They Want to be Real Entries When They Grow Up

Do you ever have one of those days where you've got plenty on your mind but you could sum up the crux of your thoughts in a sentence or two? And a sentence or two does not a blog post make? Yeah. Hi. Me too. Welcome to my day. So i present to you: shit that's been on my mind.


1. I really like the t-shirts in the Victoria's Secret catalog but so many of them come with that built in shelf bra contraption. Let me tell you what that "bra" does to my rack; it creates this circus act, sideshow freak of a uni-boob which then causes me to have to reach between my cleavage in a covert manner and splay them. Rinse, lather, repeat. All the damn day.


2. Speaking of Victoria's Secret t-shirts; WTH, Vikki? $48 bucks for a t-shirt? It's cotton. Aaaand it's a t-shirt. It should be no more than like $15. Srsly.

3. My daughter asked me the other day, "Mommy, what's a boyfriend?". And also, on a separate day, "How do babies get in your tummy?", she's five. And connecting the dots. I see a chastity belt in someone's future.

4. Have you ever run out of your favorite wrinkle cream and were cursing yourself that evening when you remembered that you were too lazy to run out and pick some up earlier in the day? Where earlier in the day equals: at least four days ago but you somehow managed to scrape enough out with your fingernail to make it this far. Then you recall seeing a sample for Estee Lauder Perfectionist [CP+] Advanced with wrinkle lift restructuring peptides - now more collagen in just 2 hours! - lingering in your Allure magazine. So you excitedly tear it out because you think you're so smart [and also try not to gag on the scent of several perfumes that even on their own are kinda rank] and peel back the sample only to discover that it will cover exactly one square inch of your face? It is the freshest square inch of my face I've ever seen! Focus on the apple of my right cheek. Please ignore the rest of my face. Clearly I am.

5. You know how you can entertain a cat with a flashlight and it will dart about trying to catch it on the wall? Works with five year olds too, just so ya know.

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Unrelated drivel to the previous unrelated drivel: Mr. Farklepants tried to teach basic arithmetic to Jeff Spicoli our stoner friend who, after some seriously fracked up calculations, determined that if the 700 billion dollars used in the bailout on Wall Street were divided up and distributed to every person in the world's population, they'd each get one hundred-eleven billion dollars. There was no reasoning with him that if you gave one hundred billion dollars to each person, you'd run out after seven people. Just before Mr. Farklepants suffered a stroke of epic proportions, he turned to Boy-Child#1 and stated matter of factly: This is why you should never do drugs, son.

People on 'ludes should not try to save the economy.