Thursday, March 27, 2008

Hello Old Friend, May I Have a Word With You?

Dear Old Navy,

We go way back, you and I. I've been very good to you what with all of the buckets of cash I dump in your lap on a consistent basis. In return, you've provided my family and myself with affordable, attractive clothing; plus, yeah, COMFY. You've also been there for me when I find myself in a pinch looking for last minute gifts or when I'm in immediate need of an outfit for a sudden engagement. You've got that covered. I've even snagged some Christmas ornaments; what will you think of next? You usually have a wide selection of various styles that appeal to people of all ages. You are the poor man's GAP. However, I'm bothered by your current inventory and I think you know what I'm talking about. Two words: tube tops. Ninety percent of the clothing options that fall in the "shirts" category for women, are tube tops, right now. If this were twelve years ago you and I would not be having this conversation. Because twelve years ago my breasts weren't located so far south. Perhaps you aren't aware of what this type of garment does to the breasts of a woman my age. I won't go into graphic details but let's just say things get pushed farther (further?) down. This garment also forces me to wear a strapless bra which, because of the severe discomfort, makes me all kinds of bitch. If I have to go through the day distracted by my undergarments, people suffer. It's just the way it is.

If I may, I'd now like to discuss your stocking procedure. It is severely lacking and quite the suck. You are located in an area where everyone loves you. All of these women have families. We are a very family based valley. I believe it is a requirement to have at least two kids to even buy a house here because there are that many of us. I'm sure you're also aware that every public school in this district is at capacity? And that there are one thousand students attending my children's elementary school, alone? That's just the one school. There are several. I also know that everyone shops with you because we're all wearing the same outfits. At first we were all embarrassed but we've learned to accept it. Although we still have trouble distinguishing our own children from others at the park. So, when you run out of popular items, would you be so kind as to replenish them? Think white tank tops in a size small and white flip flops, size 10. Thanks. You're a peach. Because when you force me to have to order things online that should be in your store, you cause the vein in my husbands head to bulge and then we have a fight. Lord knows that he has no place talking to me about wasting money because of that whole ugly ticket thing. But, the statute of limitations will only last so long on my leverage with that; and there will come a time in the near future where I won't be able to hold that over his head any longer. So, don't cause fights between us. I could thank you for the make up sex but I'm not about to go into the intimate details of our marriage.

One more thing before I go; your sundresses? Are over priced. Thirty to forty dollars for a dress that you and I both know will be on sale by the months end, is in poor taste. And the joke will be on me because by the time that sale rolls around, you'll no longer carry my size. I've so been through this with you before.

Cordially yours,

Tootsie Farklepants

P.S. I'll probably be there tomorrow to replace some of the kids wardrobe from last summer, so I hope there's no hard feelings between us. That would be awkward.

32 comments:

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Yes, yes, and yes again! While they are at it, could Old Navy PLEASE be more consistent in stocking the same items at every store. It's so frustrating when one store is out of the right size in something and then the next one doesn't have it at all and the staff look at me like I have three heads for suggesting ON even carries said item.

jennifer h said...

Surely they know that you have your finger on the pulse of every trend, and that you have a very influential weekly column? With thousands of readers? (Yes, thousands. Go with it.)

They should try very very hard to keep you, of all people, happy.

Melissa said...

I'm so weary of being disappointed by Old Navy that I quit them. Yup. I did.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

My daughter cannot wear Old Navy--the sizing just doesn't work. The boys only wear water polo tournament t's. For us, Kohls is our good friend.

dorothy said...

OMG. You're so right. I went in there to spend my gift card yesterday and all I saw was tube tops. Those don't really work for me. I'm going to go back when someone has slapped some sense into them and sell new stuff.

Shania said...

I love Old Navy..because I can wear a size 14 jeans there! Everywhere else is 16 or (gulp) 18. Just let me have my delusions, OK?

Madame Queen said...

Old Navy clothes are not Mom-belly friendly. Also? Safari? Really?

And who are these giant people that the Regular length pants fit? And why no short lengths?

You are SO right about the prices for their sundresses. It's basically one giant piece of cloth with perhaps a strap or two sewn on. For $40 bucks.

Angie said...

Tootsie,

While you are talking to your old friend, can you ask them to put a word into their advertising agency that their commercials annoy?

KEEP BELIEVING

Allie said...

Well put my friend. Well put.

I wish we had an Old Navy here. If I want to go to one I have to drive about 2 hours. Argh!

Fannie Mae said...

Me + Old Navy = $3.50 flip flops. And nothing else, amen.

Cheri said...

