Monday, August 25, 2008

It Smelled Exactly Like Ass

Have you ever walked into your garage to inspect an odor that is emitting into your home and appears to be coming from that location? Because after searching your house by nose, and after extrapolation and triangulation, you've determined that it's coming from behind that door and not, as previously thought, that the dog had crapped a soupy mess in some mystery location and you're kind of surprised that you even suspected her because she never does that? Then you open said door and are slapped in the face with pure evil? And the first thing out of your mouth is [no, not vomit] "Holy shit! Is that the water heater?!". Because what else in your garage would smell like sulfur and rotten eggs? And so suddenly? If this had been a horror movie this would be right around the time you'd scream at the screen to get out of the house! It has gone bad! Leave everything grab your children and run like hell! Dammit! Go GO GOOO!!!

Well, you'll be happy to know that it wasn't the water heater. Thank God because it costs like half a million dollars to have someone come out and fix that shit. And it wasn't a poltergeist. No. It was one of these:



Which had been slipped under the garage door through a space where the weather stripping has disintegrated. It was put there by a little 8 year old jerk boy who lives down the street. A little boy that my children have been forbidden to play with. Because that little boy beat the hell out of Boy-Child#2's face a couple of weeks ago; leaving him with 2 black eyes and a bruise across his forehead which fortunately mostly cleared up before school started. To which that boys mother handled said situation by doing...absolutely nothing*.

And now that mother and I act like grownups and flat out ignore each other. Because it's so much fun to live on our street! The coup de grĂ¢ce in all this is that now I have the upper hand because her son has broken the no contact rule that is still in play. Not only is Boy-Child#2 not allowed to play with her son as instructed by me; her son is not allowed to play with Boy-Child#2, as instructed by her. It gave me great pleasure to walk down my street and up to her front door with a fart bomb loosely clutched in my upper hand and tattle on her son. Her son who was playing in their driveway. With several packets of these things littering their front yard.

Wow. He was so totally not expecting me. The look on his mug was priceless!

It's like a fart bomb went off in the proverbial cookie jar.

P.S. He apparently bought these from the ice cream man which just begs the question: WTF, ice cream man?

*P.P.S. The hell? He was allowed to buy something from the ice cream truck? If my son punched another kid in the face REPEATEDLY he wouldn't see an ice cream truck until he was twenty five.

37 comments:

Jennifer H said...

Tempting, isn't it though, to buy a few from the ice cream man yourself and leave them in odd places around their house or in their cars.

So when you saw him, would you say you gave him the, uh, stink eye?

Mekhismom said...

I agree, why was he allowed to buy anything in the first place. How did you know he left the "bomb"?

1blueshi1 said...

Good Lord, WTF is up with that MOM? Her kid beats the hell out of yours and she doesn't have him on his knees in your yard 24/7 learning Latin? (mea culpa IS Latin, right?
I took French so I could read French Vogue...hehehe)
A little something for you over at my place, except I think you already have it! oh well....

O'Neal (The woman in charge around here) said...

I think the term "little stinker" is being tame when referring to this kid. What did his Mom say? Anything??? Do her kid go to the same school as yours?

I am terrified to even let my kids go NEAR the ice cream truck in our neighborhood! There are several, some not even an ice cream truck with music, just a late 80's mini van with the side window removed and a poster board menu duct taped to the side. They sell pink pickled eggs 2 for 50 cents if that is any indication of just how hood my neighborHOOD is!

Karen said...

What? No smackdown stories or catfights? Because I'd totally have blown a gasket if that went down.

Manic Mommy said...

Think positive thoughts; maybe she gave his Wii away to the 'poor children.'

Muddlin' Mother said...

Ah,. isn't suburbia extra fun? I've had my fair share of experiences and I can tell you I don't like 'acting like an adult'. It stinks. I'd much rather wield a fart bomb.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

What a jerk! I'm so glad you got to nail his little butt.

Moi said...

If that kid was mine, he wouldn't be allowed outside, much less allowed to buy anything from the ice cream truck!

I take that back. They would be allowed outside briefly, as they helped me carry all their toys and electronics to the car, as we would be taking them to the local children's shelter. They would then be required to go into the shelter and explain why all their stuff was being donated.

Stacie said...

I completely understand the "little jerk down the street" phenomenon (sp? can't spell anything). In our home, they are called "the troll down the street." I like your name better. BTW, I HAVE to get some of those fart bombs!!! Didn't know they existed!

Laura said...

That ice cream man must be a really scary 18 year old with a hat on backwards and torn jeans. I guess this is why people shouldn't be friends with their neighbors - LOL!

Stacie said...

jennifer h- "the stink eye"...that's great!

Anonymous said...

Ahhh,,,the little "fart" broke the law. Like a rock through a window it was done with thoughts of hurting you and your family.
Next time call the Deputy...same goes for the fight and black eyes.Your son was the victum of a violent crime. You had your home invaded by someone or something that you didn't want there.
Obviously the "mother" won't correct the problem. You should call the LACS and have themm take care of it.

Undomestic Diva said...

O.P.S., my friend. Other Parents Suck.

