Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Before You Know it I Won't be Able to Tell if it's My Husband or My Son on the Other End of the Phone

Yeah. Okay. So, like, tonight I'm going to a parent's meeting at the junior high school to gather information because Boy-Child#1 will be attending in the fall. My baby. My first born. Junior high school. And yesterday he viewed that dreaded giggle inducing "health film" with his fellow male sixth graders to learn about how to properly wash your face to prevent pimples, where hair will grow, why they sweat, and erections 101 new and improved with semen! His verdict? Verbatim quote: "Um, ew..giggle". It's not that he didn't already know. We had that special talk about babies and where they come from quite some time ago, however, I didn't provide visual aid. I let the school provide the porn. Because, really it's just enough to tell your child that this goes there and that alone is enough to trigger them to picture their parents having sex. And so the scarring begins. No one needs a picture when your imagination just betrayed you. And I just know it's only a matter of time before I'm buying him condoms because he's too embarrassed and I'm cool like that. I'm all about keeping my child from contracting a scorching case of herpes from some tramp that puts out because she thinks that's her ticket to popularity. And her thong will probably be sticking out of the back of her jeans and she'll speak with a lisp because of her pierced tongue. Who's overreacting? And I'm already prematurely dreading cleaning out random pubic hairs from his shower drain and from under the toilet seat. And...excuse me...

**We interrupt this thought to bring you the following news: Tootsie Farklepants has mentally checked out. Due to the fact that she is currently in the corner, rocking in the fetal position... oh, wait... uh-huh... and we're just informed that her pupils are non responsive, fixed and dilated; we regret that this will conclude today's entry. We apologize for the abrupt and incomplete ending but are told that any mother will understand.

35 comments:

Karen said...

Good lands, woman. You've scarred me too. Thanks for that. I'd not thought a whole heck of a lot about the boys since I was spazzing over my daughter hitting puberty.

Kalynne Pudner said...

Maybe I've long since checked out mentally, but having been through it with three boys and two girls already, the physical maturation of one's children is not so traumatic as one might think. (Besides, he will be old enough to clean his own bathroom.)

What happens to their attitude and reasoning ability, on the other hand...THAT'S pretty damn horrific.

dkuroiwa said...

A couple of my friends and my very favorite sister-in-law all have boys...and believe me when I say that I have been taking notes, baby!! They tell me stories (my friend's talk about "the right way to kiss" was one I wish she had recorded!!!) and I'm shaking my head and putting everything to memory. My 10-year-old was telling me in great detail about the beetles he has that are mating. "Love, love", says the 5 year-old, with a sneaky little smile.
It's a wonder more moms of 'tweens and up aren't all raging alcoholics!!

HRH said...

I am with Kalynne. I think a simple bathroom cleaning lesson might be in order.

Queen Goob said...

Wait until you have the conversation with your son about oral sex....because you're cool like that. I noticed they bring out those white jackets with the funny arms after that little talk.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Look at you going after the whore girls when the whore boys are just as bad!

I can't let my brain think about this topic any more than that. It'll explode.

Don Mills Diva said...

I'm not worried. I'm quite sure my son will be too busy curing cancer to have his head turned by trampy girls.

caution said...

Just had an honest "period" talk with my 10 year old son who "needed" to know what was happening with his sister. I stalled. I stuttered. I blushed. His response? "Oh. Is that all it is? Can I turn on the Wii now?"

calicobebop said...

That's it. I'm officially sending my daughter to a convent. I refuse to think about her doing anything remotely adult.

Do we have to be Catholic in order for her to become a nun?

scargosun said...

I remember my brother going thru that time (I am 8 years older). You are entitled to check out now and again during that time. As a matter of fact, I think you should have a card, like a "Get out of jail free." card that you can just show people when you need too. You might want to get it laminated too.

barbra said...

I am going to wash my brain clean, now. My babies are never going to be that age, NEVER I SAY! They are going to stay innocent little kids (at least in my eyes).
J/K.
But I can't deal with the reality right now!

OHmommy said...

Man oh man.... I would be doing the same thing, rocking myself in a corner. Can't even fathom that.

MommyTime said...

Lordy lou, and I though potty training was bad... I "forgot" about what might be coming down the road. Excuse me while I go drink a ginormous coffee and try very very very hard to "forget" again for a while. :)

Greta said...

Ok, way to deflate my happy mommy fun time baloon. (Yeah...I don't really have one either ;)

A Mom Two Boys said...

