Monday, August 11, 2008

In Honor of Back to School Week

Due to extreme laziness, the following is a reposting of The Morning Drop-Off. If you're new to this routine, consider this my public service announcement.

******************************************************

parking

Dear Fellow Parents of the Morning Drop-off,

Good morning. How are you today? I know how you are. You are rushed. I understand how inconvenient it is to pull all the way forward through the car line to keep things moving in an orderly fashion. This organized procedure interferes with your need to make an illegal u-turn in the middle of the road. You are obviously kind of a big deal because following procedure would mean that you might have to wait for the crossing guard to get the children safely across the street, making the army of cars...gasp!...wait. And very important people like you do not have time to wait for things like children. I know that once your own children are safely inside the school the rest of us can go to hell. I also understand how embarrassing it is when the execution of your u-turn fails, resulting in a shameful 3 point turn. It's so frustrating using up those additional 6 seconds. So the tire screeching was completely warranted. That lady who honked at you doesn't know what she's talking about.

And then there is you, Mr. Zip Through the U-Shaped Drive Way and Cut in the Line at the First Sign of a Break. Please don't slow down even a little bit. It's obvious you have someplace to be right now. And don't let my SUV get in the way of your SUV. Your's is bigger; which is a phrase that I imagine you don't hear often, hence the need for such a ridiculously over sized vehicle.

And I'm not even kidding when I say to you, Mrs. Jaywalker, that walking to the corner to cross the street at a cross walk complete with a crossing guard is such a waste of time, when it is so obviously more time efficient to just cut between the cars in the middle of the street with all three of your children. And don't let your very urgent phone call distract you from the fact that the little girl in your charge has dropped her water bottle and is now in the middle of the road alone. I completely agree with your decision to take this opportunity to scold her. She should know that when jaywalking one does it quickly and swiftly. Clearly there is something wrong with her. How will you ever get her to learn?

Miss Lead Foot in the Mustang, remember the time you got tired of waiting and zipped around everyone into oncoming traffic? And you had to dart back in to avoid a head on collision? And that lady you cut in front of hit your right rear bumper with her Suburban? Remember how awesome it was when you got out and yelled at her and she had the nerve to smile? You were so angry. I never told you this because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but we took her out for pancakes and tequila shots after. We might have given her a trophy; the memory is a little fuzzy. Details.

No, I haven't forgotten about you, Mr. and Mrs. Park Directly Under the No Parking Sign. I didn't realize that these traffic violations do not apply to you. I admit that I haven't parked there and taken the time to read the fine print at the bottom of the sign that excludes you from its ominous warning. That would be my bad. Don't even sweat it even a tiny bit that your parked cars now make a two way street an absolute impossibility. Please don't be bothered that we have to take turns pulling as far to the side as possible to let others pass. This is not your problem and we don't want to be a burden. I have to admit that I would only be guessing that there is an emergency somewhere with your name on it that makes your morning far more important and pressing than the rest of us. I sincerely hope that the sense of urgency that surrounds your day subsides.

Yours Truly,

Tootsie Farklepants

35 comments:

Stacie said...

Do your kids go to my kids' school? I am one of those people in the "army of cars" watching in amazement, having a meltdown, and enriching my kids' vocabulary at the same time.

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

It is amazing to me the mahem of school drop off...in MY day if we didn't take the bus we walked!! I'm surprised more parents don't carpool...or drop their kids off a block or two away, just to make it less congested...ugg...

dkuroiwa said...

This is almost funnier the second time around!!
I love reading things like this...so very different here in Japan. All kids walk to school...no parents drive kids, even in really crappy weather...crossing guards are the "grandpa volunteers" and the mothers who take turns during the year ("mandatory volunteer duty" :-D).
I love you Tootsie...and all the rest of the blogs I read...you keep me up on what I'm missing!! (or not missing, depending on the post!!)

Susie said...

While this is a funny take on the docudrama that is "school car line," it is only too true. And besides the folks who can't understand the flow of traffic and "the "please do not double park" signs - there is the president of the PTA having a total hissy fit that someone parked in her parking spot. Fun times...

Muddlin' Mother said...

Oh, Stacie said it already. I'm looking for you today in the drop off line! Although here the VIPs (very important parents) create their own lane of traffic to accomodate their needs. It really is a beautiful thing to see, if I could, but I'm trying to fend for my life since I travel on foot. Beats the morning coffee for getting my engines revved, what with all the fear and adrenaline coursing through my body.

Burgh Baby said...

That is EXACTLY why kids should have to walk to school. I don't care if it is 10 miles through gang-banger territory, mamma needs her sanity if she's going to stay out of the clinker when some moron breaks the rules of drop-off and forces mamma to cap his ass.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You'd be a great traffic monitor. Seriously. I'd convince our PTA to fund you to whip our drop off lane into shape.

Minnesota Matron said...

