Thursday, October 23, 2008

Some People Need to Get it Together

Dear Girl-Child,

If you want to be Dora the Explorer for Halloween, be it. If you change your mind and want to be a black kitty again like you were last year and I go out and buy you new tights I'd appreciate it if you would have let me know before you pulled the tights out of the bag and inquired, "What's this?" that you now want to be a cheerleader. Because, POOF!! Now you're a cheerleader. The statute of limitations on changing your mind has run out. Halloween costume shopping season has officially ended. Where season equals me and that place where I bought it. I'm looking at you Party City - don't go anywhere because I'm not finished with you.

Love,
Mama

P.s. I'm really glad you changed your mind about the Dora costume because, what, you're a little girl and you were going to be, um, a little girl for Halloween?

******************************************

Dear Boy-Child#2,

If you wanted to be a banana,


Be the damn banana! I'll even be the pineapple and your sister can be the strawberry and we can go as a pack of tropical flavored Lifesavers. Or a smoothie. But don't think you have to be all macho and go with the camouflaged ninja:


Which is arguably the worst costume ever because ninjas don't wear army green. And no you can't have a gun to go with it because, here's your martial arts lesson for the day: Ninjas don't use guns. They are skilled in the art of stealth. Besides, everyone knows that ninjas used firecrackers. Thanks so much for waiting until we got home and you tried the costume on then decided that you really wanted to be the banana after all. Mama wants to know this: what ever happened to boys being Dracula for Halloween? I hope you're happy that you're robbing me of the opportunity to paint your face and apply fangs to your uppers. What about my needs?

Love and guilt,
Mama

*******************************************

Dear Party City,

I don't have time to beat around the bush due to your lack of sufficient staff scheduling. It is no secret that Halloween is your busiest shopping season. Why, fortheloveofgod, is there only ONE, yes one, employee on hand to retrieve costumes from the stock room for a store FULL of customers? And why does that one person have to be seventeen and kind of assholey? But I sort of can't blame him for being assholey because I would be too if I were the ONLY person having to accommodate all of those people less than two weeks before Halloween. And I would be telling people left and also right that we're out of this size or that costume altogether if it would mean just one less person I'd have to deal with, "Yes I'm sure we don't have that size. Yes I checked. Your kid can be a ghost. Use a sheet. Now get out."

I know that other teenaged girl was scheduled to work that day, but according to her she "was on a break". I know this because when I asked if she was helping people, that was her answer. Except she said it in such a way that you'd think I'd just asked her to perform some duty that didn't involve either of us wearing any pants.

For future reference, just so ya know, Halloween = super busy.

Have a great day!

Your's Truly,
Tootsie Farklepants

P.s. Bite me.

34 comments:

Saucy said...

Dear Tootsie,

Party City can SUCK IT. Tell them I said so.

Dear Tootsie Girl,

Mommie needs a break. Dora can also SUCK IT. Black cats are cute and way less work than cheerleaders.

Dear Tootsie Boy,

Ninjas wear all black, sometimes don their mother's scarves and are SILENT for the entire day. Go for it. You can utilize the aforementioned black cat tights if sister goes cheerleader. So there!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

From a woman who has 2 children who still haven't decided what they are going to be, I say thank you for the laugh. And now I am going to find a couple of old sheets and cut eyeholes in them.

Anonymous said...

Me likey the word "assholey". I know I'll be overusing it a lot today. Thanks for the laughs. You want to hear something sad? My 24 year old daughter will be on a business trip on Halloween and is upset she can't partake in the holiday. You have lots of costume plagued years ahead of you, Tootsie!

MamaMo said...

Does this mean YOU'll be going as Dracula for Halloween?! (No, wait, then you'd be the one doing the biting. nevermind)

oh... and OUR Halloween store - the thrift shop!

Sue @ My Party of 6 said...

Are you writing about my house again? And right down to Party City even. Where I am going for the 4th time this week because someone stepped on Cinderella's tiara and broke it before we ever even got out of the car yesterday.

This is why I love Thanksgiving. No way to disappoint the kiddos. Just stuff them full of food.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Just stopped by to add that the kid at Party City in your 'hood? Also has to work at the Party City in my 'hood. No wonder the poor dear is so assholey. He works two Party City jobs.

calicobebop said...

I skipped Party City this year and went straight to ebay. Thankfully, Muffin hasn't changed her mind. Yet. But, who cares if she does! She'll be at her Daddy's house. Bwahh ha ha ha...

Can't wait to see pictures of your little trick-or-treaters!

Bunny Bunster said...

I'm so glad my child has finally outgrown this!!
Good luck!

NES said...

My empathies! My almost 3 year old has been telling me since LABOR DAY that she wants to be a blue ballerina. I verified this about one million times because she's purple-obsessed, so this was a very specific request. Last week I spent $25 to order a very gorgeous tutu ensemble from someone on Etsy and no kidding, the hour after I hit the paypal button, I picked her up and she declared without even being in the middle of a conversation about it: Mama, I'm going to be a clown for Halloween! I told her she can be a blue ballerina clown.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

When you put it this way, I'm thinking the homemade route we've always gone is actually easier.

