Monday, April 28, 2008

Gearing Up for Mother's Day: Let's Talk About Vaginal Deliveries

With Mother's Day bearing down (totally corny pun intended) on us and I say "bearing down" because it's just another holiday to stress me out. I would like to go on record and say that I'm not a fan of these types of designated holidays. And "Mother's Day" indicates it is for mothers, of which I am one. But so is my mom and my mother in law, AND my step mother in law. That means I have to figure out something to make their day special too. Figuring out = stress me out. Like the one time? I sent my MIL a lovely bouquet of roses through 1-800-FLOWERS.com? And because she lives in an area that is difficult to deliver too, they just, um, didn't? Nor did they have the decency to alert me. Imagine my embarrassment when I called her that day only to have her wonder what were these so-called-flowers that I supposedly sent her. Which, of course, then makes me look like a first class schmuck when I say "I sent you flowers you didn't get them? I promise I did!". 1-800-FLOWERS.com and I had words. Some of them four letter. I let them know in no uncertain terms that it took years to cultivate my relationship with her and they had managed to reduce it to a shell of its former self because it must somehow have pained them too much to fire off an email or a phone call to say "yeah, sorry, we don't go there. Choose alternate gift". Anyway...

I'm a mom too. Times three. How they came into the world a.k.a. "Just the Facts":

Boy-Child#1 ~ Born 8 days past his due date. I gained 70 pounds too much Taco Bell and pie. My cervix, let me show it to you: Routine pelvic exam indicates that I'm walking around my daily life at 4cm dilated but she [doctor] could stretch it to 5cm, which she did along with separating the membranes a fun party game that involves her arm up my hoo-ha to her elbow and some vigorous gentle turning of her wrist. This procedure produces heavy cramping. Sent to hospital toot sweet. Start induction. Six hours later? Cervical status: still 5cm dilated. Screw that. Requests epidural. Grateful for the relief it provides but totally wigged out by the process in which it was received. Vows to never again let a needle enter spine so long as I can help it, amen. Tenth hour, pushing commences. Two hours and an episiotomy (spell check is not a fan of "episiotomy", neither am I spell check) later, first born son emerges via vacuum extraction. Weighing in at 9lbs 7oz and 23 inches long. Size of a three month old. I blame the Taco Bell and pie. Have to make a pit stop on way home from hospital to purchase larger diapers.

Boy-Child#2 ~ Born one week early. Due date was too close to Christmas day. Begged Requested to induce labor as far away from that date as possible because how much does it suck to have your birthday on Christmas. Labor progressed quickly and uneventfully. And, more importantly, relatively painless. At the sixth hour of labor I entered the transition phase, and when I say transition, I mean I was certain that I was holding a baby between my knees. Oh the sensations you feel when you forgo the epidural! Instructed not to push. Doctor on her way. Told to blow. Do what I'm told Wheeewww...wheewww...whooooo...whhhoooo... and then SCREW THOSE BITCHES! Wheewww...wheewww...whoooooo...whhhoooo..hmmmmm...hmmmm...MMMMM. "You're pushing!" MMMMNO I'M NOTMMM! "Yes you are!" I CAN'T HELP IT! HMMMMM...HMMMMMM... what were they gonna do? Stop me? Doctor arrives. Ten minutes and one episiotomy later, second born son shoots out weighing in at 7bls 13oz and 19 inches long. Small fry in relation to big brother. Had jaundice. They threatened me with putting him under the billy-lights. He never actually needed it. I dub them overly cautious. My weight gain the second time around? Thirty eight pounds. Go me!

Girl-Child ~ Born eight days early because I could. Five hours and a few I Love Lucy episodes later, I did some more of that Whheewww...whooooo....whooooooo...hmmmmm... MMMMMMMM...not pushing that I did before. Doctor arrives, twenty minutes and NO episiotomy later, our daughter was born weighing in at 7lbs 15oz and 20 inches long. After the cord was cut from around her neck and everyone let go of that breath they'd been holding. My weight gain: fifty pounds, the hell?

It's been nearly five years since I last gave birth and you'll be happy to learn that my vagina has long since made a recovery. But I still deserve a day at the spa because I'm a mom and I can. I make my own appointments. I just don't go ON Mother's Day because who wants to wedge themselves into a crowded sauna full of naked women? Oh.

32 comments:

calicobebop said...

Happy Early Mother's Day! I hope you get your spa day - when it's not full of naked women. :)

scargosun said...

Me, not a Mom but have Mom and MIL. MIL's b-day is on the 5th of May which means
1. no Cinco de Mayo drinking for me and
2. WAY too close to Mother's Day.

