Sunday, April 6, 2008

Ward and June Farklepants

A rare event happened here at Vintage Thirty this weekend. Mr. Farklepants finally took an interest in my hobby read my blog. He even left a comment regarding his Senseo that he is currently licking. And because I know that comments from previous posts sometimes go unread, I thought I'd shine a spotlight on it. And pick it apart, of course.

Mr. Farklepants defends his purchase:

"Just to clear something up. I got that damn thing for free.... well kinda... I filled out some survey on the Senseo website and at the end I got a "congratulations!" page informing me that I had qualified for a "free" Senseo. When I went to claim my "free" Senseo I was prompted for my credit card information because while the coffee maker was free, the shipping was not. So I paid $15. Still, not bad."

Adheres to the proverb: All is well that ends well
"I answered all the survey questions in such a way that it would seem I would be influential in getting others to buy one. I lied of course but this blog entry now makes up for it."

Throws me under a bus and confesses that our marital roles are akin to June and Ward Cleaver.
"What my lovely wife is not telling you all is that I do not know how to make my own coffee. I do not know where the filters are, I do not know how much coffee to put in the filter after I find them. I do not know how much water to put in the water thingy (you fill it to like 8 cups, and only 2 come back out. obviously there is some evaporation going on or something but where, i don't know). On top of that I do not even know how much sugar and milk to put in the cup since tootsie does it. (You should have seen the look on the face of our office assistant at work when I told her that one). So next time Tootsie is away and I have to fend for myself I will at least be able to make my own coffee. It still won't have just the right amount of sugar and cream but at least I'll have coffee."

The above is all entirely true. We have very pre-feminist traditional roles in our marriage. He brings home the bacon and I grill fry it up in a pan. We have 3 children so I spent a good portion of our married years barefoot and pregnant. He takes out the trash and tackles home improvement projects and sometimes finishes them. I do everything else. And what Mr. Farklepants did not tell you is that the office assistant he refers to in his comment, is a female. And she wants a wife just like me.

Then he goes on to dissuade any of my readers from ever wanting to come to my house for a cup of Senseo coffee:
"And for the record, I did use my penis."

So, if I promise to make it, then you're at least safe from that.

And last but not least, validation:
"Did you notice I used the Senseo this morning since you were AWOL?"

We've come full circle here, folks. Mr. Farklepants was able to brew his own coffee when his wife drank too much at a friends house the night before and had to sleep in her clothes in their guest bedroom and forgot her favorite hoop earrings on the night stand chose not to drink and drive.

30 comments:

Angie said...

If my husband would validate me with a comment, I would let him use his penis in lots of different ways (coffee being on the odd end of the spectrum I am considering).

Thanks for clarifying that you are a control freak, um, I mean, that you are domestic, too.

KEEP BELIEVING

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Sensible decisoion on the driving. Truly, it sounds like the man has a NEED to be able to make his own cup of coffee. How much trouble can he get into doing that?

smalltownmom said...

My husband will make coffee, but his technique on the grinder irritates me. I do cook the bacon, and most everything else. He does (infrequent) home improvement projects. No comment on the penis!

jennifer h said...

My husband does not cook. He does not grill.

But he does make better coffee than I do. It seems he focused all his culinary talent on that one task.

So maybe I'm the one who needs the Senseo.

stu said...

Boy, I can make my own coffee and I read my wife's blog (I have to to figure out what the hell is going on :) ) I should get a t-shirt or something...

Good job Mr. Farklepants, $15 ain't bad for a coffee maker during those time that Mrs. Farklepants needs to spend some time on a friend's guest bed.

-Stu

Sue said...

I think I am glad that I don't drink coffee and my husband goes to get his at the gas station!

Tootsie, You could get him good by doing the hubby meme I did a few days ago on my blog. :)

1blueshi1 said...

OH YOU GO GIRL! I had to leave the party after 3 glasses of chardonnay because I was about to kick some b*tch@ss.

Madame Queen said...

I am SO glad to know that I am not the only one who has noticed the discrepancy between the number of cups one is supposedly making and the actual number of cups of coffee you get. There is NO way we get 10 cups of coffee out of our coffee maker, even though that's what the carafe tells me.

MamaGeek said...

Your husband read your blog? If mine read my blog, I'd sheet my pants.

And I so don't understand the cup to coffee ratio either. Surely a man must have designed that.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

OK, my husband reads my blog every day (otherwise he would have no frackin' idea what is going on and probably wouldn't know what his daughter looks like), but he never comments. You man may not be self-sufficient enough to make his own coffee, but he gets major kudos for knowing how to type a comment!

Melissa said...

LOL! Don't you love when you hubby stalks you on your blog?

caution said...

My husband makes his own coffee and does his own laundry, and I used to respect him for that. Then he told me he does his laundry because he got tired of never having clean clothes. And I thought I had done such a good job of raising him. *sigh*

THE MOM BOMB said...

I am SO glad to hear that another couple are living in a retrograde, 50's-style-division-of-labor relationship. Believe me, I didn't plan it that way, but that's what I got -- mainly due to the fact that hubs works nonstop.

Oh yeah -- and he's Russian. Not to knock men of Eastern European descent, but they're not exactly in touch with their feminine side. I think back in the old country the women push plows, so I guess I can consider myself lucky.

Melissa said...

Oh how funny! Mr. D reads my blog after we fight--just to make sure I don't "misrepresent" him. Otherwise he doesn't care.
We are also June & Ward circa 2008--but he makes waaaay more than I did and the cost of me working didn't pan out for our family. Everyone's choice on that is wrapped in a lot of things, no?

ALF said...

You guys sound like fun!

MamaMo said...

If I could just get my husband to "take out the trash and tackle home improvement projects" you and I would have the same marriages.

EatPlayLove said...

Seems like Mr.F is looking for a little blog love. My hubby checks in weekly, making sure I am not completely discrediting him on my blog.. Ha!

Melissa said...

You've got bling

Groovy Mom said...

Oh dear. I had a night like that this weekend too. I got a ride home, though. Imagine hubby's surprise when a drunk woman crawled in bed with him. Too bad I then felt a possible vomit fest coming on and had to roll over and pass out. :-P How's that for sexy.

apathy lounge said...

Right now I'm just relieved that no one in our house drinks coffee. My hoop earrings are eternally grateful.

Colleen said...

bwahahahahahaha!

I'm sorry, all I can do is laugh.

Mrs. Spencer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
stephanie said...

Your man & mine should meet and be wry (and pretend to be wise & right) together...

The Introvert said...

My hubby just moved into his own apartment (temporary situation, living in two towns, blablabla, read my blog).

Anycrap, we moved him up there this weekend. I went with him to Sam's to make sure that he bought everything he would need to set up house.

Now my husband is one of the smartest people I know, but had I not been there, I'm pretty sure he would've forgotten things like soap, paper towels, and toilet paper and come out of there with a lifetime supply of candy and beer.

Men just need us. There's no getting around it.

standing still said...

As long as you teach your boys how to find their way around the kitchen, perhaps he will be the last in the line of "makes coffee with his penis."

JCK said...

Now I want to meet Mr. Farklepants. But, I'll settle for you, Toots. I AM SO EXCITED THAT I'M GOING TO MEET YOU ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT! Hopefully we won't have to crash overnight at the cantina... Mr. Farklepants might have to pull out his...SENSEO...

In any case, we'll show BOSSY who's really BOSS! ;) YOU!

Should I wear fishnets?

HRH said...

*blushing*I think I said I would be thinking of your husband's penis every morning...ya, didn't know he read the blog....

Bunny Bunster said...

Did you hurl and curl?
Did you get your earrings back or is that payment for the possible mess you made?

ha ha!! :-)

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'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

I had a Senseo I got for $5 at Wal-Mart (some sort of rebate?) I liked it, but it took up half of the counter space in our "house" (cottage). Gave it to my MIL. She adores it. I discovered that i really can't tell the difference on coffee reheated in the microwave10 hours after it was brewed (assuming I remember to set it up and turn on the timer the night before otherwise Big Baby calls bitching about no coffee when he got up. Prima donna. Ahem.)
I'm tickled that Mr. Farlepants was so proud of his Senseo-using accomplishment and fearfully intrigued by "I did use my penis".