Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

Tootsie's weekly advice column. She's no expert, although she's not really sure what constitutes "expert". If it involves school, she attended the school of Very Strong Opinions. Questions are welcomed. Answers may borderline ridiculous.


This post may be monitored for quality and training purposes. Please enjoy the muzak version of Aerosmith's Dude Looks Like a Lady. The following questions are being answered in the order they were received:

Q: Angie at KEEP BELIEVING would like to know: "Ate what age is it unacceptable to dress your two children alike/similarly?"

A: I will say that I'm not a fan of the dressing children alike. Similarly is acceptable mainly because I've done it myself because it is not the same as "the same". And I'm not even joking; stop when they ask you to stop. If they've reached adulthood without managing to ask then the onus is on them.

Q: The Mom Bomb would like to know: "Tell me how to get rid of the crow's feet, sister. Short of botoxing my face into immobility."

A: Since we do not currently have the ability to go back in time to prevent you from squinting; I recommend a daily slathering regime of Garnier Nutritioniste Ultra Lift anti-wrinkle firming eye cream coupled with L'Oreal wrinkle decrease (night). If it is immediate gratification you seek; invest in a sassy pair of sunglasses to hide said multiple sins.

Q: The Madame Queen seeks advice for two separte issues. First: "Okay, you addressed sailor suits, but you didn't address smocked outfits for boys. Are they ever acceptable?" And also: "I have a pink and brown purse that I love that I carry in the spring. Can I wear black shoes and carry this bag without fear of shame?"

A: A smocked outfit should not be on any boy anywhere unless that boy is featured in a photo circa 1932. Any boys currently sporting any smocking are allowed to be mistaken for a girl. The end. To answer your second question, unless you're the queen of England or a high profile socialite of some kind where you might be ridiculed on the cover of a tabloid for your wardrobe choices; I say go for it. The colors matching doesn't matter so much as the style (i.e. Spring w/ Spring= good, Spring w/ Winter= bad). Which is why the whole Uggs with shorts thing is a disaster and should be stopped immediately and perhaps by smiting.

Q: Tammy at Knitting in My Sleep would like answers to this controversial topic: "What is the youngest acceptable age for a child to have a cell phone? Call me old fashioned (or mean mom, take your pick), but unless you have a job or live in a town that has more than 2000 people in it, a 12 year old does not need his own cell phone. Your thoughts?"

A: As a rule, I agree with you. And as with most rules come exceptions. Which is why when our eleven year old son began walking home this school year coupled with his episodes being on the shit end of bullying, we made sure he had a means to get in touch if he needed a ride home or was in trouble. Because the Bat Signal doesn't work during daylight hours.

Q: Burgh Baby's Mom is playing liaison and asks: "I would like to ask another question on behalf of a dear friend of mine. She has a habit of dressing her poor little boy in jon-jons for special occassions. I say this will scar him for life. What say you?"

A: First off I'd like to thank you and your "friend" for the opportunity to Google jon-jons. Because I had no idea what the feck these were. Now that I know, I would recommend that your "friend" drop this habit. And drop it like it's hot. And when I say "hot" I mean "awful".

Q: HRH from June Cleaver Nirvana has a follow up to her original question and asks: "In response to my question that was expertly answered, I now have another question, "If someone HAPPENED to take 2 year old pictures of each of her three boys in a sailor suit, should that someone destroy the pictures, photoshop them or keep them as is to torture them at their wedding?" I don't know who would do such a thing, but just in case."

A: Follow these simple instructions:

1. Locate a heavy blunt object. I recommend a sledge hammer.
2. Knock a hole in your living room wall when no one is looking
3. Place evidence inside the wall and patch it. If you aren't handy that way then proceed to number 4.
4. Obtain an easy to assemble bookcase from IKEA to hide said hole. I hear the BILLY system is very popular.
5. Forget they are there.
   

Q: Karen at The Rocking Pony is frustrated and asks: "how do I get my teenager to have a better attitude without the urge to wring her skinny little neck every time I'm near her?"

A: If you want an attitude change, my advice to you is: STOP RESISTING the urge.

Q: Standing Still is representing the makeup portion of the question answer period and asks: "Long lasting lipstick. Yes or no? If yes, which one will not make my lips feel like driveway? {{{hug}}} and two kisses just like Tim Gunn does"

A: I never understood the theory behind long lasting lipstick. Just how hard is it to reapply once every couple of hours? And I don't think it's just me, but Tim Gunn's voice reminds me of the "Buffalo Bill" character from Silence of the Lambs..."It places the lotion in the basket".

Q: Dee Dee from Eat Play Love wrote in via email to ask: "Do I need to immediately throw away my 8 year old diesel jeans, if the waist seems borderline mom-jeanish? Oh, and the color is sort of royal blue denim?"

A: If you have to stop and ponder that they may be in anyway whatsoever somewhere in the mom jean camp? Throw them out. Royal blue denim is the lesser evil of the two part dilemma.