Monday, October 13, 2008

They Want to be Real Entries When They Grow Up

Do you ever have one of those days where you've got plenty on your mind but you could sum up the crux of your thoughts in a sentence or two? And a sentence or two does not a blog post make? Yeah. Hi. Me too. Welcome to my day. So i present to you: shit that's been on my mind.


1. I really like the t-shirts in the Victoria's Secret catalog but so many of them come with that built in shelf bra contraption. Let me tell you what that "bra" does to my rack; it creates this circus act, sideshow freak of a uni-boob which then causes me to have to reach between my cleavage in a covert manner and splay them. Rinse, lather, repeat. All the damn day.


2. Speaking of Victoria's Secret t-shirts; WTH, Vikki? $48 bucks for a t-shirt? It's cotton. Aaaand it's a t-shirt. It should be no more than like $15. Srsly.

3. My daughter asked me the other day, "Mommy, what's a boyfriend?". And also, on a separate day, "How do babies get in your tummy?", she's five. And connecting the dots. I see a chastity belt in someone's future.

4. Have you ever run out of your favorite wrinkle cream and were cursing yourself that evening when you remembered that you were too lazy to run out and pick some up earlier in the day? Where earlier in the day equals: at least four days ago but you somehow managed to scrape enough out with your fingernail to make it this far. Then you recall seeing a sample for Estee Lauder Perfectionist [CP+] Advanced with wrinkle lift restructuring peptides - now more collagen in just 2 hours! - lingering in your Allure magazine. So you excitedly tear it out because you think you're so smart [and also try not to gag on the scent of several perfumes that even on their own are kinda rank] and peel back the sample only to discover that it will cover exactly one square inch of your face? It is the freshest square inch of my face I've ever seen! Focus on the apple of my right cheek. Please ignore the rest of my face. Clearly I am.

5. You know how you can entertain a cat with a flashlight and it will dart about trying to catch it on the wall? Works with five year olds too, just so ya know.

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Unrelated drivel to the previous unrelated drivel: Mr. Farklepants tried to teach basic arithmetic to Jeff Spicoli our stoner friend who, after some seriously fracked up calculations, determined that if the 700 billion dollars used in the bailout on Wall Street were divided up and distributed to every person in the world's population, they'd each get one hundred-eleven billion dollars. There was no reasoning with him that if you gave one hundred billion dollars to each person, you'd run out after seven people. Just before Mr. Farklepants suffered a stroke of epic proportions, he turned to Boy-Child#1 and stated matter of factly: This is why you should never do drugs, son.

People on 'ludes should not try to save the economy.

33 comments:

Debbie said...

I think you have figured it all out - the people in charge must be on 'ludes. Who else could come up with these plans? You are brilliant. And the $50 - 75 t-shirts...seriously. What is up with that?

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

The mere thought of ANY shirt with a built in bra makes my rack laugh an evil cackle. Then it makes me hate anyone that can get away with it.

KEEP BELIEVING

hulagirlatheart said...

The best ever "make do" moment in our family was when we had just finished packing up my sister-in-law's belongs and waved bye to the moving van. She realized Aunt Flo had arrived and had to use a Swiffer pad left in the closet.

LuckyMe said...

Two quickies back at ya.
1. HATE those stupid shelf bras!!! because they make the cami sit low on my cleavage and I'm wanting to wear a layered look for teaching. What is the point of it anyway?? Is there someone who can actually go braless in that thing?

2. Your daughter is ready for "the Talk". Stop by my blog. I have the perfect book for you and you'll laugh your ass off, too.

Sue said...

Excellent teaching moment from Mr. Farklepants!

calicobebop said...

Oh no Girl Child! Stay young and innocent forever! Personally, I'm in favor of shipping Muffin off to Anartica for school. Can't be too many boys down there, right?

Laura said...

I always thought having cats was a lot like having kids. Thanks for verifying!

Formercitygirl said...

I hate shelf bras. They are the most unflattering thing in the world. Well, maybe not the most close to it :)

Burgh Baby said...

Those damn built-in bras are the bane of my existence. They do NOT fit everyone, or actually ANYONE. Those of us who are *ahemcoughblessed34DDcoughahem* can't squeeze one booby into those things, let alone two. Do you know how awkward it is to try to wear a different t-shirt on each of the cousins?

