Somewhere Between Tortoise and Hare

Last Thursday I guess it was, I had the television on for background noise and because there's clearly nothing else airing right now, the Olympics were on. I assumed what I saw on the screen was a marathon but it was pouring down rain (in China) and, truthfully, I wasn't really paying that much attention. Then I was like, they're walking. Walking really fast. Then I thought maybe it was because of the blinding rain that they slowed down for caution but then I was like, these are the mother effing Olympics! There's no slowing down in the Olympics! You're there to win, dammit! To hell with caution and weather. Then I completely lost interest.

Later, during dinner at my parents house, my father was talking about the Olympics because there is nothing else going on in the world right now. I mentioned how I had watched a few moments of what appeared to a marathon in the rain. My aunt asked if it was men or women. I was all, can you tell the difference? Because seriously they all look like malnourished crack addicts wearing patriotic speedos and visors. I mean, not really the athletic physique I aspire to achieve. Anyway, my father pipes up with "It's racewalking". And we all lauuuughed and lauuughed. Then he was like, "No, I'm serious. Racewalking is an Olympic sport". He was serious.

Are you kidding me?! W-A-L-K-I-N-G? Walking, albeit at a fast pace, is an Olympic sport? Walking isn't a sport! It's a natural basic instinct. Let's try a little experiment: Right now, go grab an infant that is just a couple of weeks old.

Go ahead, I'll wait. Did you locate one? Okay...

Now hold that infant up by the armpits and let his or her feet touch the ground. Aha! They're making a walking motion aren't they? One foot up then down. Then the other. That's what people do! They walk! Upright, in fact. It's what separates us from other mammals. [Well, one of the things and please don't come back to me flaunting your meerkats and circus bears in my face you get what I'm saying] And we're very proud of it!

Gymnastics? Not an instinctual discipline. You have to learn how to flip through the air. It takes practice to fling yourself over a vault and stick it. People were not meant to mount a four inch wide piece of wood [believe me, I know how that sounds and I really am talking about gymnastics], hence the difficulty of the balance beam; let alone do a few cartwheels and backflips. Did you have the desire to swivel your hips around on a pommel horse when you were like ten months old? Probably not but you most likely wanted to walk and figured it out by the time you reached your first birthday.

Once a child learns to walk they've pretty much got it mastered in a couple of days. Toddlers, as the name would indicate, can walk. And sometimes very fast. Have you ever taken your eyes off a toddler then turned around to find they'd eluded you? And you're like, how did they get away from me so fast? That's right. Speedwalkers. Or ninjas.

How did synchronized swimming get such a bad rap? At least it involves choreography. And breath holding.

That's it. I'm going to the next Olympics. 2012 here I come! I smell Olympic gold in my future.