Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Still, It Beats Going Back to Work


With all of the kids going off to school next week, this stay at home mama is going to have a great deal of free time on her hands. One of the first things I'm going to do is start exercising again. And when I wasn't looking the summer threw five pounds at me. And some jiggly-ness. [Dear Summer, keep your ice cream. You're an asshole. Love, Tootsie] I'm also one of those people who won't exercise unless I'm enjoying it. The gym and I are not friends. I will return to my cardio dance class next week. Class description:

An advanced dance class with choreography and quick moves to keep your heart pumping. We include stretching, ab work, push-ups, leg lifts and more for a sweaty good time!

Pardon me, are we still talking about dancing?

I also figured this would be a good time to schedule some appointments for matters that I've been sort of avoiding putting off. You know, those things that are difficult to schedule when you're dragging a few small human beings along with you. Like dentist appointments. And a physical. When it comes to my kids I'm very disciplined in assuring they receive proper preventative medical and dental care. We've never missed an appointment and on the rare occasion we've had to cancel; its been rescheduled very near the vicinity of the original date. This includes two sedations for Boy-Child#2 in his younger years when he would flip the freak out at the dentist. Come hell or high water those teeth were going to be tended too.

For myself? Not so much. I go when I need to go, but "preventative". Pshaw. Teeth whitening? Yes. Wisdom tooth removal? Certainly; the drugs are good. Cavity filled? Of course; all four of them in my lifetime. Regular cleanings, who? So I called to schedule my appointments today and they went like this:

Tootsie: I'd like to schedule an appointment with Dr. Nguyen for a check up and a cleaning. Preferably a morning time slot? I'm a patient but it's been a while.

Dental Facility: Dr. Nguyen retired.

Tootsie: {Mr. Bill} Oooohhhh Nnnoooo! When?

Dental Facility: When was the last time you were in.

Tootsie: Uhhhhhhhh.... about five years ago.

Dental Facility: {laughter} [that's right, laughter] Ahem. Would you like to schedule an appointment with Dr. Jksljodeieslj? Our first available is on September fourth at 9am.

Tootsie: Sure, what the heck. See you then. Buh-bye now.

I pencil on my calender: September fourth, the day I will be scolded and shamed by a random dentist at 9am. My next call is to the doctor for a physical. My thirty seventh birthday is coming up in a couple of months, and with a history of diabetes, heart disease, gastrointestinal diseases, and breast cancer on my mother's side of the family. And on my biological fathers side there is... well, shit, I'm not sure unless you can count abandonment and disappearing as poor health traits; then there's that. And who wants to hug Tootsie right now, raise your hand?

Tootsie: Hi, I'd like to schedule an appointment for a physical with Dr. Kasem. I'm a new patient. Do I need a consultation first?

Doctor's Office: Dr. Kasem is no longer accepting new patients at this time. The end.

Tootsie: Uuuuhhhmmm... but she was when I chose a doctor for my health insurance.

Doctor's Office: She isn't now. I can't schedule new patients. The end.

Tootsie: So, what do I do now? Do I have to go through my insurance and pick a new doctor?

Doctor's Office: I can schedule you with one of the other doctors.

Tootsie: Geee thanks for offering that in the first place That would be great! Let's do that, then.

Doctor's Office: I have September 16th at 8am. For the physical you have to fast for ten hours prior. Would you like a pap as well?

Tootsie: Dude, like, I don't even know you! Sure! Sounds like fun good. Saves me from making my next phone call.

Penciled on my calender: September 16th, will be felt up by and a hand shoved in my vagina by random doctor.

43 comments:

Jennifer H said...

And to think, some people are scared of the dentist.

Sissies.

That's a lot of tune-up for one month.

(And I'm throwing in a hug here at the end...because, yes, I had to raise my hand.)

Melissa said...

OMG, add in a cortisone shot and this is pretty much how my last year has been...and even more so after my little one goes back to school.

Enjoy the scrapping and groping....blick!

calicobebop said...

Fasting? For what reason? Don't they realize that makes the crankiness factor in women go up about thirty notches?

Mekhismom said...

This sounds too familiar. I have scheduled my appointments but your post will be a great reminder for those out there that have not. You make the most mundane topics funny. What a talent you have!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Don't neglect your teeth like that! I did that and I'm paying for it.

