Wednesday, March 5, 2008

What Time is it When an Elephant Sits on Your Clock?

On Friday we had a series of power outages. There was BIG WIND, and aside from it doing stupid things to my patio furniture and knocking big rigs over on the freeway; it was also giving electricity what for. So around 3:30pm, right in the middle of Judge Judy the news - CRACK!- out goes the power. Then not 20 seconds later -WHOOMP- back on. It did this several half-dozen sixteen times. I finally got wise and stopped resetting clocks, grabbed hold with my fingertips and just rode it out. Fast forward to Monday morning. Boy-Child#2 says to me in my REM sleep mode, "are we going to school today, or what?". I startle, because those words will bitch slap the sleep right out of you, and look at the clock. 7:45am. The next word out of my mouth is "fuck". Which is quickly followed by, "I mean thank you for waking me up". And all the while I'm mentally retracing my steps from bedtime the night before, trying to figure out how I screwed up setting the alarm. I check it, it's set, at the right time. WTH? We got out the door in record speed and I kinda forgot all about it. Monday night, I set the alarm with comical slowness, making sure that everything is just right. I exercised precision and accuracy and if there were a gold medal for alarm clock setting, I was a lock. Yesterday morning it was Boy-Child#1 who wakes me by stating, "I'm supposed to be in math tutoring right now." [he has before school tutoring T-Th] I look at the clock. 7:30am. He's absolutely right. He is supposed to be there right now. "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THIS PIECE OF SHIT!" and on its heels, "I mean, yep you missed it". It was right around this time that I realized that the power outages from Friday killed something very important inside my clock. Quite possibly the little man who lives in there, whose job it is to make sure I wake up when I need waking up. It still lets you know what time it is but if you want it to do something extra useful and necessary like make noise, you're going to be waiting an awfully long time for that to happen because that part was murdered.

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In other unrelated events: The perplexing contents of my mailbox, in one day; all addressed to me.
  • Victoria's Secret catalog
  • Victoria's Secret Free Panty offer plus $10 off any bra
  • SCAN information packet (you know, for senior citizens)
  • Neptune Society information packet with a chance to win a pre-paid cremation!
  • Fredricks of Hollywood catalog
  • Time magazine subscription offer with a discount for seniors.
What does it all mean? That I'm getting old but haven't quite reached granny panty status? I can only imagine how confused my poor mailman is. I hope this doesn't send him into therapy.

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And now for something not even remotely having anything whatsoever to do with any of the combination of vowels and consonants above: In the movie Good Luck Chuck, Dane Cook's character states that a person isn't capable of licking their own elbow. Now you're all trying it. You're welcome.

22 comments:

Madame Queen said...

Did you know that if you can kiss your own elbow you'll turn into a boy. I never really wanted to be a boy so I never tried it.

Do you know what I got in the mail the other day? A catalog for plus sized women. I nearly cried. Is this some kind of hint?

Madame Queen said...

Oh, and "that I'm getting old but haven't yet reached granny panty status" made me laugh out loud.

Jennifer said...

All day long, I'm getting emails about my small penis. How did they find out?? I am such a convincing tranny! My husband doesn't even know!

P.S. The exact same thing happened to my clock after a power outage. I thought I'd lost my mind. Of course, after that the clock was dead to me, so I never even bothered to "fall back". It's going to confuse the hell out of me when we spring forward again and the clock is suddenly right.

Melissa said...

I hate depending on clocks...
That is one weird mail day. That mailman must have been chuckling when he dropped it off.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I'm not saying that you are nearly as big of a dork as I am, but I went two solid weeks pissed off at my alarm before I realized I had AM/PM messed up. Secretly I'm kind of hoping you do, too, so that I won't be such a lonely dork.

I bet I can lick my elbow. I'll have to give it a try when there aren't quite so many people around. Wouldn't want them to stare (more), after all.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Bitch-slapped out of sleep? Very accurate description of the accidental sleep-in. Even better if it's your carpool day--now you've not only made your kids late, but other people's kids as well!

Melissa said...

Geez, and I'm always worried a power outage is going to dump my computer, it never even occured to me to worry about my clocks.

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that got weird mail yesterday.

Lady, I can't even bend my elbow much less lick it...seriously?

Valarie said...

You alarm clock sounds a lot like my husband....useless. Ok, so he is not totally useless...but you get my point. I hope.
Like your blog...I'll be back to visit again. :)

Lulu said...

Oh, LORDY, you are a scream. I'm going to look for the little man in my clock right now.

Mrs. G. said...

Frederick's of Hollywood. Now there's a post. I didn't even know they were still around.

jennifer h said...

It's never good when the day starts with the F word.

Just be glad you're not on the Lane Bryant mailing list. I don't know why Victoria's Secret doesn't cross-reference with Lane Bryant and just give up on me already.

You had me laughing, as usual.

HRH said...

Crap. You caught me trying.

Love the mailbox review. Hopefully the mailmam can live through the stress.

so funny.

Groovy Mom said...

My nine year old can lick her elbow. She has freakish double jointed arms. It's a wonder to behold. She looks a little like a bird with no feathers sometimes.

Karen said...

You're one sexy senior, obviously.

Allie said...

So funny...one time I got a letter from some dumb place wishing me a happy 86th birthday and now I should be thinking about collecting my social security, or something like that. FYI...I'm going to be 24 at the end of the month. WTF?

Oh and...I didn't try to lick my elbow just then because I have already tried and it didn't work.

Bunny Bunster said...

Anytime the first word of the day is "Fuck", it aint gonna be a good day.
Doesn't your alarm clock have a battery backup??

stephanie said...

Wow, Victoria's Secret + senior citizen stuff. I would be be sobbing in therapy for a week. Or drinking myself stupid (wearing my favorite thong & push-up combo).

Keep the faith, girlfriend :)

stu said...

May you never reach Granny Panty Status.

I am big proponent of sexy underwear. We could be flat broke, living in a van down by the river, and I would want Stephanie to go to Vitoria's Secret.

-Stu

MamaGeek said...

Victoria's Secret and Senior Citizen stuff? Maybe 30 and 40 is the new 60?

And damn on the alarm, daylight savings time will screw us up royaly this weekend. :(

*le sigh*

LaskiGal said...

Sorry about the little man . . . hee hee.

I can only imagine what the mailman is imagining. I keep thinking of this America's Funniest Home Video with the granny stripper? OK, this isn't it, but it's close enough: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6S5RgLIZd3E

hee hee . . .

Sue said...

OK, had to come over from Slouching Past 40 because of your name in the comment section. Yes, it made me laugh out loud. I read quite a few of your entries to figure out how you came up with that. Very clever.

I love what you got in you mail. Poor, poor mailman.

Hope you bought a "new man" to put in your alarm clock!

JCK said...

Damn! I've been trying to kiss my elbow for weeks!

Guess I missed that Mighty Big Wind while I was in Georgia. I better check my clocks!