Thursday, August 7, 2008

Although I Might be Persuaded to Send His Resume to Bill Gates

Yesterday was junior high school registration for incoming seventh graders. I'd be remiss not to high-five the staff and give them their props for running such a finely orchestrated event. No crowds. No muss. No fuss. Way to go Mustangs! And I apologize for the disorganized chaos I had built up in my imagination. Previous experience with similar occasions colored me cynical. My bad.

Once home, Boy-Child#1 put his student ID card in his wallet [Him: "It's like a drivers license!" Kind of, Kiddo, except for the driving part and don't try to use it to buy smokes and hooch, McLovin or I'll be McBeatin' your ass] and then familiarized himself with the school rules and regulations. He's got the dress code down since he's not really one for gang insignia or wearing the waist of his pants around his knees (yet); and knows to leave the weapons at home except for perhaps sweaty gym socks that may be classified as lethal. And also thinks that suspension doesn't sound like much of a punishment. I assured him he'd be sorry if he was forced to miss school for his behavior. And reminded him also that detention was no Breakfast Club, so don't go getting any ideas [I'm looking at you John Hughes. You made that shit look fun].

I perused the provided literature and came across a form that I'm telling you right now WILL be filled out and returned before the "October first due date to be valid for the current year", and was kind of stuck in there between the school schedule and low-income meal ticket application like "oh-yeah-hi-by-the-way-maybe-you-won't-see-this-I-hope". And that is the Directory Information Exclusion Request. What is that you wonder? Let me show you it:

I herewith (fancy words for DUDE, I mean this! It's very Shakespeare you know.) request that directory information (name, address, telephone number, date and place of birth, sex, major field of study, participation in officially recognized activities and sports, weight and height of members of athletic teams, dates of attendance, degrees and awards received and the most recent previous public or private school attended) on the above named student be withheld from agencies such as those listed below.

  • List of graduate names in local papers (eh, not such a big thang)
  • Armed Services Recruitment Officers
  • Public colleges, universities, community colleges
  • Private colleges, universities, trade and technical schools
  • Selective Service
  • Community agencies
This is junior high school, right? My son did JUST finish elementary school, yeah? Isn't it a little premature to be turning over his digits to the armed services? Why not just mark him straight out the birth canal and have him drop and give you twenty before the cord has even been cut, you eager beavers?! Excuse me while I breath into this paper bag. Oh, I'm sorry. That was not effective. Someone get me the smelling salts. Houston? We've got a mama down. I repeat, a mama is down. Get the paddles.

Isn't a career in the military something he should decide on his own? Like, as an adult, and certainly not by his mommy? I'd no more submit his name to that than I would to a fortune 500 company with a sticky note that states: FYI, he's 11 but you're gonna wanna stand up and take notice of him, trust me, thanks bye.

The hell...?

45 comments:

Undomestic Diva said...

CLEAR!

Jesus Tootsie, don't be scarin' me. I've got three boys & the oldest is about to hit the Kindergarten playground in two weeks. I had no idea I needed to buy him a backpack AND fatigues.

Toss that paper bag over in my direction when you're done with it, k?

Mekhismom said...

How very odd. This is junior high school so I find this very strange. Keep those paddles close I am sure that this is the first of many times that you are going to need them over the next 10 years.

calicobebop said...

Glad you recovered! Hope he doesn't get into any trouble with the student ID card!

Kristi said...

Wow.

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

Wow...I didn't get anything like that for my kid...but I'll be watching now!!

Thanks for stopping by my site!

Indy said...

That would freak me out too. Poor thing. They'll be calling him until he is out of college. I have two boys. Not looking forward to it.

Scrappy Jessi said...

ha ha,
you are hysterical,
i just found you through my gal pal, saucy.
what a great writer you are. i will be back to see more of your life.
oxoxox,
jessi

OHmommy said...

Yikes.

I am not looking forward to those lethal gym socks.

hulagirlatheart said...

Ha! I just signed this same form last night, although my daughter is a sophomore this year. I signed it along with the 13! other forms regarding the conduct code, use of computers, health history, medication distribution yadda, yadda, yadda, blah, blah, blah.... It took 45 freakin' minutes to sign all the documents.

Amy said...

Really in 7th grade!?!?! Seems a little early if you ask me. High school - I can understand but middle school?

Good luck with the coming year - and lets hope he doesn't start wearing his pants around his thighs!

jenontheedge said...

And to think that I'm hyperventilating over 4th grade sex ed.

Burgh Baby said...

Somehow, someway, this is Arnold's fault. I don't know exactly how, but it has to be. Never trust a bodybuilder/actor (sort of)/governor.

feather nester said...

Unbelievably scary. Thanks for forewarning us. I have a daughter. Who's only nine months old. But still. Clearly I should have my guard up.

Thank goodness they at least GAVE you an out. If not from the concept, at least from the actuality. Hope the rest of the new school year goes more smoothly.

Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I heard about this recently. But junior high????
It looks like it was sneaked in under No Child Left Behind.
Very scary.

scargosun said...

I think it's the general language they use for all schools after middle school. It's not like the school district wanted to pay a lawyer for another version of why you don't want your childs info out there in public.

Marmarbug said...

And they WONDER why kids act like they are 13 going on 30? Well maybe because they rush them to grow up.
Breathe honey. And here take a Xanax and have a nice glass of wine. There all better.

smalltownmom said...

