Thursday, April 17, 2008

"Learn Yoga" was Just One of the Suggestions

It's turn off the tv week at the boys school. And, excuse me, but who the hell is the school to tell me to turn off my tv? Who are they to determine that television viewing isn't considered quality family time? Mr. Farklepants and the boys watch sports together and discuss strategies, rules, and fantasy league scores stats. And gives him an opportunity to discuss erectile dysfunction and the reason for Cialis; scarring my children for life now that they're aware of what that knowing look the middle aged couple with his malfunctioning penis in the commercial exchange means when those unexpected guests show up at their house. They know that it means "sweet Jesus don't do anything that will trigger this unless you want to meet me in the bathroom in five minutes otherwise I'll end up with a boner lasting longer than four hours and how awkward would it be to call an ambulance and explain that to our guests?".

I watch very little television. The Office is the only weekly show that I tune in to see, regularly. I watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune almost nightly but I do watch it with the kids and we play together as a family. Even if my two youngest shout out answers like "Who is George Washington" for every category related to presidents. And vice presidents. It at least gives us a platform for discussing such facty truths like "George Washington was never a vice president". See? Our children is learning. The school also included a handy list of alternate activities (I will spare you all 30 suggestions and my commentary is in red):

  1. Tell your child about the day they were born ( yes, and I'll include how I took a crap on the delivery table and also the intimate details of an episiotomy we'll call this birth control)
  2. Have a family car wash (I haven't washed my own car in over a decade why start now? Unless I could just get the kids to do it, but then that would trigger my OCD and I'd be all "you're doing it wrong!" and I'd have to finish it myself. And pissed be about it. How fun is that!)
  3. Go to the museum (on a school night? Maybe if you cancel homework)
  4. Go roller blading or ice skating (and the school district can pay my hospital bill)
  5. Play hide and seek outdoors (and the school district can pay my bail when I'm arrested for hiding in the neighbors hedges)
  6. Fly a kite (provide wind)
  7. Plan a slumber party (provide Prozac)
  8. Etcetera...
So, thank you school district, for taking an interest in bringing my family closer together. As a unit [because I really just wanted to say "unit", yeah, hi, I'm 12]. I assure you that with the homework, softball practices, softball games, guitar lessons, dance lessons, flash cards, dinner, and baths, we have precious little time for television watching and ample opportunity for togetherness.

It should really be "turn off your blog week". Mom.

31 comments:

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

We don't use TV, but we don't do any of those things on the list in the evenings. We're too tired. The kids read and then they go to bed. Sometimes they fight first. Probably watching Jeopardy! with Mom would give them better childhood memories, but I am too cheap to pay for cable.

Karen said...

Turn off the blog?! Woman, what is this blasphemy you speak?

Really, though, I find it sad that there are families that plug their kids in to the TV just so they don't have to deal with them.

Madame Queen said...

It must be some kind of nationwide thing. I got an informational sheet about this being the Week of the Child. It, too, offered all kinds of helpful suggestions about activities. None of which we've done.

HRH said...

Thank God your school system is there to SAVE your family. I am just imagining the 16 committee meetings and countless hours of debate that it took to come up with those 30 things. How fortunate for you. How was yoga?

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Why am I picturing some sort of musical theatre thing when reading "have a family car wash?" I guess I must think that the family that washes a car together sings and breaks out into completely spontaneous but absolutely perfectly choreographed dance steps together.

LaskiGal said...

Turn off your blog . . . haa haa . . . you're not serious are you?

We tried doing this one week at our school . . . I'll never forget the expressionless faces, cocked head, and the "huh" coming out of their drooling mouths. And that was just the teachers . . .

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Jeopardy is definitely some educational t.v.

And The Office ensures they desire enough education that they don't end up working there!

Angie said...

Our family slumber parties revolve around whatever movie we are choosing anyway...

I love these cheesy suggestions parks/schools come up with. I love to laugh at them. I hate how the teachers read a few to the kids and my kindergartener, who I haven't yet been able to explain the fine art of rule bending or selective direction following or just REALLY STUPID THING WE DON'T HAVE TO DO, come home and tells me, WE ARE GOING CAMPING THIS WEEKEND, BECAUSE MY TEACHER SAID WE HAVE TO (And we get to collect bugs and leaves for extra credit).

