Wednesday, April 16, 2008

In Which She did Absolutely Nothing Whatsoever Except Maybe Some of That

When I lovingly packed Mr. Farklepants' suitcase yesterday morning and sent him off with a resentful kiss to Las Vegas for an overnight business trip (use your own air quotes, I'll not provide them for you); I did so, while plotting my agenda for my evening alone after the kids go to bed. A classic movie, perhaps with tap dancing and crooning was a possible activity. Maybe twice. Ice cream for dinner. Skip the leg shaving. Not on the list was wine because I don't drink when I'm home alone with the kids. Knowing my luck that would be the precise moment that they would need rushing to the hospital and one of my kidneys. "We can't use this ma'am". "Why? What's wrong with my kidney?". "It's drunk". So I settled for the thought of brewing a pot of coffee and it was at that time, 8:30pm, that I realized we were out of milk. And how fun is it to trot out the gang to the grocery store at that hour? Not as fun as Vegas, I wager. But does have its own version of sensory overload. You may argue that I could have waited until daylight but then you don't have to meet the business end of my morning attitude that hasn't seen a cup of coffee. With milk and sugar. So anyway. Big plans. And then I spent the better part of the 4 hours online. Contributing to my Computer Vision Syndrome. Also a contributing factor? Researching Computer Vision Syndrome by using a computer. Not exactly what the doctor ordered but let me be the bearer of what he does suggest:

"We should be blinking somewhere between 10 to 20 times a minute," said Dr. Yee.

People should also try warm compresses daily to help unblock oil glands in the eyelids and use artificial tears every 30 minutes.

"That seems frequent, but again if you're staring and not blinking, the tears that you naturally make don't spread across and there's going to be dry spots on your cornea," explains Dr. Yee.

Dr. Yee has also designed special and unique glasses that help protect against detrimental agents. For the low low price of $225. Which look suspiciously like goggles:

That you can pick up for about nine dollars. You're welcome. Now I'm off to adopt some children from a country thats name is pronounced: COUNTRY WHOSE NAME I CANNOT PRONOUNCE. Before the entire next generation, in every corner of the world, are named Jolie-Pitt. Then? I hear the Pontiff is stateside. He may want to kiss my ring.

33 comments:

dkuroiwa said...

Wait...you packed Mr. Farklepants's suitcase?!?! Did you pack him the appropriate garments for all his "meetings"? I am so bowing down in your direction! When my hub goes away for "whatever", he's pretty much on his own. Though I do give him a send-off worthy of the Love Boat leaving port...and then it's..get the movies, get the wine, fix taco salad and everyone stay up late 'cause Daddy is not here!!! WhooHoo!!!
And did you actually try blinking 20 times in a minute?? I got kind of lightheaded...and my contacts got a bit wonky! Going now to look for son's swimming goggles!!
Thanks for the important info! This is why we love you!!
debbie

Karen said...

The eye thing. I must have that. Do those goggles come in cool colors? Because that drab gray is just not working for me.

caution said...

I really understand the no drinking when there's no other adult home rule. I KNOW that will be the night the house burns down and the headline will read, "Formerly Respected Mother Perishes: Witnesses say she had a nightcap EVEN THOUGH there was no other adult home"

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Next time you are packing the husband for a "business" trip to Vegas, you should make sure to stuff a kid or two into the suitcase. That'll even the odds.

Cheri said...

Hello Tootsie,

I love that you're researching Computer Vision Syndrome on the computer. What else would you do? I'm sure the coffee helped.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Thanks for another thing to worry about.

The packing of the suitcase--now that is very wifely.

Anonymous said...

My best advice for ny mother in the whole world is.... Drive-Through-Dairy

The Introvert said...

Hubby doesn't let me pack for him (can you say anal-retentive?), but he should because he always forgets something. I thought I was going to have all this free time with him living in Dallas but as it turns out...still busy! I'll get that massage one of these days!

Angie said...

I do not drink when I am alone with the boys, either for the same reasons you don't. Unfortunatly, when I am alone with the boys is when I need a drink the most.

