Friday, December 28, 2007

Take Two Ecstasies And Call Me In The Morning

Man! I have got a severe case of the blahs. Or "post-Christmas letdown", as it were. I can't seem to locate my happy place. I came this close to getting in my car and driving to the Mattel factory just to punch the packaging department head in the face; or at the very least, have extremely harsh words laced with several expletives, with him. Or her. I don't care. I don't discriminate when it comes to justice. I think these people sit around and pull all night brainstorming sessions to come up with new and exciting ways to make parents lose their stuff all over the walls of their homes. Just when we were getting advanced degrees in wire twist-tie extraction; they've taken to sewing dolls clothes to the box. SEWING! Then there are the impenetrable plastic boxes that cannot be opened with anything other than a Ginsu serrated knife. You may lose a finger in the process and still be unable to remove the item from it's cocoon. Then you have to play the "I'm just a woman" card and hand it off to the husband. Who will also struggle. But somehow blame you for the impossibility of it all. And in a brief, flickering moment of insanity you consider running the bastard, test package over a dozen or so times with your car; but the fear of it puncturing a tire snuffs that idea right out. Then the parents are screaming and the kids are crying but you're still trying to convince everyone that WE ARE ALL VERY HAPPY! VERY, VERY HAPPY! IT'S CHRISTMAS AND EVERYTHING IS JUST HAPPY! And someone kicks the dog and we all feel guilty better. After you've exhausted every tool at your disposal; including but not limited too an industrial machine shop drill press, the item is released! And the kids play with it for a whole 5 minutes.

Then, later when a false sense of calm has washed over the family room, you discover that you are missing 2 of the 4 pieces needed to assemble the Hungry Hungry Hippos game. But never fear! You have a spare because there is a pile of duplicate purchases taking up valuable real estate on your dining room table that are awaiting their return/exchange at the local Target. That will take no less than 2 days of standing in line to do so.

And no one thought to buy me some Calgon?

11 comments:

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I'm so with you on the toy packaging thing. It's as if the toymakers are hiding their biggest secrets deep inside that box and they don't ever want you to reach it. I have yet to figure out the reason for it all, but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't require a jackhammer to get Dora's new clothes out of the box.

JCK said...

Oh, GOD, you hit a nerve with me here on this one. It is INSANE how difficult it is to undo those twist-tie things and sewn to the box! That is over the top. Yeah, nothing like taking 30 minutes to assemble the thing only to find out that the fun parts of the toy are MISSING. And I cannot deal with standing in the return line for 2 days. Can't. Do. It.

And I have SO tagged your ass for a meme, baby.

Karen said...

I'm telling you, they should save that stuff for secret top-security national stuff. Hide an encrypted note inside a toy package and I'm telling you, nobody is getting that thing out of there in this century.

Val Cox said...

I love it, great story! Val

ALF said...

You crack me up. Those things drive me insane - why are they so hard to open?

1blueshi1 said...

Amen, sistah. I am insane from the plastic twist tie things. And bitterly contemplating how however owns those factories is, like, a bazillionaire. Forget Vivid Video. Secure toy packaging is where the money's at.

Madame Queen said...

The ones I love are the teensy tinesy little screws that actually SCREW the toy to the packaging. Screws so small that no man-made screwdriver will fit it. You must search the galaxy for the tiniest of elf screws to release the magic toy from the package!

Thanks for the tag! I'll get to it in a day or so.... :)

OHmommy said...

I agree. I mean who, in that right mind, would take off with a 3dollar Barbie in the store. How come her hair has to be sewn into the packaging? There has to be a more inexpensive and better solution that would make is easier to open.

Yes?

Saucy said...

Calgon? Is that all you need to calm down? Tell me, do you drink it or snort it, because I need to get me some Calgon fast so I can quit using these damned valium. It was a long December. Just like the Counting Crows said it would be.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Yes, it's madness y'all.

JCK~ I'm working on the meme!

Saucy~ I shoot it. Way quicker.

Badness Jones said...

Yes! Yes! After finally getting the Princess's camera out of it's box, Hubs declared it un-usable because the hole for one of the screws that holds the cover for the batteries wasn't threaded, and thus wouldn't keep the batteries in. I took one look at the girlie's bottom lip started to quiver and forced the thing to work through sheer power of will, and held it all in place with one of those giant elastics they put around broccoli. It still has to go back to the store - oh god, why do they not have a bar at Toys'R'Us??!!!! - but at least Mommy saved Christmas. I got some bubble bath, but then Hubs let the kids climb on top of me in the tub...where do you want me to send your Calgon?