MamaHenClucks said...

Now that I've cleaned the keyboard from the coffee that came from my nose while laughing. . .

Chickie Girl is going as the same thing she was last year - a unicorn pony. The twist for this year? She'll be adding a crown, so she's a princess unicorn pony. She's easy like that.

Chickie Boy wants to be a clone trooper from Star Wars but I refuse to spend $30 on a costume when there is a superman and spiderman costume he has NEVER WORN hanging in his closet. Sigh.

Elle Charlie said...

Haha, very funny post.

Don't forget, you can mix and match. My niece is going to be a ballerina with a light saber (her description). Your son could be a banana with some sort of fangs or weaponry...

Madame Queen said...

Yeah, Bubba tried to back out of his costume too, but I put the kibosh on that. Told him it was too late.

And whatever happened to the good old Hobo costume. Baggy pants, baggy shirt, bandanna tied around a stick, stubble from mom's mascara? Now that was a good (read: easy) costume!

Oh, and when you started talking about fruit for a second I thought you were going to be the Fruit of the Loom guys!

for a different kind of girl said...

I have two kids who still don't know what they want to be and trick-or-treat is one week away. Nice. I know. Last night, the youngest boy sighed and said he'd go out as some skull warrior thing. Because Mommy apparently knows who to put together a skull warrior costume.

I always went as a hobo. Whatever happened to hobos? I should just dress them up as the teenagers who show up at the door in their tshirts and jeans, and tell them to fetch me a 100 Grand bar!

Burgh Baby said...

The Toddler has THREE costumes at her disposal. It's not her fault, though, that a certain male parental unit has SUCKER tattooed on his forehead and buys her whatever she points at when they go shopping together. Not at Party city. Cause that place is The Suck, but you knew that.

Persnickety Ticker said...

Absolutely the funniest post I have read in a while!

My kiddo has changed her little 5 year old mind 3 times. I have been to Party City twice. They all act like mindless, assholey, zombies. That is...whenever they are not on a break.

I have the sheet with the holes in in on standby.

Undomestic Diva said...

So my miniature versions of Batman and Superman shouldn't be carrying machetes? Why those sneaky little fuckers...

pam said...

p.s. bite me I love it! And my sentiments exactly.

Jennifer H said...

My girl wanted to be a peacock. Ask me if we've started on that costume?

So, Party City, it is. Damn freaking dammit.

Swirl Girl said...

WE MUST SHOP AT THE SAME DAMNED PARTY CITY!

I made a deal with my kids - no more than $20 per costume. At P.C the bottom row of pictures on the wall have all the under $20 costumes...of course - all out of stock.

Not to mention the girl costumes are either cutie pie or whore-ific.

I managed to dig and dig and found a cheerleader and pirate girl (with pants and no bare midriff) on sale and both under $15.00)

I'd wind up carrying that crap anyway.

I hate halloween....still.

Minnesota Matron said...

Really, our daughters are emailing each other Strategies for Making Mama Crazy Faster

NInfusion said...

Mamamo's got it right with those two words: thrift store. In fact I just posted a video and article on my website about how she's not alone there: Green Halloween Costume Ideas
Good luck.

Mrs. G. said...

You're right about one thing: that is one lame ass ninja.

Indy said...

I love this. You nailed it. From the crummy store to the kids changing their minds. You nailed it.

JCK said...

I can't wait for the pictures! Loved that Party City letter.

And I've got my hands full here with a boy who wants to be a robot...and won't change his mind. And I'm making the costume...

Jenny said...

I too went to the Party City. People that work there and shop there are crazy. Having a baby in a stroller and a tiny toddler gave me no advantage for getting any closer to "the wall of possiblity."

BYW- I loved the bananna costume too, but it just wasn't in the budget... : (

Lisa said...

One year Julia was a banana and Ally was an apple. My mom made the costumes. She is WAY better than Party City. But, she wont let them change their minds either. Once they decide that it is, case closed. I suck like that.

BOSSY said...

This is too funny. Bossy will have to arrest you for Too Much Funny.

mysecondjournal said...

We would get the 9 year old 2 costumes and he would wear then all of Sept and Oct to "play" and then he got to pick one to trick or treat..

Nora Bee said...

Dear Tootsie:
You are a better mother than I.
Nora

Ringleader said...

THANK YOU!!! Serously- who is the genious putting together the work schedule over there- ONE check stand open the weekend before Halloween?

Yes- now that I am almost finished sewing my 11 year old's Greek Goddess dress (Pandora to be exact), she's hinting at something else. To be honest, I'm a little relieved because I don't think I have the patience or time to finish it (3 yards of cheap satin- no biggie)and her new idea has to do with my old prom dress which = free-

katydidnot said...

dear halloween,

bite me.

sincerely,

katy

katydidnot said...

oh, saucy's comment is awesome.

sari said...

You know, I went to Party City two weeks ago for some birthday party stuff and it was the same way. it took the cashier about 13 minutes to ring up the lady in front of me, and she was already about 96 years old. I thought for sure I was going to be 96 by the time if was my turn. Or at least my one year old would already be about three, it seemed to take so long.