KEEP BELIEVING

Madge said...

i so appreciate when the school system comes knocking on our door to help us out at home. like we are stupid idiot people.

turning off the tv is ok. but then they think they need to tell us what to do when it's off? have a car wash? this is cracking me up.

calicobebop said...

I love the OCD reference. That's my hardest obstacle to overcome. I make myself wait until my daughter has gone to bed before I completely re-do everything she's "helped" with.

Melissa said...

I snicker because all the "Ideas" are for PARENTS to initiate and perform. Fortunately, Turn off TV here runs Monday through Friday--and we're busy in the week so they only really suffer on Friday. I only hope it's not raining next Friday...

caution said...

I guess I do appreciate the initiative, but like you, it would be much more effective if the community did one week of, "Cancel all homework and extracurricular activities." But I suppose if we had one week of free evenings though, we would all sit around and watch t.v....

Jennifer H said...

Hide and seek outdoors cracked me up. That would totally turn Neighborhood Watch on its head.

Seriously, none of that stuff is going to happen, except maybe flying a kite. Which, coincidentally, is what you should tell your school to go do.

jennie said...

Turn off the t.v.?!? Then who would babysit my kids while I blog?

barbra said...

Hahahaha! That was funny. And then you nailed the landing!

OHmommy said...

Oh man.. you make me laugh. Who washes their own car anymore? They need to update that list.

Include things like:
guitar hero
texting contest
name that song on your ipod

Mrs. G. said...

I don't think this whole concept has any meaning unless you are a family that is living your life in front of the television. Weird.

Lisa Milton said...

Lexi's preschool used to send home signs to put on our TVs for this week, because we are morons who can't do it for ourselves I guess.

And the library used to push it which made me laugh considering we were always there, not in front of the TV.

Like most things, it's only a problem if you let it be...

laughingatchaos said...

I'll turn off the blog when you grab it from my (always) cold, clammy fingers. ; )

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

This is from the same state that wouldn't let that family homeschool, right? :) Here's my ?s for tomorrow: 1. How many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie roll lollipop? 2. You hear about getting 3 staples in your wardrobe each season. What 3 do you suggest for this season? 3. And, what would you recommend taking on a trip to Disney that doesn't scream "I'm a Mom?"

The Introvert said...

When did stuff like this start? When I was in school, the school district never crossed over into your home life. That's just weird to me. Do they just think that parents are completely incapable of raising their own family now?

Domestically Challenged said...

I love number 7

......I always have good intentions about being laid back - but never quite manage to avoid being a catterwalling battleaxe when I discover the sitting room trashed, muddy wellies on sofas, sweet wrappers everywhere......agh - I can feel my blood pressure rising just at the thought!

Prozac is the answer!

Suburbia said...

Don't you just hate the way school encroaches on your family life?! They drive me mad and I get really angry but who does it upset? Just me...simmering away for days until the next thing comes along! (me, bitter?)

Sue said...

My husband is wondering what the hell I am laughing at! Please don't EVER turn off your blog!!!!!

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Yeah. The school needs to stop giving us projects. In fact, I'm going to send them some of my errands to run. Seems fair.

Cheaper in Baht said...

Seems to me this list came from someone who spent hours watching Leave it to Beaver.

JCK said...

Now turning off the blog for a week. That would be torture.

I can't get the image out of my head of you running around in your neighbor's hedges.

EatPlayLove said...

LOL! Oh the parallels, but I am choosing to do this. I have to admit, there is a bit of a tv addiction, and it mainly has to do with PBS or Mr.Men on cartoon network.

Colleen said...

yeah, we had that too...totally ignored and forgot since the TV is our babysitter. There, I said it.

Also, a family car wash? that's not good for the environment!...soemthing about how much water is wasted (versus commercial car wash) and the soap getting in the lawn and water source, etc.

and I'm still giggling about "provide wind". I don't recall SoCal being all that breezy when I was there forever ago...except during Wildfire season.

Cheri said...

They have all the nerve. Like watching Survivor isn't edu-ma-cational. Whatever.

Don Mills Diva said...

Have a family car wash? And this is educational or enjoyable? Dorks.

And BTW don't you ever joke about stopping blogging m'kay - don't even joke.