Dear Tootsie,

Send Old Navy a link to your post. I bet someone over there cracks a smile and sends you a gift certificate.

Tell the I said so (not that they'd know me from Adam, but I've dropped a load of cash there myself and share your feelings).

Keep on keepin' on.

Fondly,

Blog This Mom!

stu said...

I have never been a fan of tube tops even when covering young, perky, perfect breasts. They always look like somebody just used the bottom part of a half-shirt from the 80s and pulled it over their boobs. Now, a nice snug tank top...

-Stu

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

That really makes me laugh, because I got so frustrated with their lousy toddler boy section I stopped shopping there entirely. And, any time I've gone in to find cheap cutsy stuff, I leave empty handed. Partially because I'm not a tween, partially because even if yellow is the color to be seen in this spring, it's not good for the complexions of 98.7% of women. Just saying.

Maremone said...

Wow! you are saving me so much grief this week....first clairol in a bottle and now old navy! Thank you! You saved me the trip. I thought I was the only one with tube top angst. Does the flap of fat over the top line of the top count as cleavage?

Jennifer said...

Yes! I am so glad someone else has the sale issue. By the time things go on sale at ANY store, they are out of my size 99.9% of the time. I used to think it was because I live in a college town where there are a lot of smaller sizes running around. But no, it's the same thing everywhere - even online. Hubby used to think I was lying because I was a snob and didn't want to buy anything on sale. So not true.

P.S. No one looks good in tank tops. My boobs are store-bought, and it's still not a good look for me.

Ava said...

I always go straight to the back of the store, just at the change of seasons. I get so many kids clothes for $1.99 there. But clothes for me? Not so much.

caution said...

I'm thinking that Mrs. Farklepants needs to open her own chain. My middle-aged boobs and I might be ever so inclined to shop there.

Nicole said...

I, too, am a HUGE fan of Old Navy. Their sales are great. Their clothes are cute and comfy. But I agree that their current inventory is disappointing. But it's nice they change it frequently. Everytime I am in there (like 1 or 2 times a month) I see new display items. Yay for that.

Groovy Mom said...

Tube tops? Ew. Now my friend with recently installed amazing lift kit will be all over that.

Melissa said...

Tube tops...hmmm, I don't think those are supposed to be sticking out of there...;)

Karen said...

Could I add a note to your letter begging Old Navy to open yet another store? I mean, much as I love them it's just not feasible to drive an hour every time someone needs a new shirt.

And AMEN on the tube top thing. Thank you for finally saying something to the clothing industry about what naturally happens to women as they age.

Domestically Challenged said...

OK - what about sewing three tube tops together - one (arm) at each side of the top section of the third....it could make an interesting T 'shirt!

Only joking...

Anonymous said...

Tootsie - I've followed you from the old site and now I know who in town is always getting the cute size 10 shoes!

But I have to ask, can you kill the cusswords? Humor like yours truly doesn't need the dumbing down factor cussing provides.

Thanks!

Mr Lady said...

I am really glad that Old Navy is so hard to come by where I am, because I was totally over them year ago, but who am I to resist an entire childs' wardrobe for $20? They really did used to rock, but not so much anymore.

PS: I LIKE the cusswords. Just putting it out there.

Mrs. G. said...

I spend 90% of my clothing budget at Old Navy, and you are so right about their current inventory. I dealt last year with the fringe edged mini-skirts and jackets, but the tube tops might just push me over to Macy's.

Michelle Hix said...

I was at Old Navy a month ago and it seems like everything was beige or red. The whole store made me feel like I was going on safari! I was completely annoyed and left.

EatPlayLove said...

I think it's time to move on from Old Navy. I have happily weened myself of them. Luckily having a second daughter has helped me justify paying more for my older daughter's clothes (b/c her lil sis will wear them).

JCK said...

Friggin' BRILLIANT! That's all I have to say. Brilliant.

Lisa Milton said...

"If I have to go through the day distracted by my undergarments, people suffer."

Amen. Frankly, no one really pulls the tube top thing off well.

Our Old Navys always look like a hurricane blew through; frightening.

(Loved this post.)

Angela said...

I've stopped going in there (though I miss it) because it required higher order thinking skills to find anything remotely close to what I needed. Messy messy messy.

Sue said...

Your daughter will look good in the tube tops at her 80's parties. Moms+ tube tops= nothing pretty.Sadly enough, I find myself looking at the maternity clothes in Old Navy because they have a little more coverage than the tube tops and teeny bikinis!

Colleen said...

Amen!
I can't wear the tube tops either because my Barely-B's turned into Barely-There after nursing Cooper. A tube top wouldn't stay up now. *sigh*