Monday, April 7, 2008

Fistacuffs and Ding-Dong Ditch

That's just in the last 5 minutes, my friends. I have mentioned it's spring break here and we've entered our second week. Which means that things are getting bloody around here. And that's not just the self inflicted scalping I just gave myself because why pull your hair out a little everyday when you can just be done with it.

Not more than 5 minutes ago there was whining, bickering, and "StoooooooOOOOOP!!!" coming from downstairs. Which meant one or the other of my two sons was doing something absolutely crazy-making to the other. Like breathing. Or living. So I navigate myself half way down the stairs because I've found that I can solve a problem so quickly that I don't actually need to enter the room. Evidence usually presents itself and I'm currently kicking myself for not becoming a prosecutor.

Boy-Child#2: He's bugging me!
Boy-Child#1: I'm not even doing anything...GAHHHHHWD.
Boy-Child#2: He's squishing me!
Boy-Child#1: I didn't even touch him.
Me: (to Boy-Child#1) What is that blue paper sticking out of your pocket?
Boy-Child#1: This? I dunno. Nothing.
Me: Give it to me.
Boy-Child#1: Okay. I was trying to hug him so that I could stick this to his back.

It reads: "I'm a butthead"

Me: Nice. Go to your room. Liar.

Just then the doorbell rings. I open it to find no one there. Either God is testing me to see if I can actually keep my shit together, with a "Haha! Psych! Just checking" or there are some really unique and creative children on our street. I mean, NO ONE has ever done THAT before. Brats. Excuse me while I go find a sharp object to impale myself.

19 comments:

Marlee said...

Just have #1 make a sign that says, "Anyone who rings this door bell is a butthead," and kill two birds with one stone.

Allie said...

All I have to say is...little turds.

Colleen said...

I second Marlee's suggestion. Your UPS guy will enjoy it. (he didn't leave you a package, did he?)

Karen said...

TWO WEEKS of Spring Break? Who's the brain surgeon who decided on that?
I say you drop them all off at school and pretend you didn't know it was Spring Break!

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

I'm now calling you Vlad. From here on out you are Vlad the Impaler. Okay?

Shania said...

Weeks, as in plural? More than one? Good Lord, woman, I'm sending you a box of margaritas. Just put it on the counter, sit on the floor and open the spout.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I know! How mean is our school district?

shania~ You're good people.

JCK said...

Oh, you poor Vlad the impaler, you. This is SERIOUS. But, I really think you could have been a great prosecutor. Perhaps after you force them out 5 years early for college? A 2nd career.

You obviously SO DESERVE a night out. Just 2 more days...Tootsie. 2 more days until the Bossy meet-up. Hang tight, girlfriend.

Nicole said...

Two weeks? Woah. I have never had a two week long spring break, ever. Jealous! But I did have a 2 month long winter break once, which was really nice. :D

jennifer h said...

Oh dear god. That's just cruel.

I like the halfway-down-the-stairs strategy. Only the best negotiators can perfect it.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I think the 2 week spring break is definitely all about the teachers!

1blueshi1 said...

you guys get TWO weeks for spring break? what kind of sadistic jackholes RUN your penal, I mean, school, system???

tammy said...

Two weeks? No wonder you got lit up at the girlfriends house last weekend. I would too!

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Please tell me you already have a case of various alcoholic spirits at your disposal. Two weeks? The only way to survive that is impaired.

calicobebop said...

Two whole weeks? How do they expect parents to survive? It's not like at Christmas where there are new toys to distract the feral creatures. Best of luck - I'm sending Chardonnay thoughts in your direction!

Melissa said...

Must be the weather. I have the same crew terrorizing me and each other at my house. I'm seriously contemplating Swiss Army Camp for them--until they're 17.

A Mom Two Boys said...

Wednesday with Bossy & JCK can't come soon enough, I'm sure!

I think you should PLAN on being responsible and not drinking and driving. There's gotta be a Holiday Inn Express close by...

Jason said...

Oh, boy. I can tell I'm going to like meeting you Wednesday!

BusyDad said...

Seeing as I only have one kid, and this seems right up his alley, I'm gonna be a bit more careful whenever he hugs me. Thanks for the insider tip!