BTW, I was starting to climb the fence about having kids, after your post getting back down to the 'no' side. ;)

Cheri said...

What a delightful tale about what happens when your husband gets some tail.

Seriously, funny stuff, Tootsie.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Things we have in common--vacuum extraction and induction to avoid conciding with a holiday (I think others consider this a bit control-freaky!).

smalltownmom said...

My older son was "only" 8 lbs 6 oz but he was too big to fit into the cute coming home outfit. Fortunately we had a bigger onesie in the bag. Otherwise he would have had to come home naked!

dkuroiwa said...

As both of my boys were delivered C-Section, when women start sharing birth stories, you can usually find me searching for more alcohol! Here in Japan, things are done a bit differently...epideral? Basically had one for about 3 days!! Sweeeeeet!!! Baby? Oh..yeah...there he is!!
Happy Mother's Day, one and all!!

Susie said...

What does three c-sections get you? Well, I had my second emergency c-section on Christmas morning (one day earlier than a planned c-section). My son LOVES to have his birthday on Christmas because it is also his dad's birthday. Yes, December is expensive 'round here. Happy Mother's Day to all of us - no matter how you got your kids out.

Jennifer H said...

Dear god, how do we do it?

The most fun ever is when you've had an epidural, and then they decide to turn it off because it's slowing down the contractions. Are you freaking kidding me? 2 hours of pushing, the last hour with no epidural. Fun.

Your stories (and my own memories) make me want to cross my legs.

Forever. (Hear that, Mr. H?)

I'm with you and spell checker on the episiotomies. Not a fan.

barbra said...

Boy-Child#2 ~ Born one week early. Due date was too close to Christmas day. Begged Requested to induce labor as far away from that date as possible because how much does it suck to have your birthday on Christmas.

That is my story of The Boy exactly! His due date was Dec. 25, and my husband's brother's bday is Dec. 25! One Christmas birthday in the family was already one too many. I had an appt. to induce on Dec. 16, but he was born on Dec. 14! Good Boy!

Greta said...

Um...yeah...when pregnant w/ my 2nd child (after delivering my firstborn 9 pounder..."naturally...) my OB made the following statement to me:

"Ahhh, don't worry. You had a 9 pounder, you could pretty much drive a truck through that thing now."

Thankfully, he was right.

Oooh, also, my word verification for this comment was vgghudj. I think that's totally code for vagina somehow.

Angie said...

Having never carried a child in my own uterus, is this stripping of the membranes thing legal? I have read this in a few different posts recently. Shouldn't it at least come with some sort of guarantee like "if this does not cause you to go into labor with a predictable routin vaginal birth in the next 24 hours, you have the right to retaliate with a kick to the groin (male OB) or airing all the details of your first time on local radio (female OB)?"

KEEP BELIEVING

EatPlayLove said...

I too am a part of the early induction club, so my darling daughter did not have to celebrate every birthday with presents adorned with bright green, red, and a creepy old man in a white beard.

I let my hubby purchase his mom her gift every year. I fall back on the it's your mother, not mine argument. Yes, I am the evil daughter in law.

Joeprah said...

I hate the word episiotomy, after finding out what it meant (my wife's second delivery a v-back) I almost passed out. I was like, "that can happen?" Moms definitely deserve a day or twelve.

jennie said...

i have two kids and have never been in labor. other people's labor stories slay me! I am always laughing because mine were surgically removed and because of that fun process i have no labor story just "yep, all i did was lay there." sometimes i am jealous seeing as how I wasn't even allowed to go to the labor party. but happy early mothers day to you. oooh canyon ranch here i come, oh wait that place is pricey, i guess i will just wedge myself in somewhere around here.

dso8901 said...

Indeed. A holiday to determine whether or not the MIL will love or hate you until the next Mother's Day. Not that I, most times, will have to do all the thinking of, shopping for, and wrapping of this gift. Yes - I do this for my husband and his 4 siblings. They're lucky I love their mother almost as much I do my own - because MIL knows her offspring can barely communicate, muchless coordinate, a decent gift for her without bickering (and she's not picky).

Happy Mother's Day to you - may your future son-in-law and daughters-in-law be as thoughtful as you!

Queen Goob said...

You had me giggling at the title alone. Two kids one year apart and my vagina had yet to recover...how did you do it? And the wieght gain? Yea, God's a funny guy, isn't he?

JCK said...

Weight gain...whatever, it happens. 45lbs here. Too much of too much. But the rest of what you said, yeah...the "do not push" thing is totally bogus. This was great, but my vagina feels a little stretched... God, I hope I can walk now.

