Hello Old Friend, May I Have a Word With You?

Dear Old Navy,

We go way back, you and I. I've been very good to you what with all of the buckets of cash I dump in your lap on a consistent basis. In return, you've provided my family and myself with affordable, attractive clothing; plus, yeah, COMFY. You've also been there for me when I find myself in a pinch looking for last minute gifts or when I'm in immediate need of an outfit for a sudden engagement. You've got that covered. I've even snagged some Christmas ornaments; what will you think of next? You usually have a wide selection of various styles that appeal to people of all ages. You are the poor man's GAP. However, I'm bothered by your current inventory and I think you know what I'm talking about. Two words: tube tops. Ninety percent of the clothing options that fall in the "shirts" category for women, are tube tops, right now. If this were twelve years ago you and I would not be having this conversation. Because twelve years ago my breasts weren't located so far south. Perhaps you aren't aware of what this type of garment does to the breasts of a woman my age. I won't go into graphic details but let's just say things get pushed farther (further?) down. This garment also forces me to wear a strapless bra which, because of the severe discomfort, makes me all kinds of bitch. If I have to go through the day distracted by my undergarments, people suffer. It's just the way it is.

If I may, I'd now like to discuss your stocking procedure. It is severely lacking and quite the suck. You are located in an area where everyone loves you. All of these women have families. We are a very family based valley. I believe it is a requirement to have at least two kids to even buy a house here because there are that many of us. I'm sure you're also aware that every public school in this district is at capacity? And that there are one thousand students attending my children's elementary school, alone? That's just the one school. There are several. I also know that everyone shops with you because we're all wearing the same outfits. At first we were all embarrassed but we've learned to accept it. Although we still have trouble distinguishing our own children from others at the park. So, when you run out of popular items, would you be so kind as to replenish them? Think white tank tops in a size small and white flip flops, size 10. Thanks. You're a peach. Because when you force me to have to order things online that should be in your store, you cause the vein in my husbands head to bulge and then we have a fight. Lord knows that he has no place talking to me about wasting money because of that whole ugly ticket thing. But, the statute of limitations will only last so long on my leverage with that; and there will come a time in the near future where I won't be able to hold that over his head any longer. So, don't cause fights between us. I could thank you for the make up sex but I'm not about to go into the intimate details of our marriage.

One more thing before I go; your sundresses? Are over priced. Thirty to forty dollars for a dress that you and I both know will be on sale by the months end, is in poor taste. And the joke will be on me because by the time that sale rolls around, you'll no longer carry my size. I've so been through this with you before.

Cordially yours,

Tootsie Farklepants

P.S. I'll probably be there tomorrow to replace some of the kids wardrobe from last summer, so I hope there's no hard feelings between us. That would be awkward.