Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Skills Include Gift Wrapping and Shipping Packages

Somewhere in the Hanes factory there is a person or person(s) whose job involves scotch tape and underpants. Let's take a look at the probable procedure meeting that must have taken place:

VP#1: We've received complaints via email that our underwear are trying to escape from their packaging.
VP#2: That is a problem. No doubt.
VP#1: I'm open to any suggestions to ratify said problem.
VP#2: I don't have any. I'm just here for the bonuses and golf trips to the Bahamas.
VP#1: I understand. You may be excused.
VP#2: Thank you, sir. I do have the company jet idling.
Inspector#5: I have an idea.
VP#1: The committe will now hear ideas from Inspector #5.
Inspector#5: Thank you, sir. Well, we could start with selling the underwear in quantaties of ten per package...
VP#1: I'm picturing it. Keep going.
Inspector#5: And we could roll each one up placing them side by side so that the consumer can see each pair.
VP#1: This is gold. But what about their ability to escape? What is your solution?
Inspector#5: We could scotch tape each pair individually so that there is no chance of them making a break for it!
VP#1: GOOD! I like your enthusiasm #5!! Let's get a team on this, post haste. Get a memo out.

Executive Secretary: But won't taping them make it time consuming, not to mention frustrating for the busy parents? I mean, how long do you think it will be before a mother commits suicide over wrestling tape off of her children's newly purchased underwear? Aren't they already bogged down with opening DVD and CD packages? Those things are impossible.

VP#1: I can't even look at you. You're fired.

~~~~

Or something like that. Because I spent a solid twenty minutes pulling tape off of my daughter's underpants just to put them in the drawer. And the tape kept splitting and shredding and I'd try to get it off my fingernail and then it'd get stuck on my finger until I finally burst into tears and jumped out the window.

31 comments:

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

But you were saved by the tape on your finger getting stuck to the side of the house...right?

Allie said...

The Underwear Bandit has struck again. Dun-dun-duuunnnn

Colleen said...

I'll bet they passed along their upderwear-taping wisdom to the folks at Carters who use those plastic taggers to attach every piece of a multi-piece outfit to the other pieces, the hanger, and to itself. I bought 3-piece pjs for my boys and there was a minimum of 7 plastic taggers on each set...and that's not counting the little taggers that actually hold the tags...

Madame Queen said...

Don't forget about the socks! If you don't plastic tag or tape them together, they will start trying to un-pair straight out of the factory.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

It must also be Inspector #5 who came up with idea to use 6 million straight pins to trap a men's shirt inside its plastic wrap.

Don Mills Diva said...

It's a conspiracy I tell you - a conspiracy designed to drive me mad!

It's working.

jennifer h said...

Makes me crazy. I haven't jumped yet, but I'm considering drinking myself to death.

I never liked Inspector #5. I think he was in charge of hall passes in high school.

Fannie Mae said...

But you had nice, new, soft underwear to cushion the fall. ;)

tammy said...

Picture that scene...except it's YOUR underwear and you're trying to put them on post-bathing. The tape sticks to places that tape has no business being stuck to...

Melissa said...

I have so been there...

Nap Warden said...

Oh no!!!

Madge said...

i like those little plastic things that hold the socks in pairs. those drive me crazy.

Jan said...

What ever happened to washing new underware before it goes into the drawer or on your body? Hello, I know I'm old but WTF.

ALF said...

Oh boy. I'm very sorry to hear that you jumped out the window due to excess underwear tape. We'll miss you.

Joeprah said...

LMAO! Very nice! I personally can't stand the dolls and all the pieces being tied down with impossibly strong wires. :(

OHmommy said...

AWESOME! I too can't stand it. Nicely said.

Steph said...

That was great! and I bet you are right.

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

Is this what I'm in for when mine finally decides to "go" on the potty?

LaskiGal said...

"We could scotch tape each pair individually so that there is no chance of them making a break for it!" Yeah, that is a great idea. Seriously. Why the heck not?!?!

UGH. I'm so glad I'm not alone. Please STOP with the tape!

Shania said...

I certainly hope you didn't scare the bird when you jumped!

Mum-me said...

I am so glad you survived the fall/jump so you could blog about it and give me a good laugh.

(I don't wash them when they're brand new either.)

Angie said...

Sadly, I have been in meetings and witnessed conversations that were less productive and had even more annoying results than your imaginary VP's.

KEEP BELIEVING

Ya... About That said...

I totally have to agree with Jen on this one, Toots. No washing prior to drawer-ing? You don't know where those inspectors' hands have been, my sassy friend. No idea whatsoever. Washing good. Ya. Wearing out of package (with tape) bad.

stephanie said...

I'd like to put a hit on the genius who slaps the long sticker with my pant size on the backside of the leg.

Yes, I have worn it out for all to behold because, no, I also don't have the time nor inclination to wash an exciting new garment before wearing.

I am sorry for your loss of sanity. We'll get them someday...

dkuroiwa said...

So...I'm joining Jan and Ya..about that...on the WHAT?!?! You don't wash the underwear first?!?! Good lord....my mom had me so stressed about Inspector #5's dirty hands and anyone else's that might have touched them before they were taped and sealed inside those plastic bags that I have been known to actually wash socks before my feet are put in them!!!

Did you jump? You will be missed, thought of and talked about often....can I have your new couch?

1blueshi1 said...

And Christmas certainly canNOT be attempted without a pair of strong new wirecutters and a Swiss Army knife (preferably wielded by an ACTUAL MEMBER of the Swiss Army). Whoever owns the factories that make those little wires holding toys to the cardboard backing is a frickin' bazillionaire.
Bah. Go get a manicure!

calicobebop said...

So true!! I dread opening packages of panties. Often they just sit on my washing machine and mock me with their unattainable cuteness.

Melissa said...

Yeah, all that packaging is a bitch. That's why Team Testosterone free-balls it.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

While I am VEHEMENTLY opposed to pre-washing clothes, I do prewash underwear specifically so that the tape will have to undergo 30 minutes of abuse at the hands of soap, water, and spinning. If any tape dares to survive, it's right back into the washer. I'll through Inspector #5 in there, too, if the lunancy continues.

Greta said...

No, no no. You're doing it all wrong. I agree w/ Burgh Baby. You gotta throw 'em in the washer, tape and all. It's fun to see the tape shrivel up and beg for mercy.

Caution said...

I suppose I am lazy (could we call it overwhelmed) because I do not prewash undies. I am also older than everyone else I know and have not contracted any unprewashed underwear-related illnesses yet. Come on, ladies. Live on the edge!