Here, read my blog about the lying naval recruiter: http://smalltownmom.blogspot.com/2008/02/in-navy-not.html

He had the gall to call again yesterday!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

It is odd--that's usually a high school thing.

You'll really be happy when he turns 18 and his Selective Service PreRegistration comes in the mail--but don't worry, your daughter won't get one. This is the one that sent me over the edge.

Oliver Rain said...

My goodness. We start junior high in two years. I hope they don't do that here in Canada!

Moi said...

We got that form in the back of our handbook for PRESCHOOL. I was wondering what the Army wanted with my 3 year old daughter. Frankly, the way she talks and talks and talks, I think somehow that power could be harnessed. Not too mention the power of a princess tantrum.

Steph said...

oh just you wait...soon the credit card applications will start arriving! and right after you turn 40...your very own AARP card!

AGSoccerMom said...

My boy is starting high school this year so that's where I am at.
Though when he started junior high the big thing for him was what underwear to wear because of changing in gym. He wanted to fit in. Just so you know it's half tighty whities and half boxers.
Seriously things are getting younger and younger.

Jennifer H said...

I think I may need to go lie down.

Jeez, woman, you're scaring me.

Wrong, just so wrong.

Maura said...

Wow, I had no idea. I second marmarbug's suggestion.

At least you saw it -- just think of all the oblivious people who probably shoved all that paperwork in a drawer.

fairytalesandmargaritas said...

I had to fill that out for my SECOND grader!

ALF said...

Seems a bit strange.

Librarian Lee said...

You'll love it when they hit High School and those recruiters are there daily, filling the kid's with stories or glory and excitement. They get more propoganda time than the librarian!

Melissa said...

I don't know...we might still be fighting this war in 7 years when he's old enough to be drafted...yeah, just call me a liberal! LOL!

I actually read about this last year...I would say starting a little early, huh? I mean don't they already have the info from his social security card?

EatPlayLove said...

well you know if someone is elected president, he'll help us stay in Iraq for centuries to come, so we need to start recruiting young!

for my daughter's kindergarten registration I had to sign paperwork that we weren't migrant farm workers and also sign that we had no intention to work in agriculture for the next calendar year.

Stacie said...

I have a 7th grader too. We don't have that well disguised PIECE OF CRAP form. I really like the way they just kinda slip those recruiters and selective service BS in there. You know, in between the "colleges , universities, blah blah blah!" As a matter of fact, the only form I filled out was an emergency contact form for 7th grade...I'm not surprised as I like to call my son's jr. high GEN POP.

hippo brigade said...

Kids are still wearing their jeans low? OMG, get with it kids, that was (kinda) cool when I was in high school, 9 years ago. The style now is skinny jeans, skinny and on the hips. Come on boys. Get it together.

Karen said...

My girl dating, your boy trying to be recruited. What is it with these kids growing up too fast?!

Stop the world, I need to get off.

g said...

You bet, we filled that out too! We always felt that the child-rearing approach of junior high was kind of like prison. My kid really loved going to high school after junior high was over. they treated them like human beings again.

Nap Warden said...

That seems crazy!

MamaGeek said...

Oh no. Say it ain't so.

I'm afraid. I'm VERRYYY afraid.

laughingatchaos said...

Good God, it's bad enough my brother is in the Army and my boys think Uncle David is the best thing ever. Well, he is, but not because he's a soldier!
Junior high is too young for that crap. No way will I allow his info out before he's 18, and then only because he has to register with Selective Service by law. Hopefully by then we as a country will be moving in a different direction. Hopefully.

GoteeMan said...

and this, YO, is why we need a new Prez... at the current rate, pretty much everyone (except for gay, double amputee, phsychotic, cross-dressing, communist nazis) stands a good chance of getting called up at some point.

Gee, I got an idear - why not just beef up our own defenses instead of building an international "peacekeeping" force of our own and invading whoever we want to...

ok, soapbox is put away... I am so sorry for cloggin yer blog, especially on my first visit...

well, they say first impressions are evertying, so i gesss i am skrwd.

=)

J/

Erin said...

Another reason I'm glad I have a daughter. Sexist...maybe, but I don't care. Whatever it takes to keep her safe. I don't blame you one bit.

dorothy said...

Most awesome thing I've ever seen (in the past week): A license playing sporting the letters "MC<3IN".

P.S. The <3 was an actual heart. Ya know, on license plates.

Marcy Writes-The Glamorous Life said...

Glad I am not alone in this. I have taught my boys to stay clear of all military stuff. And they are 7 and 9. ....and already in jr. high? If my kids decide at 18- well that is their choice (of course I will still cut them out of the will)

standing still said...

Guess what little provision got written into the No Child Left Behind Law (otherwise known by the Bushies as The Elementary and Secondary Education Act of 2002): Parents must OPT OUT of disclosing their child's name to the military. Yup, your representatives and senators agreed to that shit. 165 days left in the Bush administration, just a by the way ....

Colleen said...

bad thing is if you opt out, they won't share that info with colleges or the newspaper.

meanwhile, I still have some anti-anxiety drugs left over from my post-partum days...holler if you need it.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oh Tootsie, didn't you know this is how they feed the War Machine? *sigh* I'll be in your shoes in 2 short year.

JCK said...

That is really scary.

thegoddessjen said...

Oh my. I can tell you aren't in MY district where there are some children I'd rather had Selective Service opportunities as early as the third grade, lol. Seriously, at least they gave you an "opt out" form!

Also, I think I'll borrow your letter to the drop-off parents and make a bumper sticker of it for my car. ;-)