jason's comments:

**"Flibbertigibbet" . (editor's note: that is my favorite word which I don't use often because I'm afraid it would become one of those things like when you listen to a song too many times and you're like if I hear Rehab from Amy Winehouse just one more time I'll cut someone...)

The whole time I was reading your list all I could think about was one of those class assignments where you have to write a paragraph using at least 10 of your spelling words. And I was all, "The cantankerous neanderthal removed a bunion from his uvula with a spork, but it turned out to be a persnickety goiter."

...or something.

I have issues.**


And then I followed up with:
**Because everyone knows that neanderthals didn't have uvulas.**


Then I thought to myself, what a dangerous off-handed remark! What if someone is writing their dissertation right now and is Googling information about this very thing and they find my quote and, godforbid! Cite it as a source and that person fails! Because what do I know about Neanderthals? Nothing, that's what. Except that it is considered an insult to call a man one in a heated argument or when trying to thwart his advances. In fact, I know more about uvulas, considering I have one, and I don't have a Neanderthal. I wasn't even positive about where he fell on the evolutionary chart and I totally had to look that up. Turns out I was way off in guessing his position; which is like at least two back from modern man. To throw me even farther (further? hhhhh...) off I read that human evolution "is better represented by a branching tree" and that Neanderthals are considered a "separate branch".

Then I was like, Neanderthal-uvula. Focus. I finally came across something that seemed promising [you know, about whether or not a Neanderthal had a uvula] but turned out it just mentioned an abstract about a paper from a doctor about the development of the human pharynx through evolution and how it disrupts sleep. And then I was all, I am not cracking open that medical journal.

Speaking of uvulas, did I ever tell you about the time that Mr. Farklepants pulled a splinter out of mine with some tweezers and a flashlight? And right now you're like, I don't think she knows what a uvula is and this whole post is not only embarrassing but TMI. But you would be wrong. We had ripped up some carpet in our old house to reveal the wood floors beneath and I must have inhaled microscopic wood. And I kept doing that horking thing like ggglllklack...ggglllkllack but that universal method for removing debris from your uvula wasn't cutting it. So Mr. Farkepants went in with the big guns.

That's love and trust right there people.

And no I wasn't on drugs when I wrote this post.

35 comments:

calicobebop said...

Are you sure about the drug thing? Cause you sound high. bwaahhh haaa ha ha...

Anonymous said...

one of the first comments for this post is simply not funny. sorry.
farther = a bigger distance away
further = more, additional
how's that for a rousing Halloween grammar lesson?Type that up, copy and paste 1000 times, print it out like your contest names, put it in the green bowl and pass it out to trick or treaters tonight.
"Here's a real treat goblins, it's good for you!" They'll throw it in disgust faster than a box or raisins or a popcorn ball.

smalltownmom said...

At least you didn't need a uvulectomy. (That's a real word too.)

Katy said...

My uvula flinched reading this post.

oooowwwwww.

The Stiletto Mom said...

Note to self: find way to work the word horking into a sentence today. :)

The visual of that..You crack me up!

Madame Queen said...

I was wondering how many people would know that the uvula is up there and not "down there" but so far it seems we're safe. The same can't be said for random googlers, though.

Oh, and I know someone who had a uvulectomy. And no, he's not a Neanderthal.

JoeinVegas said...

If that's what you are like not on drugs, it would be very interesting to see you the other way.

Jennifer H said...

You could have been a writer for Seinfeld.

Except the girlfriend's not-name would have been Muvula.

Burgh Baby said...

So . . . if it's not drugs, what is it? I think I want me some of that happy juice. Actually, make it a double.

Manic Mommy said...

I actually already knew that Neanderthals were on a different branch but what I really need to know is whether or not the Geico caveman is a Neanderthal.

And also why we pronounce it NeanderTAL and not NeanderTHAL.

laughingatchaos said...