But, yeah, now that I'm done being pregnant, it sure is hard to drag myself back to the OBGYN.

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

LOL...reminds me I gotta do the same thing...I'll wait till they are in school so I can schedual without interuption...I think it's time for me to felt up by a random dr too...

Wiserun said...

I've got you beat, I just went to the dentist for the first time in 10 years. No cavities, but I grind my teeth (who knew!). I was also brushing "too" much. Weird.

I had a nice breaking the ice moment with the hygienist, though. She asked how often I brushed (twice a day, sometimes three), how often I used Listerine (evidently the purple is good to use, yea me!), and how often I flossed. To this last, I deadpanned, "only for special occasions", and we both thought it was pretty amusing.

Oh, and the dentist didn't berate me, even after ten years, so you should be good!

Madame Queen said...

Well, think about it this way, all your OBs were random to you at one time! See, positive thinking!

Also, what is it about Sept. 4th? Bubba and I BOTH have dentist appointments on the 4th, though I'm going to have to change mine b/c Bubba also has an allergist appointment that day and that's just too many appointments in one day.

Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

Tell me about it!
I have had a toothache all summer. Luckily I also have a huge bottle of ibuprofen left over from my c-section 2 years ago (yes, after major abdominal surgery I got by on one little pill a day, but a toothache, well that just floors me).

With much juggling of schedules, I have managed to get the kids dental visits taken care of over summer, but I almost missed out for getting them their shots. You know, those ones they won't let them go back to preschool without. After ringing around every doctor in town, I finally managed to get an
appointment for the 21st.
School starts the 25th. Phew.

jenontheedge said...

I'm two years overdue for a tetanus shot, so I understand completely. Frankly, the only reason I stay on top of my annual exams is the birth control that I refuse to live without.

Your kids go back to school early!

OHmommy said...

I am sleeping with my dentist. And he paid me with veneers.

Allie said...

*Raising hand*

I will give you a hug Tootsie. I waited quite a while before going to the dentist too. Reason #1 I didn't have insurance for a while and that shits expensive. Reason #2 I hate going to the dentist. The end. I also don't like getting a pap, but that's a different subject and I'm sure most women don't.

Allie said...

@ ohmommy

That's awesome!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

That genetic health history thing pretty much sucks over here, too.

Undomestic Diva said...

See, this is why we could totally be friends: daddy issues.

scargosun said...

Looks like you are starting fall off with a bang! Oh, wait, that didn't sound right espacially in light of your vagina comment.

Marmarbug said...

Man you are going to do my two most favorite deals next month. Nothing like getting your teeth and hooha checked.

And hugs!

Burgh Baby said...

*Raises hand*

Hey, I'll take whatever hugs I can get, especially when the talk is about dentists and vaginas.

AGSoccerMom said...

I just did that. Then hubster says how did it feel while he raises his eye brows up and down. I always comment, honey your better.
Better than what. I can't discuss that patient doctor priviledge.

Laura said...

I enjoy being a girl . . . . . if you think this is bad, wait until you're 50 and get the real fun procedure! I've been putting it off for a year!

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

I just made appointments for a physical and my yearly visits, myself. I thought I would spare my kids the agony of realizing that other men see mommy's privates, when they are no longer allowed to.

KEEP BELIEVING

The Girl Next Door said...

Why are we mommies so bad about taking care of ourselves? Oh right, Time. And Kids. And yep I'll give you a big ol' hug. And try to remember, again, to schedule that Pap that's oh...a little overdue.

apathetic bliss said...

I just went to the dentist after 5 years too!
and then I had to get a route canal. did i mention that the thought of going to the dentist fills me with such dread I would rather give birth 10 times in a row?!
However, my dentist gave me this wonderful little pill named Atavin. I love this man!

Amy said...

I can't wait for the kids to get back in school/daycare so that I can start working out again too. Hopefully it'll last longer then the last time I started...

And I should probably make an appointment with my doctors as well - but I'll probably put that on the back burner just a little bit longer!

Donna-Michele said...

Working out doesn’t cause the skinnies? Instantly?? Ok, then why does anyone work out? Ever?!?

Ugh... doctors appointments in general... and waiting rooms especially. I am the original human-doing, and sitting waiting for someone with whom I scheduled an appointment, like weeks ago, well, let’s just say white coats syndrome isn’t what most gets my blood pressure up at the Doctor's office!

