Tuesday, March 4, 2008

I Must Confess...It's Tuesday #6

I'm a dog person. Which is good because Mr. Farklepants is also a dog person. Obviously our marriage is kismet. This, my friends, is the glue. But there was a once upon a time when I had cats. Two cats. And because of these cats I will never have cats again. EVER. I will admire them from afar. I will feed them for you when you go out of town. I will hold them and pet them and call them George, but they will belong to someone else...


The year was 1993. I lived in a kick-ass apartment (Dude, it was next door to the mall) in a trendy city. I had the best roommate ever. EVER! Don't tell me yours was the best because it's not true. My roommate and I had both grown up in apartments and we'd both only been allowed to have animals that lived in a cage, aquarium, or a bowl. We both wanted a cat. Long story short-ish on how we acquired them (yes, them, as in two) someone in our building had two kittens (they were kitten-ish as in more like teenagers) and they needed to get rid of them. We were suckers took them in. The smell of their apartment should have tipped us off, but ya know. Hindsight and all. After much discussion we flipped a coin decided on Bailey and Gus for their names. Bailey was a Short-haired Himalayan. Gus was your average grey, stripedy, house cat. It wasn't long before we discovered that Bailey was fucking nuts. I'm not even kidding a little bit. He was schizophrenic. He'd be all lovey and your BFF one minute and then have you trapped, naked in your closet after your shower attacking you with his razor sharp claws and an arsenal of teeth! And there you are screaming. Afraid of a little cat. And naked. If I had a dollar for every time I was stuck in that damn closet... Then there was that time I was eating cereal at the breakfast bar in the kitchen and Bailey launched himself onto my back. Like a backpack. All four of his paws buried into my flesh. And I can't get him off because he's literally unreachable. Luckily my roommate was home and came to my rescue. The same could not be said for her when she found herself with the cat attached to her face, while I was off on vacation with my parents. I came home to find her locked in her room with Bailey guarding the outside of her door and speaking in tongues [the cat, not the roommate]. But then he'd be all sorry and fine for a few weeks. If you were lucky, you could tell when he was going to just freakin' lose it. He would sort of sway and watch your every move. You had to be quick! Either shut the door of the room he was in or get yourself somewhere with a door between you. When I consulted the vet to find out what the hell was wrong with our cat, he suggested a pet psychologist. And I made a mental note to find another vet. [Note to self: find new vet]

At some point Gus had decided that soft, cozy piles of anything soft and cozy were the perfect spot to take a piss. Comforters, sheets, piles of laundry, the couch. None were spared. Bank accounts were drained for cleaning and replacing. Then the day came when Roommate and I went our separate ways. I got custody of the cats because I was moving into an actual house. Later, with my first baby on the way, I completely acknowledged considered that Bailey would have to go. He was just too unpredictable and definitely a safety risk. When one baby proofs a house one gets rid of roaming psychotic beasts sporting weapons of mass destruction and a bad attitude. Longer story not-short: Bailey was mauled by loose dogs in the neighborhood [he was nuts and all but that's a hell of a way to go...RIP Bailey] and Gus peed in my mother in law's suitcase. She didn't think that was FUNNY. AT. ALL. We took him to the pound. The end.

24 comments:

Bunny Bunster said...

Oh Man, Toot's!! I would have borrowed Gus before you got rid of him!! You could have hired him out to get rid of other's unwanted guests, the same could also be said for Bailey.
Great story!!

Stu said...

Those cats lasted 100% longer with you and your roomate than they would have lasted with me.

The naked and trapped by a cat is funny. Peeing cats are not.

-Stu

THE MOM BOMB said...

Okay, we're this close to getting my daughter a kitten. And now I'm scared, very scared.

Melissa said...

Yikes, crazy kitty would have been declawed if he lived with me.

And Gus peeing in your mil suitcase...priceless...though it would have neccessitated a trip to the pound here, too.

jennifer h said...

I would have only earned one dollar for being trapped naked in the closet. Because he would have had a new home right after the first time.

