I Seem to be Pimping A Lot of L'Oreal

liss extreme cera liss system. What is that? It is: masque lissant cheveux indisciplines. What? Vous ne parlez pas français? Me either. Translation: It is a smoothing masque for unmanageable hair. And it is from the L'Oreal Professionnel line. And it's not just the quality that separates it from the bargain line. So does the price and the language barrier. But trust me when I say that you want this stuff. See that little purple square on the right bottom side of the jar? That is supposedly all that you need per application. That's a fat lie. Or in French: c'est un gros mensonge. You need about 2 heaping fingertips worth, but still. The directions also say to apply to shampooed and towel dried hair but I don't have that kind of time. I mean, who washes their hair, gets out, towel dries their hair, applies a conditioning hair mask, waits 3 minutes then gets back in the shower? Not anyone with a job or kids or a blog or a life, obviously. So I wash my hair, wring it out IN THE SHOWER, and then apply and let it set while I do other things that involve liquid soap, a scrunchy, shaving cream, and a razor. Sorry, those are the only details I'll reveal. Then I rinse. When it's finally blown dry it's...it's... well, remember when you were a teenager and your hair was soft and bouncy? Yeah, me either. The 1980's were replete with home perms, crimping irons, too infrequent hair cuts, teasing, and excessive Aqua Net and Depp gel use. But I hear the youth have cornered the market on the touchability factor when it comes to hair. So use this and people will approach you and exclaim: vos cheveux sont impressionnants! That's right. It will inspire people to speak French. And you'll be all, "I'm sorry, I don't know what you just said" and they'll be all, "I apologize. I don't know where that came from. I don't even know how to speak French, how'd that happen? I mean, Your hair is awesome".


What is wrong with this picture? Aside from the fact that the mirror reveals that I have those God awful vanity lights in my bathroom? This is my blusher. No I did not drop it. I have used it down to the last right hand corner. This is Clinique Nude Nude Blush. And it is discontinued. Why? Who the hell knows. I mean, it's only the most perfect color for my skin tone. Ever! It's not too peachy, not too pink, not too brown, and not too bronze. So of course it makes perfect sense to just stop making it. And what's worse is that I've yet to find a replacement shade. I bought one that was too orangey and powdery when applied. Then another one was too pink and had some kind of sparkly crack in it that made me look like a hooker stripper $1000 a night call girl. And one was just too "mauvey" which translates into too 1985. Clinique, you've been put on notice. You would be dead to me except that I still rely on you for my City Base Foundation in Ivory Bisque. Do not fuck that up. I'm not opposed to slapping your staff.