If you want revenge (and I say this as a mature adult with children of my own) toss in a few [dozen] of those shitty smelling air freshners they sell by the register at car-fixer-upper-places when they've left their windows down. Let them smell like a combo of coconut, forest and douchebag all at once.

apathy lounge said...

I lived across the street from a cretin JUST LIKE THAT. His mom made excuses for him constantly. I can only hope that this mom finally got a clue. Either way, someone needs to go ahead and get him measured up for his orange jumpsuit. You know...the kind they wear in prison. My sympathies!

Indy said...

That really, really sucks. At least he will provide lots of blog material for you.

Kaye Butler said...

Oh, you should boil an egg and stick in their radiator...thats a lovely smell after a few days.

Mary Margaret had "rumor" problems with child in JR. last year and has been forbidden to play with this child. It takes everything I have in me to not walk up to her parents and tell on that child...

You go girl!

Blessings From Above said...

Sucks that he put that stink fart thing in your garage. But, you have to admit it probably felt nice to walk up to her and once again reaffirm her son is an ass! ;)

Burgh Baby said...

I would soooooo be grounding the ice cream man. Jerkface should not be selling weapons of mass annoyance.

MamaHenClucks said...

Oh I love that you walked down there and that kid was sitting there, surrounded by those things and SHOCKED to see you. How did you manage not to smack the mom over the head with the thing? Honestly, I probably WOULD have called the police, like someone else suggested. Assult on your child, vandalism on your property. Someone next door to you is raising the next jailbird.

The Rockin' Wife said...

Hilarious! I swear, some parents just do not have a freaking clue.... My child would not see an ice cream man, or the light of day if they had done that.

Lisa said...

Well isnt nieghbor-boy going to grow up to be just a gem of a teenager and a man, huh? I am completely dumbfounded that his mother did NOTHING. Seriously?? To be honest, I would have called the police. But then again, I was raised by a police officer and was taught to call the police when things like that happened. It wasn't necessarily for it be on record, but the police will have the offender go to counseling and it could help the kid in the long run.

JCK said...

First of all, I am so sorry about your son's poor face. You are handling this admirably and with much restraint. Kudos.

And...when a detective is needed, just call on Tootsie! So WISH I could have seen that little bugger's face when you walked up to his house.

kmbr said...

My favorite day in this neighborhood was when I found out the little bully around the corner that had been targeting my Thing 1 with his mother's full support (boys will be boys!) since they were toddlers, was going to a private catholic school. Buh bye, public schools never looked so gooooood. The mother? She is dead to me (I'm Italian).

The only thing worse than some other people's kids, is their parents. Sadly, if they don't tell their kids "No!" once in a while, eventually, the police will.

It will be much less pleasant.

Marcy Writes - The Glamorous Life said...

for no real readon- other than good writing- this post had me cracking up.

Even if it did smell like ass

MommyTime said...

I seriously thought you might have been in my house a few weeks ago, when that smell was overwhelming me every time I went to the laundry room, and I never could figure it out and finally decided that something had DIED INSIDE THE WALL. Because there was nothing outside the walls to produce that hellarific odor. And then, a few days after the smell went away, we had a horde of flies descend upon us indoors. Thankfully, they all crawled out of the wall (at least, that's my assumption) at night and were attracted to the bathroom light, so I was able to shut them in that little room and systematically *ahem* exterminate them.

Your story is much funnier and much less like a low-budget version of an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

Except for the your son punched in the face part. Which is NOT funny even a little. And that mother is INSANE for letting that go.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

What did the mom do? No! Don't tell me. I'll just get pissed all over again. That bitch.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

This is not headed in a good direction--I've lived neighbor wars and it sucks.

Maybe they'll move?

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Oh my, you seem calm about the face punching, but probably not so much at the time.

The Ice Cream man should be eliminated. In our neighborhood it's just a guy in a van. Creepy. And yesterday, he was driving around playing Christmas music. I was all, "IT'S AUGUST, DUDE!" But he was still jingle belling it an hour later.

I hope the thing with the kids calms down. Neighborhood conflicts are no fun.

Colleen said...

you're a better woman than me. I would've put it in THEIR garage. Or pulled a "Grumpy Old Men" move and put a rotten fish in their car.

apathetic bliss said...

Amen Sister!

Anonymous said...

Someone beats up your child and you don't call the police? Seriously, that child needs intervention NOW. Where do you think the child leaned that hitting is okay - from mom and dad.

If mom didn't do anything with the violent episode, what do you expect her to do with a prank?

I'm not trying to deflect anything onto you - it is solely that families' mess to deal with, but for the sake of everyone else, please call the police when something like that happens.

The Nice One said...

Whoa. There are so many wrongs going on here...Sorry you have to be neighbors with those people

Texan Mama @ WhoPutMeInCharge said...

Okay, you have to do another post and tell us what happened when you went to the mom of the stinker. What did she say? What did she do??? It's like missing the last page of the book!

just a girl... said...

I would have made him eat that fart bomb, little bastard

Britt said...

i cant stand rotten little brats OR their pets-- i mean parents!

L said...

Sounds like we have a future serial killer on our hands..