Then I Hurled Myself Off the Nearest Skyscraper

When I picked Girl-Child up from school yesterday the sun was shining, it was one hundred degrees outside, birds chirped and molted, groups of women chatted in sparse patches of shade. One lone father tried to blend in with a tree. The children were released and the air was filled with giggles, and squees, the sounds of running, and a few Hey, Mom hold my backpack wouldya's. All appeared so innocent. All was as it should be.

Once home, I set about my daily routine of checking Girl-Child's kindergarten folder and the first thing that caught my eye were the words "Dear Parents, Recently we have had a case...", and I thought oh dear God please! It's Strep. I just know it and dammit this is how we started school off last year when a particularly stubborn case kept looping itself around Boy-Child#1's classroom. So bad, in fact, that his classroom had to be DISINFECTED. Boy-Child#1? Totally got it. Twice.

At least strep throat is something that can be handled with a trip to the doctor, an antibiotic [even if it does taste like a trip to hell twice a day for ten days], some motrin, a couple of days off from school eating a few popsicles, and some comforting hugs from Mom for good measure.

But then I read the note further. And I can't even believe that I am here to tell you, because friends? This note sent me right over the edge... this note was far more sinister. It brought ominous news. In fact, Vincent Price was the narrator. It conveyed information that had me debating the quickest way to burn my house and all of its contents to the ground. Even my new couch that I'm still in the groping inappropriately and making out with phase. I grieved for my poor car that was surely going to have to be driven off a cliff.

I continued to read; {hatch} the note shaking in my hands. {small eggs} The words! Those awful evil words. I began to scratch involuntarily. {multiply rapidly} I couldn't stop. {not fly or jump but can crawl very fast} I was getting all twitchy. {nits} I ran to my daughter and started scrupulously inspecting her scalp. {signs of head lice infestation...} and to my relief (???) Girl-Child says, "Mommy, the lady at school already did this today". To which I asked, and did she say you were fine? "Yes".

LICE. FORTHELOVEOFGODNOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo. Do you know what else this note of doom had the audacity to say? "Head lice is a rather misunderstood nuisance". Oh. Well. The poor dear. Hopefully its health insurance will cover its therapy bills. And who will help this family? Because sohelpmegod if even ONE of those parasites makes an appearance, this family will be homeless, without car, and bald.

Amen.