Colleen said...

had to chase both mine out with the pitocin...and totally LURVED the epidural!!! although since I was in labor the first time, the epidural didn't really hurt compared to contractions. second time around, however, I was not in labor and that sucker pinched a bit!
But after birthing an 8lb-14-ouncer and then an 8lb-3-ouncer with a LARGER head (yet way less stitches), I was declared "made for having babies". Guess that was a nice way of saying my hoo-ha is very stretchy.

standing still said...

What part of "I just want to be left alone for the entire day" do these people who want to celebrate me not understand? THAT is the best gift. Go away. Leave me in peace. And, bring dinner home when you come back.

Madge said...

crap. it's like here in a few days! i have three mothers to take care of.. pretty sure i have procrastinated to the point of spending more than i want to at 1-800-Flowers.... It should be called Guilt Day not Mothers Day

Mrs. G. said...

That is perhaps the best post title ever!

1blueshi1 said...

My God IS THAT Mother's Day sneaking up on me? Grrr. Another occasion to reminisce wistfully and mournfully (with a large side of bitter) about how I used to get jewelry.
I am not spoiled; I just need to be treated with extreme indulgence.
So raise a spa treatment to me, you pretty thing you!

Karen said...

Great, I forgot all about Mother's Day. I'm pretty sure that qualifies me to be the worst daughter in history. Gift giving stresses me out. I opt for everyone choosing something they love and letting me know how much I owe for it. Myself included.

g said...

Yikes! And what to get her?

My only experience with childbirth was hampered by the fact that everyone - including me - thought I was much less far along that I was, and kept telling me to wait. "oh, you've got hours to go!" everyone said, and I believed them, thinking warily, "shit, if it feels like this now, just think of how bad it will get in a couple hours!"

Finally forced my husband to take me to the hospital ("Can't we just wait for the end of this inning?" he asked), got there to find I was 9 cm already.

Dumb dumb med staff decided what I needed was sleep so they gave me demerol, which effectively stopped everything for 4 hours - they should have just let me get on with it.

So I nodded off, until they got worried there was "no progress" - they said they'd get the gyno to do a c-section, and I said "whatever" but when they told me he was 2 hours away, I said, "To hell with this, I'm not waiting any longer!" and shook off the drugs and bore down.

If they'd left out the drugs, my son would have had a different birthday.

Amazingly, no episiotomy. He was 7 pounds.

stephanie said...

I genuflect in your general direction; I had two C-sections which translated to three days being waited on in the hospital and six weeks of spousal servitude. But I still want presents every May...

A student asked today "When's Mother's Day?" and I said, "Um, everyday, silly." [We didn't talk about vaginas]

The Introvert said...

My mom may have been asleep for my birth, but seeing as how the poor lady had to carry me an extra month (I was due on October 1st, but my birthday is Halloween), she deserves a freaking statue carved in her honor. I don't know what to get her. I'd be all about giving her a day at the spa, but she feels guilty when I spend money on her.

Nicole said...

Heheh. All of that reconfirms why I am never having children! But I totally commend you for suffering through it! A+

Also, a great alternative to flowers:
http://www.ediblearrangements.com/

Pricey, but very worthwhile. :D

HRH said...

This is the first time I have agreed with spell check.

OK, that totally happened to me last year witth Coldwater Creek. I purchased a $100 gift certificate for my mom online which they were to deliver by email. Well....wait for it....ya, never. When I called them they casually said that a lot of times their emails end up as spam. WHA? So lucky for them. Nice business if you can get it. Also on that 3 hour phone call during which Holly calls in her friends from HELL they didn't offer to send a copy of the gift certificate through the mail (that would cost them 42 cents extra) or make it up to me in any way. Then when I cancelled the whole thing to go buy my mom an ACTUAL gift, not a virtual one they yelled at me. So, the bottom line here is...choose your spa wisely. Please don't go to Coldwater Creek Spa.

A Mom Two Boys said...

We deserve diamonds...and chocolate...and a week long vacation to somewhere tropical W/O children (or husbands?).

katydidnot said...

here is my head exploding fetal position hormones talk with my 6th grader:

http://katydidnot.blogspot.com/2008/01/ohdeargod.html

Michelle Hix said...

My girlfriends and I have a long standing tradition of leaving for four day together, shopping, eating and ordering up the spa treatments like crazy! This year our destination is Vail Colorado, one of our favorite spots. And oh yes, there will be wine!

Lindsey and Adam said...

Yes, it does suck having your birthday on Christmas. Although I am not one of those children, my daughter is. She was born this last Christmas. I was due December 21st and my little bundle decided to be 4 days late, so that she would have the wonderful birthday!

Anyway, just thought I'd share that with ya.
Love your blog!!

Lindsey :)