No, no drugs, but I'm wondering about booze. Or maybe a sugar high...have you been tippling in the kids' Halloween candy already? ;)

Jemez2 said...

OK - tangent alert.

I stumbled onto a website the other day that said Piltdown Man was a hoax. A HOAX!! I mean, I think I got an A on a junior high essay about Piltdown Man. Then I had to google it, and wiki says the hoax was revealed in 1953 and I wasn't even born then. So maybe I was confused about the essay. But still - Piltdown, a hoax???

mommy2twinkies-Deb said...

Ummmmm. OK.

I had to look up uvula.

Persnickety Ticker said...

I love randomness. Makes me look more normal.

Plus...bonus points for using my favorite word...

Persnickety!

Hanna said...

Hi there from a (usually silent) reader. I love coming around from time to time cuz your writing is just hilarious - no different today, but that is really one of the top posts I've seen here so far....
Keep it up!
@ Manic Mommy: Neanderthal is pronounced like "NeanderTAL" cuz in German a "th" is pronounced as "t"... it's just an older form of spelling it. This piece of information brought to you by a native speaker. :-)

Mr. Farklepants said...

Oh, if I had only had a dime for every time I pulled wood out of Tootsie's uvula!


/I could pay for college for the three kids I got from those times I didn't.

g said...

"Horking" is a great word. Must add to list.

Mr. Farklepants pulling a splinter out of your uvula is yet another example of the incredible trust that marks a truly good relationship.

My husband once had to spend a week daily debrading and cleaning an infected wound on my elbow - it's impossible to see such a thing on your own elbow, so you have to have someone else do it. Allowing a loved-one to dig into your flesh is....well...a significant mark of trust.

As is uvula-desplintering.

g said...

Oh, Mr. Farklepants, you deserve a "ching badump-dum!" for that.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Troll alert. I love it how they're always anonymous. Coward who?

Bunny Bunster said...

Tootsie you crack me up!
And, Oh! My!! Mr. Farklepants TMI!!

The Introvert said...

That IS love. My hubby had to stick his fingers down my throat (and probably grazed my uvula) when I was choking on an Excedrin. I was drunk and tried to take it while laying down. And I have the smallest throat known to man. Genius.

L said...

I peed myself..just a little..

Amazing post!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

You should not get high more often. This was a fantastic post.

Swirl Girl said...

The caveman from the Geico commercial just posted about this crazy lady named Farklepants who was dissin' his cousin - Neander Thal. He posts "Farkelpants' who live in glass caves shouldn't throw dino dung"

(this was my lame attempt at a joke)

I love the onomatopoeaic word for removing something from your uvula.

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

I also love flibbertigibbet! It rolls well, no? I have to askyou really played in a poppy field yesterday, right?

Jason said...

I so love how your mind works.

And now, I love how Mr. Farklepants' mind works, too!

JCK said...

Holy crap! A splinter in your uvula!! I'm bent over in pain imagining this.

You've never, not once, called Mr.F a neaderthal? Oh, no, no, no...not Mr. F. I meant those neighbors with the Vote Yes for Prop 8 sign.

Indy said...

I will never look at my uvula the same way. A spinter? That is just disgusting.

MelADramatic Mommy said...

My gag reflex went into high overload imagining that. You are a great man Mr. Farklepants.

Serial Mommy said...

ok, i had to look uvula, i didn't know what it was so i learned something new today...i found you through bossy...and i've bookmarked you and i'll be coming back!

heather said...

I'm such a 3rd grade boy at heart. I'm still laughing at "inhaled microscopic wood". huh-huh. Shut up Beavis.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

At first I thought uvula was an anagram for vulva, but I was wrong.

That was both random and very odd. And yet? I'm still going to leave this comment.

Kissedaprincegotafrog said...

A late comment as I only just discovered your blog and am I sick or was "Pinocchio" the first thing that sprang to anyone else's mind over the splinter / uvula episode ?

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