Still, It Beats Going Back to Work

With all of the kids going off to school next week, this stay at home mama is going to have a great deal of free time on her hands. One of the first things I'm going to do is start exercising again. And when I wasn't looking the summer threw five pounds at me. And some jiggly-ness. [Dear Summer, keep your ice cream. You're an asshole. Love, Tootsie] I'm also one of those people who won't exercise unless I'm enjoying it. The gym and I are not friends. I will return to my cardio dance class next week. Class description:

An advanced dance class with choreography and quick moves to keep your heart pumping. We include stretching, ab work, push-ups, leg lifts and more for a sweaty good time!

Pardon me, are we still talking about dancing?

I also figured this would be a good time to schedule some appointments for matters that I've been sort of avoiding putting off. You know, those things that are difficult to schedule when you're dragging a few small human beings along with you. Like dentist appointments. And a physical. When it comes to my kids I'm very disciplined in assuring they receive proper preventative medical and dental care. We've never missed an appointment and on the rare occasion we've had to cancel; its been rescheduled very near the vicinity of the original date. This includes two sedations for Boy-Child#2 in his younger years when he would flip the freak out at the dentist. Come hell or high water those teeth were going to be tended too.

For myself? Not so much. I go when I need to go, but "preventative". Pshaw. Teeth whitening? Yes. Wisdom tooth removal? Certainly; the drugs are good. Cavity filled? Of course; all four of them in my lifetime. Regular cleanings, who? So I called to schedule my appointments today and they went like this:

Tootsie: I'd like to schedule an appointment with Dr. Nguyen for a check up and a cleaning. Preferably a morning time slot? I'm a patient but it's been a while.

Dental Facility: Dr. Nguyen retired.

Tootsie: {Mr. Bill} Oooohhhh Nnnoooo! When?

Dental Facility: When was the last time you were in.

Tootsie: Uhhhhhhhh.... about five years ago.

Dental Facility: {laughter} [that's right, laughter] Ahem. Would you like to schedule an appointment with Dr. Jksljodeieslj? Our first available is on September fourth at 9am.

Tootsie: Sure, what the heck. See you then. Buh-bye now.

I pencil on my calender: September fourth, the day I will be scolded and shamed by a random dentist at 9am. My next call is to the doctor for a physical. My thirty seventh birthday is coming up in a couple of months, and with a history of diabetes, heart disease, gastrointestinal diseases, and breast cancer on my mother's side of the family. And on my biological fathers side there is... well, shit, I'm not sure unless you can count abandonment and disappearing as poor health traits; then there's that. And who wants to hug Tootsie right now, raise your hand?

Tootsie: Hi, I'd like to schedule an appointment for a physical with Dr. Kasem. I'm a new patient. Do I need a consultation first?

Doctor's Office: Dr. Kasem is no longer accepting new patients at this time. The end.

Tootsie: Uuuuhhhmmm... but she was when I chose a doctor for my health insurance.

Doctor's Office: She isn't now. I can't schedule new patients. The end.

Tootsie: So, what do I do now? Do I have to go through my insurance and pick a new doctor?

Doctor's Office: I can schedule you with one of the other doctors.

Tootsie: Geee thanks for offering that in the first place That would be great! Let's do that, then.

Doctor's Office: I have September 16th at 8am. For the physical you have to fast for ten hours prior. Would you like a pap as well?

Tootsie: Dude, like, I don't even know you! Sure! Sounds like fun good. Saves me from making my next phone call.

Penciled on my calender: September 16th, will be felt up by and a hand shoved in my vagina by random doctor.