Just have him read your previous entry...that's sure to keep him away from girls for YEARS. Just make sure he is fully informed on episiotomy.

Lisa Milton said...

Glad I'm not alone in the scared for my boy just as much as my girl category.

Now, back to my drinking. I should have a bonefide habit by the time Zack's voice changes.

Madame Queen said...

Seeing as how Bubba just asked me the other day how babies are made and he's FIVE, this topic is particularly apropos. And frightening.

He also declared not long after that he had a big p*nis!

Ann said...

Okay, I cannot remember how I just blogged into you...but glad that I did. Just read a few of your posts and while I'm not a Mommy, I'm nonetheless drawn in by the humor and snark. Well done!

laughingatchaos said...

Mother of GOD, woman! Don't scare me like this! I have five or so years until this hell descends upon my home. And then another three before younger brother follows suit. Whimper...

Bunny Bunster said...

Mine boy is 14 right now, we are LIVING IT. RIGHT. NOW.
Send Captain Morgan to the rescue, please.

Suburbia said...

More than understand. Mine is only 8 and when he falls in love (or just gets a girlfriend) My heart will break just a little bit!

As for the sex talk stuff. At school Tall Girl has learnt how the baby comes out but not how it gets there! How useful is that?!!
(I have done my motherly duty and filled her in but her face was saying yuck! so it was a short talk!)

Hope you are recovering by now?

Groovy Mom said...

The title of your post reminded me of the time my son was talking down the hall, and I was startled because I thought some strange man was in my house. It was my little boy. Eek!

BOSSY said...

Bossy will be right back after she throws up just a little.

Andrea @ Sweet Life said...

Poor Tootsie. I have no boys and will not be subject to the "night time emissions" laundry, which I hope will not send you into cardiac arrest. I do have a four-year old daughter who walked in on her dad in the bathroom. Her response? "Hey, I like your pee-pee!". I do not look forward to the teenage years.

Jennifer H said...

(hold on while I knock back tequila, even though I never drink tequila shots)

Okay, now I can respond.

Wait, no I can't. I am not ready for all of that. God help you, Tootsie.

Melissa said...

My BF's son just had that talk at his school last week, too. And she made inappropriate jokes all the way through dinner that night as he brought it up. I fear I will have her tendencies. Oh my.

Susie said...

Oh God, I have three boys to rear through the teen years. Somebody send my some clorox wipes right now!

stu said...

Ahh, good old school instructional porn.

I believe you should describe how Mom and Dad do it. "Well, when I have your Mom's leg up like this over the center console in the Honda..." This image will pop up at just the right moment.

If you really want to keep your kid's mind swimming, describe the cleanup after sex; rarely glamorous.

-Stu

ALF said...

Things like this make me totally terrified to have kids. I won't be able to handle it!

stephanie said...

Surely your Boy Child #1 will have better standards than the girl you have pictured...(Said as I check for my thong sticking out of the back of my jeans).

I'm glad we're still at the place where my son freaks out and tells us to shut up when we try to explain the double meaning behind Hooters. ("It's just a picture of an owl, with big eyes, MOM")

JCK said...

Any mother does understand. Yikes! Can't even go there. I will let you lead. I've got a few years to work up to it. By then I'll be in a rocker.

g said...

The conversations always take place in the car on the way to something....

My son, after the fifth grade sex film/talk considered the subject for a while before broaching it with em - in the car, of course - and he asked me about the phenomenon of male arousal.

Because he and his classmates had been told that something happens when male get aroused, and then they were also told about ejaculation. And so he was very, very deeply concerned that it would be the condition that whenever he got aroused, he woud immediately ejaculate, and thus, have his sexual thoughts exposed.

It was inthe car that we discussed this. the car is a great forum for this kind of discussion, because your eyes have to stay onthe road.

I assured him that arousal and ejaculation were physiologically separated, and I think he was relieved. I think the theory of spontaneous ejaculation came out of a sort of conference entered into by his 5th grad male peer group, and he was able to go back and debunk the idea.

But - damn. This is a tough time.

Take your kids on car rides a lot, and keep your ears open during them.

katydidnot said...

oh, mom of the year moment. you're awesome. i too, have a 6th grader, he now uses my nuetrogena anti-zit junk. awesome.

Colleen said...

I think I will check out by the time my boys hit around age 9 or 10. Let their father explain all that crap to them. Should be interesting to witness.

Lord Andrew of Goulding said...

I really don't understand women. Aren't all your worries what bringing them into the world was for, that they'd become...adults?

ADG