KEEP BELIEVING

Jennifer H said...

Get ready to donate to the Blind Bloggers Foundation in a decade or so.

Don't count on me for a backup kidney. At least not once I start drinking, which I should have started a decade or so ago.

Madame Queen said...

I never even THOUGHT about not drinking when I'm home alone with the kids. I guess I *AM* the worst mother in the world. I've got to start thinking about my kidneys!

Melissa said...

Dr. Yee sounds like a QUACK.
Bummer about the milk run.

Queen Goob said...

I found myself blinking....often....when I hit the segment about Computer Vision Syndrome. Now I can't see for all the tears streaming down my face.

Funny stuff!

HRH said...

nice glasses.

Lisa Milton said...

What's with the business in Vegas? My guy will be there all week and he is bored with it again this year.

You can tell which of us travels a lot and which of us buys the milk and wears the goggles in the family.

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

You packed him? Umm..he gets to go gamble...he gets to pack his own self. And, the goggles are creepy. Yes. Full coverage of Benedict is on EWTN if you want to follow along.

EatPlayLove said...

Gee, kind of funny, my hubby is at a debauchery conference, I mean a "work conference" in Vegas right now as well. He returns tonight.

Trust me, I didn't pack his suitcase or iron his shirt before he got on the plane, like he asked me to do.

And I was out of milk for an entire day, because I refused to go to the store when it was 75 degrees outside yesterday.

It's refreshing to know I am NOT alone.

A Mom Two Boys said...

See now, I'm with Angie. When DJ's not here is when I need a drink the most. So I have one. That's what neighbors and non-drinking local friends are for. Or 911.

I've got something for you over at my place!

Suburbia said...

Can't remember where I've come from (damN that amnesia) but I haven't laughed so much for ages. Thanks
Oh and the goggles, I recon you should get them!

dorothy said...

LOL. It says "I'm Twittering Myself".

Kathy said...

Hi, I just found your blog via Dooce...I love the goggles. I think anyone with an unhealthy internet obsession should be required to wear them. Good stuff!

Madge said...

oh come on! taking the kids out at 8:30 to buy milk is not as exciting as Vegas? listen, i'm fragile enough as it is. don't burst my bubble..

Greta said...

Man...this computer vision thing sounds like just another reason why I'm screwed. Awesome!

Sue said...

Hmmm, your husband is out of town and you would run out for milk at 8:30, but not vodka?

Mary said...

I tried to count how many times I blinked in a minute. Um, doing both at once? It gave me a brain cramp.
You are a very enteraining woman!

stephanie said...

If you had my grocery boy in your town, you would drag the kids out at any hour...

By the way, I'm giving you a Girl Power award because you are one awesome rockin' woman (as evidenced in your previous post, not so much this one :)).

Nap Warden said...

I don't think the goggles are gonna work for me...do they come in pink?

Jason said...

"We can't use this kidney, ma'am. It's drunk."

Outstanding!

Nora Bee said...

I'm not going to tell Jeff that there are wives out there who pack their husband's suitcases. I bet the Pope would kiss your ring if he knew the story of you at the rock concert.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I told you all that we're June and Ward Cleaver! I not only packed his suitcase, I packed wardrobe options. No one believes me.

eatplaylove~ we're living parallel lives!

JCK said...

I'll have to get the Tootsie Speaks recommendation or NOT on the goggles to avoid googley eyes.

JoeInVegas said...

You want fun? Try going out at 3am in Vegas to buy milk. Not vodka, milk. Of course I said milk.

Colleen said...

I had to get glasses so that I can drive after staring at blogs, er, I mean spreadsheets and work applications all day. I only need them when it's dark, though. And not when it's dark and I haven't vegged-out in front of a computer. But maybe some swim goggles will help make that occular investment even more of a waste of money! :D

I won't pack Justin's suitcase, but I do massive laundry to ensure he's got what he wants to wear and I verbally tick off toiletries and easily-forgotten clothing items (cuff-links, socks).