Monday, April 14, 2008

Lookin' Good Mistahhh Kot-tair...

Spring break is over! Can I get a WOOT WOOT! Now we can get back to our regularly scheduled program. I've been appropriately tagged by Jenn at Juggling Life with the following school related meme with a note from Epstein's mother:

Five Classes That Should Have Been Taught in School

  1. Introduction to What it's Really Like to Have a Child - session includes such topics as: a) You will have a child that acts just like that, b) Welcome to life without sleep, c) How to effectively use a pacifier to muffle screaming, d) Time-outs: The Colossal Joke, e) Blow-out diapers (aka poop soup OR how did shit get on my baby's neck?)
  2. A Wedding is not a Marriage 101 - session includes lectures from couples married ten or more years and currently withholding sex from one another because the sound of the other's voice is unacceptable. Also scheduled to appear: couples in their 17th honeymoon faze (sign up quick for this lecture because it is extremely brief! There is also a chance that it will be canceled. Choose alternate elective as a back up.)
  3. A Wedding is not a Marriage Advanced Honors - An excellent class for necessary reinforcement of concepts. It all bears repeating.
  4. Meet Your Future Self - Travel in time to find out that high school is not the beginning and end of your life, there really will be sun damage, smoking will have an effect, Metallica will still rule, and STD's aren't even kidding.
  5. Packages and Toy Retrieval - This is a shop class that will teach you how to effectively remove toys from packages without breaking a nail. Or a screwdriver. Or one of the tires on your car.
Tag! You're it:

Hope for the Hopeless
The Madame Queen
The Rocking Pony

26 comments:

dkuroiwa said...

If you need an assistant for Class #1, I will gladly volunteer as I have experience in a)Colic and your baby...when it's okay to just leave the house for a bit, b)What is that smell in my child's neck, which could be tied into c)Good Cottage Cheese vs The really bad kind, d) Disposal Diapers...how often do you really need to change them and finally e) traveling 11 hours on an international flight with a crying baby for 8 of those hours...surviving with a beer and bread from someone else's dinner.

Melissa said...

OK, I'm not sure if I can even think about topping this one. But I'll give it a try today!

Star said...

Funny Funny Stuff :)

The Introvert said...

So, if you need someone who has only been married for five years to drive the point home for #2 and #3, I'll be happy to oblige. We're already in our 17th honeymoon phase (well, maybe 9th or 10th). We're doomed, right?

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I could probably stand to take all of those classes, but I would pay BIG bucks for #5. Teach me! Teach me! Teach me!

Gawd I hate all that packaging. You'd think the contents of those toy packages were the CIA's best kept secret. No, just a stupid Elmo doll.

THE MOM BOMB said...

Oh too, too funny!!! Although dang you for bringing back the "poop soup" memories that I stuffed in some far corner of the brain.

As for #4, my class would include saddlebags and spider veins.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I knew you'd make me laugh.

Have you heard the one about the long-married couple who have lots and lots of hall sex? Yep, when they pass each other in the hallway they say, "F**k you!"

Jennifer H said...

I could use a few of these electives. Are cocktails allowed in class?

Oh yeah, stupid question. Sorry.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

These are great. As a homeschooler, I may just institute some of these as part of our curriculum.

Allie said...

Those sound like great choices for classes. Knowing what I know now I would have taken them. Fo' sho'.

Greta said...

Aw yeah on the dipey blow out. I miss those. Just kidding. No I mean it. Just kidding. Just kidding.

(yeah...so I watched SNL this weekend ;)

Madame Queen said...

God, those are hilarious! It may take me a day or two to come up with something.

Melissa said...

All electives I should have taken. Especially #5.

p.s. cute random photo.

Don Mills Diva said...

Awesome - wish I had taken every one of those!

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

Class 1 also needs to include a chapter on Vomit: how to clean it without doing it yourself. Love #s 2 & 3. Class 5 is so important it should be a major.

jennie said...

i need the remedial class for #5, how to just get the toy out of the ooddles of plastic packaging and twist ties, no broken nails or scraped fingers are so far beyond me its not funny.

Cheri said...

"the tires on your car"

BWHAHAHAHAHA!

I love your meme answers!!!

JoeInVegas said...

Are your kids teaching any of the classes? Or just by example?

Angie said...

Ah, school for real life. Make sure you provide the proper safety equipment and profanity earplugs for the tender-eared during class #5.

KEEP BELIEVING

JCK said...

I am SO glad Spring Break is over! WOOT! WOOT!

And...I thought I was the only one with poop soup. Although I had never looked at quite like THIS.

Nap Warden said...

The art of toddler negotiating-How to successfully get your 2 year old daughter to take off the princess dress she has been wearing for three days straight!

laughingatchaos said...

Oh, soooo many classes that should be taught...

Colleen said...

I'm still howling at "how did shit get on my baby's neck?" and "STD's aren't even kidding".

EatPlayLove said...

Aww..but if they taught these classes our life would be so damn boring, having to figure out all this shit that comes with growing older.

LaskiGal said...

Oh, if only they really had these! Think about how much more prepared our little gals would be?

Oh, and if my future self would have met my younger self--I might have slapped her into reality.

Steph said...

Couldn't agree more with your class list!