Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Well The First Thing We're Going To Have To Do Is Remove This Stick From Your Ass

Cooties. The gift that keeps on giving. Of course, Boy-Child#1 is sick. I mean, we haven't had enough of that around here lately. One of his complaints is a sore throat. It started on Christmas eve but he was feeling particularly lousy yesterday. And since strep throat has been being passed around like glue sticks in his classroom; and he's had it twice since October, we took a trip to the walk in doctor's office. The mystery about the "no appointment needed" clinic is that it's a crap shoot as to which practitioner will be treating you. ALL of the doctors there are great. And terrific with kids. Some too much. They come in with lollipops falling out of their pockets and making wise cracks; and it gets to the point where you just want to say "Alright. Quit pulling rabbits out of your hat, diagnose and be done with it already, Dr. Carnac the Great". But today we got the Certified Nurse Practitioner With Something to Prove. Yeah. Her. The one that isn't quite a doctor and is going to make you pay for her shortcomings. You know the type that tells you how you're wasting her time in her round-about-want-to-smack-her kind of way. "He's negative for strep" she says. "oh, good!". "What makes you think he had strep?" Only I heard her say "Why the fuck are you too stupid to live?" while she stroked the 2x4 chip on her shoulder and gave me a challenging look. "Um, because he's had it twice since October", except I think she heard me say "Game on!" because this got her dander up and then ignored what I'd said completely. "Does he have allergies?". "He's allergic to some cats" I tell her. And before she can ask me anything else I say "My parents have a cat and we were there last night for dinner but this started the day before that". And she heard me say "I made him wear a ski mask made out of cats". "Okay, well it's probably just allergies or a virus then". Okay. Except that it's not an allergic reaction to cats unless that can happen just by anticipating being around one as long as 24 hours prior. "I don't want to put him on antibiotics for that" she declared. No duh. "Neither do I. I just wanted to make sure he didn't have strep" I assure her. I can take it from here thanks. "Because antibiotics won't do anything for allergies or a virus" she continued. Really? I had no idea. I'm so new to this mom thing. "I'm aware", I say. "Has he been running a fever?", she inquired. "No". "Allergies or a virus then". Okay. Thanks for the attitude taking the time to talk to me like I'm 5 years old see us.

We're home and he's running a fever. There is a part of me that wants to go back, pull a thermometer out of my son's ass and hand it to her. Just sayin'.

7 comments:

1blueshi1 said...

oh hells yeah. I'll drive.

HRH said...

I have totally met her...please go back on my behalf!

Karen said...

We've got one of those doctors. UGH. Hope your guy feels better soon. You guys have been under the weather for way too long. Do you have a dog? My doctor told me last time I was in with strep that they can be carriers.

JCK said...

We've got a nurse like that. And she is the one that wields the syringes for shots. Oh yeah!

"...pull a thermometer out of my son's ass.." just about killed me. You're KILLING me, Miss Tootsie. KILLING. ME. love, ya. love ya!

Mrs. G. said...

I hope he feels better soon. Go easy on that thermometer!

Karen MEG said...

I just don't get that attitude. If you're in that profession, you gotta deal, right? Moms generally know a thing or two about their own kids, ya think?
Hope your boy gets better soon. Strep sucks, hope it's not that again. It's not much fun being sick over the holidays.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

You crack me up. Just sayin'.

What I want to know is why do doctor's office ask mom if the kid has a fever instead of just checking his/her temperature? Do they not have thermometers? They don't believe us on anything else, but they're willing to accept a simple yes or no when it comes to the kid having a fever. Baffles me. And annoys me because I have said no many times, only to get home and find out that a fever has set in. Grr . . .