Monday, March 10, 2008

Project "Replace Everything Because of the New Couch" is Underway

I need new lamps. With the new couch coming, well, let me just say that this new couch is the biggest couch I've ever seen. It's enormous. It will take up more than most of our family room judging by our measurements. We measured once, twice, and also that third time very close to the kitchen. If you got a running start from our front door and swan dove into any part of our family room, you would land on a good portion of some couch. When you stick that landing, it will be done on cloud 9 seating. As in down filled. The three judges will give you a respectable 8, 5, and 9. The 5 is from the Romanian judge and she's just bitter because the other two, France and Italy, are speaking languages of love to each other and 5 feels like a third wheel. A very big prehistoric wheel made of igneous rock. That digression takes me back to lamps in no way whatsoever; except that here I am back at lamps. My obese couch (she prefers "curvy") leaves no room on either side for an end table. We could probably squeeze in one floor lamp but I'm not really a "make do" kinda gal. I want these:

...and after some searching on various sites and laughing sarcastically at their outrageous price tags [YES POTTERY BARN I DO MEAN YOU!] I finally ended up on the Bed, Bath, and Beyond site. They have them! The exact one pictured above! And for only $29.99! This prompts me to shower and drive the one mile to the store; because why order online and pay for shipping if I can practically walk there and pick them up? Imagine my disappointment when there were none on display. So I inquire. I ask the very helpful clerk - the one who offered to help me if I needed any help and just find him he'll help me - I say to him "Lamp. Wall. Swing arm. Make this happen." He says, "Lamp. Wait. Swing. What?". I explain the website and that they have them and I want them and I was hoping they were in the store. He pulls up the site on his computer. He is search challenged. He looks under lamps. A page comes up. He scrolls and declares that these are all the lamps they have and he doesn't know what I'm talking about. Clearly I'm wrong. So I point out to him that this page is only showing 40 out of 347 items found. Look harder. Which I don't even need or want him to do because if all he's doing is looking on the website I can do that from the comfort of my own home. With liquor. Clothing optional. But now it's a challenge. And I loves me one of those. Especially when someone doesn't believe me and metaphorically pats me on my little lady head. So he starts scrolling and clicking and scrolling some more. "Are you sure it was this site?". "Yes." "Can you describe it again?". "It's a sconce." "A sc...what?". "A s-c-o-n-c-e". "A sconce?". "Yes." "Hmmm...I don't see...". "It's right there." "Where?". "The word s-c-o-n-c-e. Right there." [insert exaggerated pointing here] "Where?". "RIGHT THERE! HIGHLIGHTED! YOU'RE RESTING ON IT! CLICK! CLICK RIGHT NOW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY CLICK BASTARD! CLICK!" click "Oooohhhhh yeah, we don't have these in stock in the store." No. duh. "I can order them for you from here though". Really? Because I don't think you can. I just don't think you're capable of it. In 4-7 business days I'll end up with a very nice set of steak knives and a shower caddy delivered by UPS. "Yeah, ummmm, I'm just gonna go ahead and order those from home...mmmmkay? Mmmmmkay."

20 comments:

Karen said...

Don't forget your 20% off coupon that they're so fond of giving out. That's not a bad price, but save money anywhere you can. That leaves more money to spend elsewhere.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I have a whole pile of said coupons if you need any. Somebody somewhere thinks I need to shop there every week. It's probably some sort of hint that I need some new curtains and linens and lights and rugs and towels and kitchen stuff and . . .

Anyway, good luck with the lamps and with that naked shopping thing.

THE MOM BOMB said...

Me likey the sconces! And I have couch envy. We need a replacement.

Another reason to order online? If you're a Upromise member you can pick up some change.

jennifer h said...

You must have the sconces.

Methinks the little lady's got this one handled.

Melissa said...

Or as we call it customer lack of service!! Good luck with the lamps!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I have that couch. And it is perfect. At Christmas, 7 of us can comfortably share it while digesting buche de noel and playing on our new electronic toys.

Melissa said...

Oh man, I'm still laughing. Can't type. Laughing ... too...hard....Romanian judge...s-c-o-n-c-e...

Allie said...

Why is it so difficult for people to know what the f*** they are doing? I mean come on...learn something about the ef-ing place you work for crying out loud. If you are going to get a job at a place like BB&B you should at least know what a sconce is. Ok I am done ranting. Sorry about that.

Groovy Mom said...

LOL! We need to go back to the good ol' days when people who worked in retail actually knew what they were doing. :-P

Maybe it's always been this bad, and I just notice it now that I'm older, but on top of being clueless half the time I find that I can't even get a smile or a "thank you for shopping with us" out of a salesperson or checker at the grocery store.

HRH said...

I love that you will have a mosh pit in your family room. I love the sconces. I love that you are on some serious blog roll posting something freaking hilarious everyday for weeks...some sort of record...someone should look that up in the blog records...and add you to it.

stu said...

Sounds like the rocket scientists that work at our local Schucks Auto Parts.

Me: "I need all new spark plugs for my V-8 engine"

Rocket Scientist: "How many do you want?"

Me: "It is an 8 cylinder, I want all new ones"

RS: "how many do you want?

Me: "How about 2431?"

RS: "OK"

-Stu

slow panic said...

seriously. what is with the people at the big box stores?

Lulu said...

I totally have some similar to those, except for they are a dark, brown bronze. Got 'em at Home Depot. Didn't even have to say the word s-c-o-n-c-e.

Please post pix of this monster couch of yours. Lulu is intrigued.

stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
stephanie said...

Wow, I'm about to burst a blood vessel just reading this. (Partly because it's almost time for me to you know what from my you know where...) But also because that exchange is crazymaking; it was kind of you to not rip his face off.

Enjoy the couch! And lamps, maybe.

EatPlayLove said...

We need a new couch so desperately, I cringe when I look at mine.
I wonder if the over-priced sconces at P.B. would have gotten you some better customer service. I can guarantee all P.B. employees know what a sconce is.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I will definitely post before and after pics once all the new stuff is here!

I don't know what has happened to customer service. Sometimes I get the vibe that I'm totally putting them out.

Lulu~ I didn't even think of Home Depot! Good call.

Stu~ Even I knew the answer to that one.

EPL~ I LOVE Pottery Barn. But dag if their stuff isn't overpriced.

HRH~ Thanks!!!

Cheri said...

Can you order from BB&B and get free in-store delivery?

JCK said...

I'm ready for the couch pictures! Good luck with the s-c-o-n-c-e-s. They look good!

Colleen said...

I can't say "sconce" in public...people point and laugh hysterically. It seems that word bring out my nasally Chicago accent.