Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


Today I will first address the questions of those whose Google searches directed them to my blog.

Q: Indonesia, Jakarta, Jawa Barat is curious about "son suck daughter".

A: First of all, I'm terribly disturbed by a) that word combination, and b) that it brought you here. I don't know what it is that you want to know about that and furthermore I don't want to know WHY you want to know (4 knows in one sentence for the record). There is something seriously wrong with you. You are sick. Please seek professional help immediately.

Q: San Diego, CA would like to know, "how to correct a very mild turkey waddle"?

A: You correct it by preventing it in the first place. Once it's there, you have a very mild turkey waddle. Anti-aging creams and firming agents can help prevent it from becoming more pronounced, but I'm afraid anything short of cosmetic surgery (or visiting someone with the word "Doctor" preceding their surname and perhaps on your lunch hour) won't rid you of it. I'm sorry.

Q: South Africa would like to know about "important people in space".

A: The NASA website would probably be more helpful to you than a mom blog. Considering I don't recall blogging about astronauts.

Now for the reader's questions:

Q: Angie from KEEP BELIEVING would like to know: "are sick children an excuse for oversized sweats, unshowered bodies (all of us), unbrushed teeth (all of us), uncombed hair (all of us), and eating binges (some of us - not saying who). Where do we draw the line for acceptable?"

A: Well, Angie, let's just say it shouldn't last too long. At the very least throw on a cute hoodie and indulge in a stick of sugarless and I must emphasize minty fresh gum.

Q: Jennifer H from Thursday Drive would like to know: "Will you show up at my house every day and be my personal trainer, so that I can wear jeans that size?"

A: I would if I lived closer. Not that I have any training in that sort of thing but I won't let that stop me and I'll do most anything for cash. I'm not exactly a hard core exerciser, per say. I do just enough to maintain.

Q: HRH from June Cleaver Nirvana would like to know: "I was wondering if you could address a question in the future: Are sailor suits OK to dress boy babies if so, what age must the mother cease dressing her boy child as a sailor?"

A: You must never do this after the age of 18 months. If you slip and do it after this just make sure there are no photos otherwise he has the right to refuse to ever bring future girlfriends home to witness said spectacle.

Q: Colleen from Wine Please (and who I also see is getting interesting visitors via Google) would like to know: "what would be a good OTC self-tanner that won't make me look an oompa-loompa and won't make me stink for days?" and she also laments [based on last weeks advice for shadow colors for blue eyes]: "yeah, I can't quite pull off the gold and/or yellow-based browns since I have freakishly pink skin."

A: Self tanners are the hardest thing to get just right. After seven hundred sixty twelvey different products, I'm moderately satisfied with Dove Energy Glow Daily Moisturizer with Subtle Self-Tanners (yes, that is quite a mouthful I agree). It's large in quantity and a little goes a long way. I didn't turn orange and the scent is pleasing enough. I emphasize enough because it smells the least like perfume scented burning flesh out of all the brands I've tried over the years. And the scent isn't heavy and overwhelming. I also have pinkish skin (although I wouldn't say it is freakishly so) and use makeup with blue undertones (pinks, taupes, mauves, plumbs; stay away from peach and reds).

And Allie doesn't have a question but she does state that I make her happy but not in any sort of gay way. Thank you, Allie. That makes me happy in a slightly gay way. I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable.