Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Somewhere Between Tortoise and Hare

Last Thursday I guess it was, I had the television on for background noise and because there's clearly nothing else airing right now, the Olympics were on. I assumed what I saw on the screen was a marathon but it was pouring down rain (in China) and, truthfully, I wasn't really paying that much attention. Then I was like, they're walking. Walking really fast. Then I thought maybe it was because of the blinding rain that they slowed down for caution but then I was like, these are the mother effing Olympics! There's no slowing down in the Olympics! You're there to win, dammit! To hell with caution and weather. Then I completely lost interest.

Later, during dinner at my parents house, my father was talking about the Olympics because there is nothing else going on in the world right now. I mentioned how I had watched a few moments of what appeared to a marathon in the rain. My aunt asked if it was men or women. I was all, can you tell the difference? Because seriously they all look like malnourished crack addicts wearing patriotic speedos and visors. I mean, not really the athletic physique I aspire to achieve. Anyway, my father pipes up with "It's racewalking". And we all lauuuughed and lauuughed. Then he was like, "No, I'm serious. Racewalking is an Olympic sport". He was serious.

Are you kidding me?! W-A-L-K-I-N-G? Walking, albeit at a fast pace, is an Olympic sport? Walking isn't a sport! It's a natural basic instinct. Let's try a little experiment: Right now, go grab an infant that is just a couple of weeks old.

Go ahead, I'll wait. Did you locate one? Okay...

Now hold that infant up by the armpits and let his or her feet touch the ground. Aha! They're making a walking motion aren't they? One foot up then down. Then the other. That's what people do! They walk! Upright, in fact. It's what separates us from other mammals. [Well, one of the things and please don't come back to me flaunting your meerkats and circus bears in my face you get what I'm saying] And we're very proud of it!

Gymnastics? Not an instinctual discipline. You have to learn how to flip through the air. It takes practice to fling yourself over a vault and stick it. People were not meant to mount a four inch wide piece of wood [believe me, I know how that sounds and I really am talking about gymnastics], hence the difficulty of the balance beam; let alone do a few cartwheels and backflips. Did you have the desire to swivel your hips around on a pommel horse when you were like ten months old? Probably not but you most likely wanted to walk and figured it out by the time you reached your first birthday.

Once a child learns to walk they've pretty much got it mastered in a couple of days. Toddlers, as the name would indicate, can walk. And sometimes very fast. Have you ever taken your eyes off a toddler then turned around to find they'd eluded you? And you're like, how did they get away from me so fast? That's right. Speedwalkers. Or ninjas.

How did synchronized swimming get such a bad rap? At least it involves choreography. And breath holding.

That's it. I'm going to the next Olympics. 2012 here I come! I smell Olympic gold in my future.

25 comments:

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

How can you smell it? Are those medals really chocolate? I thought so! No wonder they are so valuable!

hulagirlatheart said...

I've got a ribbon and a stick in my craft supplies, so I'm thinking of taking up rhythmic gymnastics. London in 2012! Here we come!!

Manic Mommy said...

My favorite is the biathalon during the winter games - cross country skiing then stopping to shoot - whaa? Brought to you by James Bond or maybe Dr. Evil.

Racewalking - yes?
Baseball - no?

Hmmm.

Madame Queen said...

Actually, my stepdad used to do racewalking and it is UNBELIEVABLY difficult to do. You can't pick one foot up before you put the other one down, you can't bend your knee more than a certain angle, and all sorts of other weird and nonsensical rules.

Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat? said...

Now I'm serious on this one. There used to be tug-o-war in the Olympics. They should totally bring that back.

Allison said...

Racewalking? How friggin' ridiculous is that for an Olympic sport?

Maybe I'll see you at the Olympics in 2012. I'm not competing, but I'd like to go. I'll cheer you on. I'll be the one screaming "GooOoOoo TtttoooooOOtsiiieeeeee! WWWoooooooo!"

Caution Flag said...

I used to know a man who racewalked. People used to point at him and laugh. It was terrible when I drove by him and he would acknowledge me. I was, of course, incredibly mature.

Kaye Butler said...

Shooting. Sharp shooting is a sport in the olympics. Seriously? I saw the womens long distance race...the one picked to win from China, seriously needed FOOD. She is begining to look like a skeleton.

OHmommy said...

I did not know.

Seriously? Wow. I might be off to London too. I am pretty good at walking.

Marilyn said...

Whatever.

Racewalking.
Water Polo.
Circumcized Swimming.

These are just a few of the reasons I would rather watch re-runs of Little House than have to suffer through viewing our planets athletic super hero's

Limbic Resonance said...

Yeah, while I am personally a big fan of the Olympics and most of the sports...the racewalking cracked us up too. Did you hear Bob Costas? He even made fun of it! In a very dry way he said "uh huh, they're in TOP walking condition." I'm in agreement with MM, they get rid of baseball and softball, but keep racewalking?!

mysecondjournal said...

Next up...video games. I swear, 2018 or so I'm not sure if it will be a winter or summer sport. Game Boy, PSP, DS..and my step son is gonna get the gold.

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

Wait a minute: race walking is in & baseball is out? Seriously. I'm disgusted.

Mrs. G. said...

Race Walking looks more difficult than that dance with the ribbon thing.

Trailboss said...

OMG, I love your posts!

AGSoccerMom said...

Didn't catch the racewalking, but did catch BMX racing. So start your son now, and you both can be in the olympics. Oh wait he just started jr. high, but will the US doctor his passport?

Jennifer H said...

Watching racewalking makes me wonder how many of them will need hip replacements.

I wonder if orthopedic surgeons get their mailing lists from those events.

Star said...

There was a trampoline event too...first time I had seen that one.

If there is ever a race eating of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies event...I'M THERE!

Stacie said...

"they all look like malnourished crack addicts wearing patriotic speedos and visors" LOLOLOL!!!!! It's evident to me that I will have to wear Depends while reading your posts!!

The Mom Bomb, a/k/a Folksy Mama said...

Umm . . . I suppose now would be a bad time to tell you how PSYCHED we are at this house to watch Olympic badmitton.

apathy lounge said...

I probably don't have another marathon in me, so racewalking sounds totally do-able.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Am there with you. Racewalking. I get archery and even to a lesser degree beach volleyball. But walking. Huh. I'd just heard of this the other day and it made me think of that episode of Malcolm in the Middle where Hal picks it up and gets really good at it.

Karen said...

Truly, there should be some sport for mothers. Diaper changing, puke catching... I dunno but there's gotta be something if walking is there.

Sleep Deprivation Ninja said...

Baby soothing should be an Olympic sport. It's part of the Ninjalympics. I mean, it takes stealth, cunning and sometimes the element of surprise.

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Plus they look like they are in pain as they do it. And if they exhibit any sort of a jog/run, they are disqualified. How do you walk fast enough without running, but faster than everyone else. I mean seriously, if it is still considered a walk, isn't there some sort of break even point where we all would top out at some speed before it is considered a jog? I don't get it.

KEEP BELIEVING