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I don't know--the people not on 'ludes haven't been doing a very good job lately.

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

You are so right. The shirts are awesome, but the bras and prices for the shirts suck. I have no breasts so the shlef bras make me look like I am wearing a stretched out sports bra. Not hot.

More, More, More said...

Oh but that shirt is every bit of $48 cuteness on! I just got the black one in the mail :)

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Wait. So. What are you saying? No 'ludes?

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Wait. I just figured this out. If we let Spicoli fix the economy, we can all have one Victoria Secret T-shirt a piece.

JoeinVegas said...

Five years old huh? I bet Mr. F is really looking forward to 13.

Undomestic Diva said...

Victoria's Secret is way overpriced. And shouldn't the word "PINK" be splayed across the, ahem, front of your mid-region instead of the back?

Kimmylyn said...

VS is just WAY overpriced and the stuff never lasts.. and that built in bra stuff is a scam to me..it always makes my boobs look funny .. :)

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

So why are the people in Washington trying to fix our economy? If ever a group of leaders were on drugs....

I agree. Extravagant price for t-shirts & crappy shelf bra.

barbra said...

Sing it, girl! Save us from the shelf bra thingys! Me no likey the uniboob.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

So has the fabulous-looking 1 square inch of your affected face convinced you to procrastinate buying a different anti-wrinkle cream?

Nap Warden said...

This is the economy...this is the economy on drugs...currently, it's hard to tell the difference;)

Marmarbug said...

Okay I am going to totally agree with you on the V-Secret thing. I have seen some seriously cute stuff but will not repeat will not pay 50 bucks for a t-shirt.
Also the uniboob. I have found the fix for that in tanks only. If they straps are adjustable then just loosten them. Otherwise no idea.
And wtf is up with the dude and math? That is sad!!! HE needs to go back to first grade. At least you got to make it into a learning moment.

Indy said...

Loved this post. More fun than a grown up post.

Jim Gerl said...

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I just voted for your excellent blog for the Bloggers Choice Awards.

Could you please return the favor at:
http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.
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Thanks,



SpEdLaw2
http://specialeducationlawblog.blogspot.com

L said...

As random as that was (and I love random) that was also fabulously entertaining.

Oh and you know how you can throw things to dogs to retrieve.. that also works with five year olds.. just so ya know :)

Catherinette Singleton said...

Let me tell you Victoria's secret: it's to make those of us with real boobs feel traumatized when we wear her god damned shirts.

Shelf bras are made for:
1) young bitches with perky bras
2) fake boobies
3) poor souls with no boobies.

I hate you, Victoria, and your stupid secret.

mommy2twinkies-Deb said...

Sorry to Catherine above, but I used to be #3 who got #2 so the shelf bra works great for me... but would NEVER pay $48 for one. In any case, Tootsie, you crack me up as always. Thanks!

Stephanie said...

I should have known when your name caught my eye on OHMommy's website that your blog would be hilarious. You didn't disappoint! Very witty...I'm adding you to my daily reads!

Silly Mommy said...

I have often stared into the glossy photos of the Victoria's Secret catalog and thought, "I wonder what it must be like to have the money to pay that much for an outfit." and "I wonder what it must be like to be skinny enough to fit into this crap!"

Then I nurse my pour battered spirit on some form of carbohydrate! But hey, I never said I WANTED to fit into those clothes in the first place! *lol*

JCK said...

Glad to see your many thoughts are churning! What IS it about those nasty perfume samples anyway???

Are you OK? Aren't the fires near you?

Darla said...

The least they could do for that many bucks is guarantee that it will look that good on the average folk! Cause guarantee it doesn't!!! And, I'm here to clarify that even those with little to no boobies don't look too hot in those contraptions. I have had plenty of children and in between, if I've gotten back down to pre-pg weight, I haven't much chest left...I still need a real bra to hold my soggy, stretched-then-shrunk boobs to form!

stephanie (bad mom) said...

BUT, people on 'ludes make everything seem a helluva lot better, no?

Just saying.

Anonymous said...

Hellooo *waves* haven't commented on your blog in aaages! The first point about those built-in bras was hilarious! And no4... isn't that so annoying?!

@Catherine Singleton, ROFLMAO