The peeing in the suitcase is hilarious. I hope he got lots of Fancy Feast that night.

Melissa said...

You have the patience of a saint. I have no tolerance for cats that scratch, bite or pee freely. Our stray is a perfect angel, which is why we let her in the house. Good call removing the crazy cat from your child!

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I'm laughing with you, not at you. I swear.

Allie said...

Kittens are cute. Cats are not. The end.

HRH said...

You had MUCH better luck with roommates, I had slightly better luck with cats...just slightly.

Madame Queen said...

Was Bailey raised by humans? I mean, did he lose his mother at an early age? Because that will, apparently, make them a little schizo. How do I know, you ask? Because my mother currently harbors said psycho! Evil, evil cat.

OHmommy said...

We kept on going back & forth between a kitten and a puppy last month.

So glad we got a puppy. Even though he does poop everywhere. Inside shoes, on the Bella Bella Dancerella mat, inside the Barbie house, etc...

Sure beats a crazy cat clawed on your naked back.

Karen said...

Those must surely be the worst cats on planet Earth, and you owned them both. Kudos, dude. No wonder you'll never own another.

EatPlayLove said...

my 4 year old thinks she NEEDS a cat. the battery operated "fur real friend" kitty santa delivered is not cutting it these days. And with stories like that, I don't think I can ever own a cat!

We are definitely dog people, now I just need to convince my daughter of that.

Angie said...

I needed a belly laugh today, Tootsie. THANKS!

We had Aiko, a tuxedo cat. He also was a skitzo. He was Brian's companion when Brian (who is a dog, not cat person) was first diagnosed and ever so sick at home. We traveled much and didn't want the complications of a dog on trips. The cat went to the pound when my second son was 1 month old, my first son was 18 months old and Aiko decided he was too good for his litter box and upscale enough for the living room carpet - icing on the cake was that my 18 month old continuously found it before I did. RIP Aiko!

KEEP BELIEVING

Angie said...

BTW, I love the Bugs Bunny/Daffy Duck/Snow Monster reference at the beginning of the post. I wanted to mention that first. Damnit!
KEEP BELIEVING

Nap Warden said...

Oh cats...what do you do with them? I have a cat monster at home, thank God only one:)

katydidnot said...

where do i line up for not liking cats?

stephanie said...

Wait a minute... Did you go to WSU in the early 90s? Because my roommates & I, who truly did not live in a kick-ass apartment, had a lunatic cat that sometimes pretended to be a loving pet. The horrible boyfriend of one of my roommates routinely did mean things that probably made the cat crazy; wish we could have trapped him naked in a closet with it...

Crafty Mom said...

My husband had a friend who had a cat. The cat hated the friends' girlfriend (no one could stand her) and would pee on the bed after they had sex. And would pee on the girlfriends clothes too. We took the cat in. Sweet as pie for us :)

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Mom Bomb~ This should help with your decision. :)

Allie~ Well put. Seriously.

Madame Queen~ I have no idea what his background was since I think we were purposely mislead about them from the start.

oh mommy~ totally. at least poop is solid. Usually.

angie~ You're welcome! I loves me some WB cartoons.

katydidnot~ the line starts here.

stephanie~ you should have. would have served him right.

crafty mom~ I laughed right out loud at that!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I am a dog person with 2 cats. What can I say--kids!

Lulu said...

Oh, the poor, psychotic kittahs.

standing still said...

Tootsie, thanks for sharing your cat stories. Obviously you know mine. We started her on the Prozac today.

Colleen said...

wow...don't know how you got two nutso cats at once! I'm still laughing! Maybe those folks who gave them to you put the cats in the microwave or got them from some farm where all the cats were in-bred within an inch of their lives....damn kitten mills.
My SIL had an evil cat that would sit on the backs of chairs and scratch you as you passed by. But I've had tons of cats growing up and still have three now, all my cats together aren't as crazy as yours. As for the peeing, well, one cat did get mad that my other SIL brought her not-so-gentle 18-month old over at the same time that we brought home our new baby and he peed on my bedroom floor. But otherwise, my boys aren't too bad.