PLEASE! Would Tootsie come and direct traffic at our school? Oh my God. We have the same problems. There is a no parking strip right by the school that is routinely FULL of cars. I'll never forget being 9 months pregnant, parking on the street and walking my half block to the school past the five men waiting in the no parking zone. Just wanted to whack them!

Undomestic Diva said...

Can't.Fucking.Wait. T-minus two weeks for us. Sigh.

apathetic bliss said...

ummmm...once again, I think I am in love with you!
BTW you owe me tequila shots and pancakes

Mekhismom said...

This is too funny. I don't know if you are aware but in Louisiana an off-duty police officer pulled out her gun when someone cut in front of her in line. Crazy times!

Suzanne said...

Even though we live far away from each other, I feel almost sure that you and I drop our kids off at the same place.

It was taking such an imagined toll on my nerves that I now make my kids bike to school...

hippo brigade said...

all this talk of dropping kids off at school gives me anxiety. So I'm hoping that when it's time for my kids to go to school some sort of bubble craft will be engineered to take them directly to school, while hovering high in the air. That would be so much easier...

Marmarbug said...

Ah yes. this sounds like daycare drop off. I don;t know if you ever noticed but daycares? Have SUPER small lots.
AND? The people who have their childrent their are SO creative with parking that sometimes? They just park wherever. No matter that it blocks everyone else in. And I STILL have not figured out what the heck they are doing in the daycare SO long.
So while I wait I pluck my eyebrows.

Swirl Girl said...

Ah, and so it begins again. Nobody likes to follow rules around here. And nobody has any common sense anymore.

Your school needs a Miss Buckly and her bullhorn like we have at ours. She knows how to say "move it along" in 4 languages !

We call it D.W.O. around here (and it is not nice, so I don't want to say it out loud what it means.)

Karen said...

This is a classic! It was the post that made me fall in love with Tootsie!
This is the ONLY part of the kids going back to school I am not looking forward to!

Amy said...

This is one of the reasons I'm glad that my kids get picked up - either by bus or van! I don't have to deal with this!

sari said...

I didn't see you this morning at our school, but obviously you were there!

(I found you through Madge)

:-)

scargosun said...

Yet another reason not to have kids. I would end up killing other parents.

Timi said...

DAMN!!! Who would have guessed the school drop off was just as bad as the Doggy Daycare/Spa drop off in the mornings!
Those same people must drop their dogs off in the mornings after the kids.
Chin up! It's just the beginning, soon you will be as numb to it all as you are to nudity on primetime TV.
Have a great numb day! I will
Timi

JoeinVegas said...

Maybe if you carried a carton of eggs in your vehicle, you could throw them at these people and thus mark them as the idiots that they are.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

You: Been there, done that.

Me: Been there, done that, too.

Lisa said...

There is something on my blog for you :)

Country Mouse City Mouse Indy said...

Dear pregnant French woman, I'm sorry there wasn't anyone there to open the door when you hit the buzzer. We were both running late and I am sorry I was standing in your way. I'm sorry it took me so long to walk my son in while holding his hand that you had to pick up your daughter and carry her past me. I'm sorry the door shut in my face. I'm sorry you're a bitch.
Love,
Levi's Mom
p.s. The director of our kid's school and I had a great time talking about what a PITA you are after you left.

Stacey said...

It seems some things are universal. Except in Japan of course.

All Adither said...

Ha ha. So this is what I have to look forward to? Great.

Saucy said...

You forgot about Mr. Zip Into The Handicapped Space Just For A Minute.

Thus preventing me from accessing the space with my disabled child. Hrumph!

Jason said...

Ah, yes. I deal with this every day. Only I'm one of the ones trying to police all you crazy parents!

Mel, A Dramatic Mommy said...

I'm trying to convince my son of the value in walking for exactly those reasons.

A Bushel and Peck said...

Oh! we start school next week and you have just brought back memories my last 6 years of carpool lane. I am not looking forward to the car line...the school added an entrance over the summer so the first day should bring lots of amusement.

Anonymous said...

Oh, man!! I am so glad those days are gone for our family!!! HOw true this is.

But you've left out the double-parking mom who has to run into the office with an important errand for the principal, blocking in the people she's just double parked in front of!!

g @ doves2day.blogspot.com

Joy! said...

I giggled my way through your last several posts. I will have to come back more often.

Baby Favorite said...

My favorite is the one who held up the line of traffic behind her while she BALANCED HER CHECKBOOK. I am not f'ing kidding.

I hate school drop-offs. The amount of cuss words that come out of my mouth each morning is alarming, at best.

A Whole Lot of Nothing said...

I hate people. Most people.

'People' need to take a chill pill and choke on it.

A.C. said...

I HATE the drop-off process. There's a school right across the street from my apartment and people are constantly making illegal u-turns and honking at one another. My bedroom window faces the street, so the honking wakes me up.