I tend to keep up with my appointments, to my idea of what they should be, the GP twice a year- for blood pressure checks, the GYN once a year, the dentist once a year and then whatever other apts they want me to take.

Now I am trying to find a dentist to remove all the metal in my mouth (that another dentist was paid to put there!) and a naturopath to help me get my blood pressure and weight down without drugs.

I feel like I need to stay at home just to get everything (errands & Dr. visits) done, and I dont have children to raise, yet.

Though after all the rest I am back on the job hunt, again, as my office is closing September 1.

Jaci said...

You must blog about how push ups are incorporated into a fun dance class, because right now I'm drawing a blank on that one. "Shorty got low, low, low, low, low, pounded out 50 push ups, and couldn't get up again."

Texan Mama@WhoPutMeInCharge said...

Whoa how did you get an appointment that quickly to see your doctor for a well mommy visit? My doctor, or should I say, his receptionist, is a total bitch. I don't call many people that. She talks down to me and thinks I'm stupid because I didn't schedule my appointment ONE YEAR in advance. I'm not kidding. Last year I called for my yearly pap after It had already been 15 months. Her solution: She had an appointment 5 months from then. She said, "You should have scheduled for this year when you had your last Pap. We fill up fast, you know." Um, no thanks. I'll go somewhere else where the bitchiness level is at least a few notches lower. buh-bye.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Perhaps the sever hunger pangs will distract you from the insertion of bony doctor arms into your hoo-hah.

MadWoman said...

I raised my hand too.

You also just gave me the motivation to schedule a much overdue physical and Pap...and I haven't been to the dentist in 12 years (I have good teeth).

Have fun at your appointments with the strangers :)

1blueshi1 said...

takes me back to that fun time when the springy thing they shove inside you so they can peer more myopically EXPLODED FROM MY ORIFICE and flew across the room. there is nothing that will send you to the nearest crap restaurant that serves liquor faster. not that I went and drowned my pain and sorrow in alcohol, or anything.

This Mom said...

That sound like me. THough my youngest is only 7 months old sooo... I won't have to make my appointment for say 5 years. Cause that is when all of my kids will finally be in school and I will have my moment to make those appoinments.

Minnesota Matron said...

Ah, modern medicine. Hope he washes the hand. Or she. Who knows!

Okay - the Matron? She has six implants (fell off a balance beam as a chid) and an INTIMATE and ENVIABLE relationship with her aging, determined old school dentist.

She has his cell phone number!!!!

Redneck Mommy said...

The last time I had a pap done, it was done by a very young, inexperienced male doctor.

Too cut the tension he so obviously felt, I waggled my eyebrows at him like a deviant and asked if it was as good for him as it was for me.

He just about died of embarrassment. Me? I laughed my ass off. And then waddled home.

Nap Warden said...

Ugh...I have to make some Dr. appointments as well...blah, I hate 'em!

apathy lounge said...

Wait...exercise doesn't aid in weight loss? Why, that's crazy talk!

Ya... About That said...

aw girl, you so funny. love. you.

dorothy said...

10 HOURS with NO FOOD?!?!?? I. Would. Die.

Denise said...

I need to make those same appointments. Maybe the dentist will do all of it for me.

I'll let you know how it goes and maybe we can just make one phone call next year. :o)

Jason said...

You poor, poor woman. September is going to be a helluva month.

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

I'm with you. I loathe the dentist and gyno. UGH. I don't like having orifices invaded.

laughingatchaos said...

Damn, sounds like fun! Can I come too? ;) 'Cause getting my teeth scraped and a fist up the WooHoo! just sounds like girlfriend bonding time like nuttin' else! ;) Then we can go for drinks! LOL!

Colleen said...

first {{HUG}} cuz I raised my hand.

secondly, I go to an all ladies OB-GYN practice partly because I'm a prude and not exactly excited about a random man seein' the lady-parts, but also because the women have personal experience in that hoo-haa invasion and have smaller hands than men.

as for the dentist? I've been going to the same building that's only had 1 dentist at a time for 8 years, yet I'm on my 4th dentist...and I go every 6 months. So like, I don't think you're at fault on that one cuz he could've JUST left... ;)

Mel, A Dramatic Mommy said...

Had to say I'm jealous your kids are back in school. I have another 3 1/2 weeks. Ugh!